Tequila.  It makes her clothes fall off.  It's not necessary for a good night, but it helps a lot.  It's pretty hangover-resistant, especially if you're drinking decent or better tequila, and not the crappy stuff.  So as an ode to the magic elixir from south of the border, I present a primer on how to seem really pretentious next time you're at a Mexican restaurant.

And for the minors in attendance, there will be a non-alcoholic section too!  So come on in and learn somethin'!

Tequila, like champagne or Black Butte Porter, is named after a place; more specifically, the town of Tequila, in Jalisco, Mexico.  The name means "place of tribute," so if you're paying tribute to someone with a drink, tequila is appropriate. 

Most all liquor is distilled from some sort of plant matter: whiskey comes from corn or rye, vodka from potatoes, wheat, or sugar beets, gin (and Everclear) from cereal grain.  Tequila is made from the blue agave plant, a plant found growing native to Jalisco.  The heart of the agave plant is harvested by hand, the juices are pressed out and fermented.  The fermented product is distilled twice to produce silver tequila, and is either bottled as such or put in barrels for aging. 

Types of Tequila

Blanco (silver) - Un-aged tequila, or aged less than two months in flavor-neutral barrels.

Oro (Gold) - A tequila blend, gold tequila is silver mixed with aged tequila.

Reposado - Tequila aged at least two months, but less than one year.

Añejo - Tequila aged at least one year, but less than three years.

Extra Añejo - Tequila aged at least three years.

Aging is done in oak barrels, and gives aged tequilas a smoother, more complex taste when compared with silver or gold tequila, which is harsher due to the more prevalent distilled agave. 

How to Drink

Shots - Tequila shots are usually taken with salt and lime.  In Mexico, this is known as "tequila cruda," which is Spanish for "pansy-ass drinking."  Salt and lime is best with lower-quality tequilas, as it masks much of that crappy-tequila burn.  Step 1: Lick the back of your hand. 
Step 2: Shake salt on to the back of your hand. 
Step 3: Pick up tequila and lime. 
Step 4: Lick salt, shoot tequila, suck on lime. 
Step 5: Repeat steps 1-4. 
Step 6: ...I'm not actually sure what happens during Step 6, put I always wake up with no pants on and something in my apartment broken.

Good tequila, especially tequila añejo and extra añejo, should be consumed like any other high-class liquor: straight.  Enjoy all those complex flavors.  You deserve it. 

Other ways to enjoy tequila include the margarita (tequila, triple sec, lime juice), the tequila sunrise (tequila, OJ, grenadine), the Paloma (tequila, lime juice, grapefruit juice), or any of the many fruit-flavored margaritas.  I wouldn't waste top-shelf tequila on a mixed drink, but cheaper blanco tequila is really nice in a drink.

A Quick Tequila Buyer's Guide

This is all about value.  I'm not gonna tell you to buy a $150,000 bottle of tequila.  Instead, how about good tequila for the money?

1800 Blanco Tequila - Cheaper than Patron, and still tastes really good.  A great choice if you wanna have a cheap tequila night with good tasting tequila.

Sauza Gold Tequila - Much better than Cuervo Gold for the same price.

Patron Anejo Tequila - Great for sipping, and not ridiculously expensive. There's a reason why Patron is the first name that comes to mind when talking about high-end tequila.

Don Julio Blanco Tequila  - I actually like this a little better than Patron Blanco, it's got a little more taste to it and it's better for sipping.

I hope this has sufficiently quenched your thirst for knowledge.  Let me know in the comments section if there are more types of booze you'd like covered in this forum. 

NON-ALCOHOLIC FUN TIME!

Just like the prom after-party at the Vice President of the Math Club's house, you won't find any booze here!  Topic of discussion for today: Dr. Pepper has 23 flavors.  What are they?  DISCUSS!

As usual, this is a happy place.  Jovial atmosphere.  Yadda yadda yadda.  Keg Stickers and I Need a Beer back next week.