...but I'm in no position to talk about football this week. Nothing has changed between Thursday and today that needs to be said, other than I'm disappointed that Ethan Grant switched allegiances. We're in the Rose Bowl, and we're allowed to stay up on this high horse for a few more days before it's back to work as usual. There are more pressing matters at hand. After multiple conversations with Jared, there is only one thing I can write about this week:
MTV's Jersey Shore!!!
If you don't watch reality TV, hate stupid shows like the Real World, and want to hear more gloating from axemen23, then feel free to peruse the rest of the site today. This probably isn't for you. But I'm convinced there are more than just two of us who are hooked by this show after only one episode.
This has the chance to be the greatest reality show of all time, after only one episode. If you haven't seen the show, then turn on MTV right now. Chances are it's on. Imagine the Real World, only the eight members of the house are Jersey Shore Guidos and Guidettes. If you are unfamiliar with guido culture, watch this primer (hell of NSFW):
Needless to say, the eight members of the house are some of the dumbest people on the planet. Let's quickly go over the cast:
Nicole, aka "Snooki" - Looks like Christina Aguilera if Christina Aguilera was run over by a third skank truck (I figure Xtina's already been hit by a couple). She nearly left the show after not immediately connecting with her housemates in the first 48 hours, a completely reasonable expectation. After being convinced to stay, she goes out to the club, brings a guy home who looks like Fredo Corleone - if he lived in this era - and proceeds to watch him puke all over the deck. This is a relatively minor incident on the two hour show.
DJ Pauly D - At 28, he's the oldest of the group as well as the wisest. The things we learn from Pauly D:
- It takes him twenty-five minutes to do his hair.
- It only takes nine pounds of pressure to break a nose.
- It is more cost-effective to buy hair gel by the case.
- Ladies love the Prince Albert.
Jenni, aka JWOWWW - It's hilarious that people continue to come on these shows with significant others back home. I wonder if they're contractually obligated to stay in the relationship for plot purposes? Anyway, she's already made out with Pauly D twice. This can't end well. It can only end wonderfully.
Ronnie - First, if they ever add this cast into the Real World/Road Rules Challenge mix, Ronnie could be the LeBron James of RW/RR. He made this drink called RonRon Juice, which included cranberry juice, watermelon, cherries, and a LOT of vodka. And he spent the night with Sammi, who we'll get to next. Ronnie has high upside potential to give us the greatest reality show fight of all time.
Sammi, aka "Sweetheart" - She's already made out with two members of the house, and has established herself as the #1 skank of skanks.
Vinny - Vinny isn't completely brain-dead, like many of his other housemates. He's got a college degree at 21, and is simply enjoying a summer of debauchery. And can you really blame the guy? You might as well spend it in a place where everyone's dumber than you and no one will remember anything you do the next day anyway.
Angelina - Like Sammi is the skanks among skanks, Angelina is the bitch among bitches. She's content with being an asshole, and doesn't care what other people think. And that's okay with me.
Mike, aka "The Situation" - The Jeff Spicoli of the house, the Heath Ledger Joker, the Daniel Plainview. This guy will carry the show to success all by himself. There isn't a human being on Earth more full of himself than The Situation, and watching his insecurity show itself when Ronnie made out with Sammi was just outstanding. Like he would say, this is a good situation.
You may call this kind of show trashy, stupid, and a waste of time. And it is. But is it entertaining? Hells to the yes. From a cultural perspective, this is no different from laughing at any sitcom character who says or does something stupid. The only difference is these people aren't actors, which makes it that much funnier. It also makes it a little sadder. But I'm focusing on the funny part.
Hey. We're in the Rose Bowl. So you know who gets a Keg Sticker this week? Everybody! If this is your first one, don't feel like this is a participation trophy. We're all winners. Pac-10 winners.
But you know who Needs a Beer? Quinn and me, for tying in the Jersey Contest. Yes, my changing my Pitt pick to Cincinnati at the last minute forced the tie, but I wasn't about to lose either. And as much as I know all of you want to see Zubaz pants, we won't give you the satisfaction. It'll be the Bowl Pick 'Em, winner take all.