[Editor's note] With the Colorado game over and done, it is now officially Happy I Hate Washington Week. So, ATQ presents a blast from the past: the original origins of HIHwW, from way back in 2009. Enjoy.
The time has come this day of days, a time for celebrating. Saturday is one of many Happy I Hate Washington days, and arguably the most important Happy I Hate Washington day of the year. So it's important to celebrate in the fashion befitting the day. Please note, the holiday is called "Happy I Hate Washington Day." Don't forget the happy. Trumpetduck hates it when people forget the happy.
It's important to remember the most important rule of Happy I Hate Washington Day, the "Spirit of Husksgiving," if you will.
I Hate Washington.
Say it with me.
I HATE WASHINGTON.
Now that you're properly prepared for the day, I'd like to take you through a timeline of how to properly celebrate this glorious holiday.
12:00 AM - If you're indoors: walk to the nearest exit, stick your head out the door, and shout this short poem, the official poem of Happy I Hate Washington Day. The "Jingle Bells" of Happy I Hate Washington Day, if you will.
I Hate Dawgs
Shoot 'Em in the Head
Set 'Em on Fire
Cuz I Hate Washington
If you're outdoors: find the nearest house, store, or restaurant, stick your head in the door and shout the same poem.
8:00 AM - Wake up, and instead of putting pants on, have a drink first. It's a holiday. You deserve it.
8:02 AM - Turn on the TV, flip through, see nothing but crappy Big Ten games, grumble about it, watch anyway.
8:10 AM - Start cooking the official breakfast of Happy I Hate Washington Day.
- Eggs any style, topped with salsa verde.
- Potatoes O'Brian, with green peppers only.
- Coffee, but none of that Seattle crap!
8:20 AM - At 20 minutes after every hour, take a drink in honor of Kenny Wheaton, everybody's favorite #20.
8:45 AM - Take a moment to reflect on Michael Vick. If he were fighting huskies, would it really have been that bad? Would he have gone to jail? Fascinating...
9:00 AM - Watch Weasel Stomping Day. Cuz f*** Rick Neuheisel.
9:01 AM - Turn Weasel Stomping Day into a YouTube orgy of The Pick, JD Nelson hits, The Pick again, The Statue of Liberty, and The Pick again. Just for good measure, watch The Pick. SPOILER ALERT! Kenny Wheaton scores.
9:30 AM - Think about what Ty Willingham's doing right now. Giggle for 30 seconds. Then repeat.
9:45 AM - In case you didn't know, Rainn Wilson is a UW grad. So, go on YouTube and watch Jim Halpert playing pranks on Dwight Schrute.
10:00 AM - Print out a picture of Ryan Appleby. Punch it in the face.
10:10 AM - Take the next sixty seconds to do nothing but think about Dennis Dixon, and how awesome he is.
10:15 AM - Watch the end of the Washington-Arizona State game. God Nick Holt sucks...
10:22 AM - Grab a football, go outside, and throw it up in the air. Suck it Jack Locker, look what I can do!!! I'll allow 15 minutes for multiple throwings, and lots of giggling.
10:37 AM - Quack.
10:38 AM - Do you remember the Spirit of Husksgiving? Repeat it to yourselves a couple times, for good measure.
10:45 AM - If you have a dog, put him outside for a while. He knows he deserves it. If you have a dawg, what the hell is wrong with you? Shoot it in the head and set it on fire right now!
11:00 AM - Wherever you're watching the game, take a lap around the room. Anything purple, get rid of it. Set it on fire, throw it in the trash, whatever. Just get it out of the room. Check the kitchen too. If there is any purple food lurking around (eggplant, Husky jerky, grapes), toss it out. At the very least, bury it at the bottom of the freezer.
11:25 AM - Think for a second about how close Seattle is to Canada. They're barely Americans. Barely. Americans. Say it with me. U-S-A. U-S-A! U-S-A!!
God, Washington's a mess...
11:40 AM - Watch The Pick again.
11:42 AM - Fire up the Surround Sound and blast Mighty Oregon as loud as you can.
11:50 AM - Go outside, and yell, "GOOOOOO!" at the top of your lungs. If you're lucky, someone will yell "DUUUUUUUCKS!" back. If they do, go take a drink in honor of the Juju boost you just received.
12:00 PM - It's time for a shot of something. Really, anything will do. It's the spirit of the act. But think about how many points you want the Ducks to score on their first drive. Then, take a shot of Seagram's 7, one Seagram for every point.
12:01 PM: Now is the time to choose your game seat. This is a very important decision Do you go chair, couch, recliner, computer chair so you don't have to get up to get beer? Don't be afraid to try a few out, you've got plenty of time.
12:15 PM: Get all of your game snacks together for convenient in-game eating.
12:25 PM - Grab your seat
12:29 PM - Say Todd Doxey Grace: Todd Doxey, thank you for this game. Let us demolish the Huskies like we know you would have. You'll always be in our hearts. Go Ducks.
12:29:58 PM -Get ready...
12:29:59 PM - Get set...
12:30 PM -
Whatever GameDay rituals you may have, honor those in whatever way you need to. After the game is over, have a drink, have a snack, take a nap. Enjoy your Saturday. You've earned it on another great Happy I Hate Washington Day.