Look. I'm sorry. I know it's Civil War week. The Rose Bowl is on the line. Everyone - the players, the coaches, the bloggers - need to be on their A game to give the Ducks the best chance at winning. But I just couldn't handle the pressure. Since last week, I've been staring at my computer, trying to come up with the perfect Civil War Tako Tuesday. Boom. Writer's block. It's incredibly embarrassing, and I just want to drive my car into a fire hydrant and a tree. But I just couldn't deliver this week. So I had to turn this section over to someone else. But who? I couldn't just decide on one person, so I thought it would be best if I let the best and the brightest minds around throw their two cents in.
Tako Tuesdays: I'M BACK, BITCHES!
Written by CV3000
Missed me? I bet you did! Let me first start with a simple concession: yes, OSU's little brother got lucky by barely beating the Beavers last year. Let's disregard the fact that we were missing the Orange Jesus, Jacquizz Rodgers. Let's throw out the fact that James Rodgers was knocked out of the game on a blatant cheap shot. Let's ignore that Sean Canfield, who led the Beavs to a win over Arizona the week before, sat idly by while Lyle Moevao gave his heart and soul and played admirably with an injured shoulder. I feel bad for the team, and I feel bad for the city of Eugene, because everyone in town surely went out and did a bunch of meth to celebrate. And what did it really prove?
OSU proved it was truly the better team by shutting out an explosive Pitt team in the Sun Bowl, while Oregon squeaked out another win over another injury-plagued team. If Dez Bryant doesn't get hurt, and TJ Ward isn't allowed to put multiple cheap shots on Zac Robinson, the Cowboys win by 30.
Then the Duck thugs go and start a street fight in Boise the next September. Maybe they should stop smoking Blounts and start practicing football. More evidence of Chip Kelly running what could have been a perennial middle-of-the-Pac team into the ground. Have fun being Washington State in two years. I wonder if Chip will be able to get his job back at New Hampshire after ruining a major conference football program. Look at the facts:
FACT: Oregon State is undefeated against run-first offenses this year.
FACT: Oregon hasn't beaten the Beavers in Autzen Stadium since 2005, and that game totally doesn't count because of Phil Knight pumping in gallons of fog to slow down the Beavers offense.
FACT: Oregon's two losses have come against a team with a great inside rusher, and a team with a left-handed quarterback. Oregon State has both.
FACT: The Duckies' D has given up 113 points the last three games, vs. the Beavers allowing 45 points, while scoring 121.
Now, let's re-examine last year's game. Some of you may think the Ducks blew out the Beavers. Not true. Oregon State basically won the game, and here's how:
Without Jacquizz Rodgers in the game, the Beavers fumbled twice. It's a known fact that Quizz is incapable of fumbling up the football, so let's take those away. That means taking away 7 points from the Ducks, since they scored off one of those fumbles. The score is now 58-38 Ducks. If the Beavers hold on to the ball, they almost definitely score, since Moevao was lighting up the Ducks secondary like butthol lights his farts. So now the score is 58-45 Ducks.
Quizz also averaged 5 ypc last year, and a touchdown a game. That puts his approximate game at 31 carries for 155 yards and a score. Add this TD to the score and it's now 58-52 Ducks. This comes into play big in the first half, when the Ducks scored 17 points in the last 2:13. If Quizz is around, the Beavers control the clock, keeping the ball for the rest of the half and taking 14 Ducks points off the board. So the score is now 52-44 Beavers.
Keep in mind, this is a conservative estimate. The Beavers would have won by way more.
What has changed between then and now? Very little on the Beavers' end. Sammie Stroughter was a loss, but the Beavs have made up for it in depth, with six receivers with ten or more catches on the season. The Ducks depleted secondary can't hang with this group. Sean Canfield has emerged as the best quarterback in the Pac-10. Oh, and guess who's healthy?
Honestly Duck fans, why do you think you even have a chance? Look at those abs! That's like a nineteen-pack! You're done, just stop caring. Let's hope Blount starts sucker punching fans again, so at least something will be entertaining. And if you've ever wondered who I am in real life, I'll be the one laughing at you on your way out of Autzen Thursday night... CV OUT!!
Tako Tuesdays: Coup de HONK!
Written by TwistNHook
In the time of the Cro-Magnon people, when the men were primitive and dense, and the women were hairy (similar to modern-day Stanfurd), there existed a duck and a beaver. Both co-existed somewhat peacefully, though there were tensions: the beaver was always chopping down trees that the duck was sitting in, and the duck was eating all the caveman bread, which was the beaver's favorite form of glue for his dams. At some point, this conversation took place:
Duck via www.aimrules.com
Beaver via a1.twimg.com
The Duck and the Beaver waged many battles. The duck would poop on the beaver's dam, the beaver would spread vicious rumors about the duck frequenting goose burlesques. There was even a lewd relationship between a duck and a beaver. Both of them were killed, but William Shakespeare got the idea for Romeo and Juliet and the platypus was born, so we can't totally discount their indiscretions. Just last year, a flock of ducks launched an assault on the beavers' headquarters, pounding them into submission, and stepping on their rose bushes on the way out.
Eventually, evolution has a way of evening things out. And as soon as bears came around, they ate these woodland creatures like popcorn shrimp at Long John Silver's. Therefore, in honor of this natural forest phenomenon, I declare this land CGB North once again! Whilst the silly Oregonians quibbled over who gets to use the lake, AtQ South was recaptured with little resistance. Our only losses were CBKWit, who can't seem to stay alive anymore, and Girlfriend Of Takimoto, who is clearly being held against her will in an undiscovered location, because why else would she date a Duck? For my first act as Supreme Supreme Overlord, I would like to invite jtlight to the Brock Mansion Party Yacht as a showing of goodwill. We definitely won't be waiting to douse you in JDraft and throw you in the Willamette River with the corpses of JShufelt and WoodburnDave tied to your ankles.
Tako Tuesdays: DUX AND BEEFERS AND SOUPERPUNS
When the Masoli-O's with a side of mixed greens (and yellows) put the Dickson the smelly Beaver faces on Thursday, they'll come out of it worse than the Men of Latex did a month ago. Lou Holtz will declare Notre Dame Rose Bowl champs, but the Dux can take it to Toe Sue in the Rose Bowl, before it's time to start panicing about next season! The Ducks will be carnivores Thursday and gobble up those Beefers!
Tako Tuesdays: Cliff Harrection
By Matt Daddy
I've said it before, and it's worth saying again: I love Cliff Harris. I love his potential to be the greatest corner in Oregon history. I love the way his helmet looks enormous on him. I love his laugh. I love his scent. I love his musk. When all this gets sorted out, I think me and him should get an apartment together. He makes me want to be a better man.
I also love graphs:
As you can see, his not being a Beaver has a lot to do with it, as does the safety and security I feel when he's around. [ Tako's Note] Incidentally, the graph looks like Go Ducks PacMan.
Statistically, the numbers are telling.
IOCPOeB HSTAC/D CH-RD N10CLSACH ROA
Matt Daddy 5 18.5 17 3 1
Bill Musgrave 0 3.75 5 0 0
JShufelt 2 7.1 8 1 0
trumpetduck 1 4.6 11 5 0
skywaker9 0 3.3 5 0 0
jtlight 1 4 6 0 0
IOCBOeB - Items of Cliff's purchased on eBay
HSTAC/D - Hours spent think about Cliff per Day
CH-RD - Cliff Harris-related dreams
N10CLSACH - NCAA '10 Campus Legends games started as Cliff Harris
ROA - Restraining orders against
Cliff Harris is clearly the second coming of Kenny Wheaton, Patrick Chung, and a velociraptor. Cherish him damnit!
Well there you go. I think they did a great job, don't you? As always, keep it jovial in the comments, go Ducks, and remember:
Sometimes A Takimoto Is Rendered Embarrassed.