John Canzano Columns: So Predictable, Even a Blogger Can Do It
by David Piper on Oct 5, 2009 12:09 PM PDT
in Oregon Ducks Football
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PrintPathetic.
That's the way I would describe Oregon's effort against Washington State on Saturday. While the Ducks uninspiring victory left them at 4-1 for the season, I can't help but wonder the obvious question.
Is Oregon a bowl team?
Because there were a lot of things that make me question the meddle of this team against the Cougars. Six incomplete passes. A missed field goal. A turnover. These mistakes are inexcusable. And if they commit these amateurish mistakes against Washington State, how does that bode for Stanford, Washington, or USC?
A bowl team would have put up at least 60 on the Cougars while pitching a shutout, and Oregon's failure to do this has to make you wonder about the man steering the ship. Did Oregon pick the right guy to succeed Mike Bellotti? Because for everyone who thinks he's doing a great job, I can point to a thousand mistakes:
A muffed punt.
A failed reverse.
A reception for a loss.
And you have to wonder whether Duck fans will continue to accept these catastrophes week after week. Because the way they're playing, I question whether there are two more wins on the schedule. You can get away with allowing four first downs against Washington State. But can you survive a performance like that against a real Pac-10 team?
Oregon State is again lurking. USC is still the king. And UCLA, Washington, Stanford, Arizona, and Arizona State will punish the Ducks for the inexcusable lack of poise that the Ducks continue to display week after week. Neuheisel. Stoops. Erickson. They must be licking their chops.
Seven games. You've gotta win two. And with the way the Ducks are playing this year, you can't help but think they'll be staying home for the holidays.
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Canzano's stories are all of three basic types
1. Self-evident truths, like that Brandon Roy is the key to the Blazers success.
2. Random criticisms and elevation of mundane events (see his Ducks criticism).
3. Stories about people with dred diseases who are fans of his teams.
I’m glad to join the majority that booed him this summer when he was introduced in Portland at the AAA HR Derby.
"Good evening Blazer fans, wherever you may be!"-Bill Schonely
Rec
Wouldn’t be a Canzano story without a few 1 sentence paragraphs and a whole lot of pessimism.
Guy behind me at Autzen says "why do the fans yell 'OOOOOO' when we are on D?" He then proceeds to yell "DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" on every defensive play for the rest of the game. As Carlos Mencia would say, "Dee Dee Deeeee".
by MarineCorpsDuck on Oct 5, 2009 12:34 PM PDT reply actions
That was so dead-on, I’m going to have to start ignoring everything you write, too.
by grimc on Oct 5, 2009 12:43 PM PDT reply actions 1 recs
Funny.
You should teach a freshman J-school course: How To See Only The Negative In Everything 101
By the grace of Juju, we all are day-to-day.
You forgot the part where Oregon lets thugs do whatever they want and be reinstated to the team, while their coach has a severe integrity problem.
I don’t read much Canzano (thankfully) but he seems like the Bill Plaschke of Oregon, with the only difference being that his one sentence fragment paragraphs aren’t nearly as bad.
I feel the need, the need...for speed!
Yeah, the tones are definitely different. Plaschke is a blowhard, but he gets things right sometimes and can be positive, even though his writing is always hacky and forced. Canzano, on the other hand, is just a jerk.
I feel the need, the need...for speed!
(at least when he writes, which is my only knowledge of the man)
I feel the need, the need...for speed!
good comment
We don’t know the man. We may not like his writing, but lets not make it personal.
--Dave
Addicted to Quack, SBN's Oregon Ducks blog
Here’s some non-writing knowledge of him for you.
Guy behind me at Autzen says "why do the fans yell 'OOO' when we are on D?" He then proceeds to yell "DEEEEEEEE" on every defensive play for the rest of the game. As Carlos Mencia would say, "Dee DeeDee".
by MarineCorpsDuck on Oct 5, 2009 2:23 PM PDT up reply actions
HAHA. My buddy calls him...
The Anne Coulter of Oregon sports…. funny shiz.
Haha!
so true
Formerly, thats a no-go.
I apologize for my ignorant and blatant lack of refinement in terms of my cursage. I did not know much of this Tuel feller so I accidentally used another innocent mans picture. Believe me, IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN!
Was this a tounge-in-cheek mockery of Canzano? Or did these words actually come out of his mouth?
I support Takimoto in his effort to support Roger Kieschnick in his quest to becoming the best Kieschnick ever to play professional baseball.
Haha ok I thought so too, but I had to be sure. Because honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me.
I support Takimoto in his effort to support Roger Kieschnick in his quest to becoming the best Kieschnick ever to play professional baseball.
by The VD Special on Oct 5, 2009 2:01 PM PDT up reply actions
The title makes more sense now…
I support Takimoto in his effort to support Roger Kieschnick in his quest to becoming the best Kieschnick ever to play professional baseball.
by The VD Special on Oct 5, 2009 2:02 PM PDT up reply actions
Can Canzano facebook group
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=149240691422&ref=mf
Good Times, lol.
joined it!
To go out and ruin somebody's dreams like that, it feels real good," Oregon receiver Jaison Williams.
THAT IS SO RIDICULOUSLY DEAD-ON
that it is not even funny.
Great satire
This article is right on. I won’t read any articles that he writes. I used to respond to his articles but he will delete any negative posts.
Can we start calling him GONZO?
Damn wind gust!
Back at the 2007 Oregon-Arizona game I chucked a bottle at Canza$$hole’s shiny bald head when he walked by behind the Oregon bench, but didn’t correct for the wind and missed nailing him in the temple by just an inch or two. People around me cheered, but also gave me crap about not leading the receiver properly on a crossing route.
Damn wind gust, otherwise I would have pegged that ass-hat.
He would have had you arrested.
Guy behind me at Autzen says "why do the fans yell 'OOO' when we are on D?" He then proceeds to yell "DEEEEEEEE" on every defensive play for the rest of the game. As Carlos Mencia would say, "Dee DeeDee".
by MarineCorpsDuck on Oct 5, 2009 2:24 PM PDT up reply actions
Would the cops really have listened to him?
Formerly, thats a no-go.
I apologize for my ignorant and blatant lack of refinement in terms of my cursage. I did not know much of this Tuel feller so I accidentally used another innocent mans picture. Believe me, IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN!
Holy crap that's funny...
Seriously.
That was the best part of my day.
But, should I really be laughing at this? That’s the question we all need to ask ourselves…
Let’s not forget how no one was laughing when the Ducks got embarrassed at Boise St.
Or how LeGarre…. Shoots Self…
by Douglas Bubbletrousers on Oct 5, 2009 2:25 PM PDT reply actions
Wow. Link.
Guy behind me at Autzen says "why do the fans yell 'OOO' when we are on D?" He then proceeds to yell "DEEEEEEEE" on every defensive play for the rest of the game. As Carlos Mencia would say, "Dee DeeDee".
Great Story!
John Canzano has the credibility of, the intellectual honesty of, and the personal magnetisim of Glenn Beck……how pathetic that the Boregonian needs his stupidity to sell papers. Go Ducks!!!!
by Magnificent Duck on Oct 5, 2009 2:44 PM PDT reply actions
IDIOT
From those words its likely Canzano doesn’t know the difference between a football and a hockey puck.
I guees USC isn’t bowl bound since they didn’t meet the prerequisite of beating UW 60-0 either.
Surely the 42 points in the first half put up by the ducks were not enough and they should have continued to run up the score and waste the opportunity to develop other players.
The defense only allowed the Cougs across the 50 1 time, then sacked them back across….amatuerish obviously.
6 incomplete passes, outrageous. Good thing Stanford threw 12 and USC threw 9 so we can watch the bowl festivities together.
It's spelled "T-A-K-O-T-U-E-S-D-A-Y-S-!-!-!."
I support inroywetrust in his support of The VD Special in his support of me supporting Roger Kieschnick in his quest to becoming the best Kieschnick ever to play professional baseball.
I looks like those rocks are smiling
Which one is WSU? I guess I’m one of ‘those guys’ that can’t tell the difference. Sigh
Very nice.
Am I too bold as to think this is an answer to the fanpost I wrote about him on Sat?
To go out and ruin somebody's dreams like that, it feels real good," Oregon receiver Jaison Williams.
Article is dead on about his "analysis" of our football team
and it was quite amusing :) !
But the problem is, making fun of him is giving him the attention he craves so desperately…It sucks…It is like how do you protest protesting?
Formerly, thats a no-go.
I apologize for my ignorant and blatant lack of refinement in terms of my cursage. I did not know much of this Tuel feller so I accidentally used another innocent mans picture. Believe me, IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN!
I'm making a list of the top 500 things I hate
1. Raisins
2. Mispronunciation of the word ‘nuclear’
3. Excessively negative people
…
I feel the need, the need...for speed!
I used to do drugs
I still do, but I used to too.
It's spelled "T-A-K-O-T-U-E-S-D-A-Y-S-!-!-!."
I support inroywetrust in his support of The VD Special in his support of me supporting Roger Kieschnick in his quest to becoming the best Kieschnick ever to play professional baseball.
I like to play blackjack
I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle
Hi, my name is Matt Daddy and I am a....
HUGE FREAKING DUCK FAN!!!!!!... "Hi Matt Daddy"
My friend said to me, “I think the weather’s trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should’ve just said, ‘Yeah.’”
I was reading that on a quote site and laughing out loud. The dude was just brilliant.
by Bill Musgrave on Oct 5, 2009 6:18 PM PDT up reply actions
Theres a fishing show on T.V
they catch the fish, but they let it go…They don’t want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something.
Well, lets find out who Juju will help us deal with next
I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, “Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.”
I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don’t you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom’s got a lot of people sitting around watching TV.
by Bill Musgrave on Oct 5, 2009 6:25 PM PDT up reply actions
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, “I hear music”, as if there is any other way you can take it in. You’re not special, that’s how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
Imagine
being killed by a bow and arrow, that would suck. An arrow killed you…They would never solve the crime. Look at that dead guy, lets go that way
Well, lets find out who Juju will help us deal with next
DAMN IT OTTO,
you have lupus
wants to challenge the definitions of sin and search the world for lovers of ultimate beauty but never settle in.
Dog are forever in the push up position
Hi, my name is Matt Daddy and I am a....
HUGE FREAKING DUCK FAN!!!!!!... "Hi Matt Daddy"
you keep saying
“pretty good”, so were you disappointed?
wants to challenge the definitions of sin and search the world for lovers of ultimate beauty but never settle in.
Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That’s a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, “What candy bar are you getting?”, “That one… and every one on the bottom row!”
May we hand you your taints on a silver platter...
I was going to have my teeth whitened,
But then I said fuck that, Ill just get a tan instead
Formerly, thats a no-go.
I apologize for my ignorant and blatant lack of refinement in terms of my cursage. I did not know much of this Tuel feller so I accidentally used another innocent mans picture. Believe me, IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN!
ATQ'ers should make a pack to whenever Clownzano writes an article about the ducks
we go to his column on Oregonlive.com and fill his comments section with Hedberg quotes. Other readers would be like, “these commenters sure don’t have anything useful to say, but they’re kind of funny”
Wonder how long it would take that moron to catch on that real duck fans find his tripe meaningless.
Hi, my name is Matt Daddy and I am a....
HUGE FREAKING DUCK FAN!!!!!!... "Hi Matt Daddy"
by Matt Daddy on Oct 5, 2009 9:38 PM PDT up reply actions 3 recs
rec-iddy rec'd yourself
we could also switch it up. some weeks it’s hedberg, some weeks it’s juju magic, some weeks it’s i can haz football graphics
by Bill Musgrave on Oct 5, 2009 9:44 PM PDT up reply actions
I have an even better idea!
ATQ’ers should make a pact to whenever Clownzano writes an article about the ducks
we go to his column on Oregonlive.com and fill his comments section with Hedberg quotes. Other readers would be like, "these commenters sure don’t have anything useful to say, but they’re kind of funny"
Wonder how long it would take that moron to catch on that real duck fans find his tripe meaningless.
Addicted To Quack [dot] com; Six-hundred and ninety-four yards of total offense.
Post a link from here for his articles...
And I will quote Mitch Hedburg!
Well, lets find out who Juju will help us deal with next
Yes!
I’m sure many will contribute if there is a main page post or fanpost each time.
Pubert Jones > Hedo
by rockingharder on Oct 6, 2009 4:11 PM PDT up reply actions
I wish that guy was still alive.
"We have found out that you can just, you know, buy psychological validation, so..." -Nathan Explosion
by randommanthefirst on Oct 7, 2009 5:32 PM PDT up reply actions
I hate him.
Canzano gets OWNED
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5s9MXTvb_rc
"Q: What would you say the loudest stadiums are? Corso: I think Autzen Stadium. Per person, the Oregon stadium is the loudest stadium I’ve ever been in. The fact that it’s so low to the ground doesn’t allow the sound to escape." Lee Corso, ESPN GameDay.
Fish are always eating other fish.
If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going “Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!”
As long as we're looking for silver linings...
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. “Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”
Anyone want his email?
John Canzano
johncanzano@aol.com
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