It's finally here. Everything so far this season -- the punch on the smurf turf, smashing Cal and USC as if they were MAC runners-up, receiving "the full Gerhart" in Palo Alto, and the crossbar-induced heart attack in the desert -- has led to this. It's time for us to take 5 minutes to stop yelling "O" at the top of our lungs and to start listening to the gentle whispers of the Juju.Once again, HT: OBNUG for the anagramming idea. Remember, anagrams are the Juju's way of communicating directly to its humble servants.
Coach Jim Tressel: Her Jest's Comical
Much like in the Civil War edition of the Whispers, the Juju wasted no time starting in with the semi-sexist jokes. But let's look a bit deeper here: to what jest is the Juju referring? That would, of course, be the jest that Tressel is thinking about opening up the playbook and letting Pryor, you know, be good.
"So if we can go in with all the folks ready to rock and roll and be healthy, hopefully we can create more problems for their defense."
Consider the facts: (A) Pryor came to tOSU because he didn't want to be a running QB. (B) Tressel's gameplan is about as likely to change as his wardrobe, and I'm about 95% sure that he sleeps in that sweatervest. You're right, Juju -- that is comical.
Terrelle Pryor (#2, QB): Portly Err Reel
Looks like this message isn't about Pryor so much about the protection that his O-line won't be giving him. A "Portly Err Reel" signifies that we'll be able to make a highlight video solely out of our defensive penetration of the offensive line and the ensuing cathartic sacking.
Brandon Saine (#3, RB): Brain? Sad -- none.
Apparently their star RB-who-isn't-also-a-QB isn't the brightest bulb in the discount bin. Pity.
Daniel Herron (#1, RB): Linen Hoarder
While I was visiting my parents for the holidays, they were watching some TiVo'd episodes of a show called "Hoarders," wherein a bunch of crazypants people had to deal with the ramifications of their complete inability to throw crap away. Apparently, Daniel likes to hoard things too. Linen things. If you're heading down to Pasadena, I'd jealously guard your unmentionables.
Dane Sanzenbacher (#12, WR): Brazen Acne; Sad Hen
He's got complexion issues and is a girl chicken. It's like he was trying to have the letters in his name rearrange into something demeaning.
Aaron Pettrey (#20, K): A Potty Earner
Clearly, this refers to the timeless tradition of stuffing someone into a port-a-potty and tipping it over. Since it's the kicker, I'm thinking he'll be missing some crucial FG/XP attempts to earn such a treatment.
I promised myself that I'd stop writing when my laptop battery gave out, and I'm getting pretty close to that. I'll try to pick it back up in the morning and add a few more. Edit: Laptop battery has recharged, and the sweet, sweet elixir of coffee is coarsing through my veins. Let's do this.
Duron Carter (#9, WR): Rotund Racer
Can't spell fast without f-a-t, eh, Carter?
Kurt Coleman (#4, CB): Tackle on Rum
Drunk on the day of the huge game? For shame. Just remember that when you miss that crucial tackle, Kurt.
Robert Rose (#9, DT): Errors-to-be
We can expect some huge, and likely hilarious, mistakes from Robby today.
Nate Oliver (#15, S): Revelation
A subtle reminder that these messages are handed to us from the ever-benevolent Juju. Juju be praised!
Lawrence Wilson (#87, DT): Recall Nine Wows
Looks like nine times this season, Lawrence has wowed Buckeye fans. Something should happen in this game to undo all that good work.
C. J. Barnett (#14, CB): If We'd Have Gotten Terrelle Pryor, We Might Never Have Met Our Man-Crush Recipient Masoli
When a guy's name has so many consonants and so few vowels that he breaks that anagram machine, the Juju leaves us room to simply speak from the heart. This pretty much sums up how I feel about the game. It's time to go out there and rock it. GO DUCKS!