Now I consider myself to be a pretty levelheaded guy. I can usually see, and even argue, both sides of an issue. There are a few things, however, that are undebateable:
March Madness is the best postseason tournament in all of sports.
The Oregon Ducks would have won the 2007 National Championship if not for Dennis Dixon's knee injury.
Red Vines are, in every way, superior to Twizzlers.
Consider the facts:
- If you look at the top of your browser when you visit http://www.redvines.com/ you will see:
Red Vines - THE premium quality licorice
I mean, you can't really argue with that. When you load www.twizzlers.com, you get hit with some awful jingle music.
- Twizzlers are strawberry-flavored candy twists. You know what flavor Red Vines are? RED. That's right, red. The most delicious flavor of all, just like red Gummi Bears and red Otter Pops, and don't give me that Poncho Punch crap, that's a racist otter and the flavor is red.
- Twizzlers Inc. has 15 different styles and flavors of candy, in exotic styles like Twerpz, Straws, and Sourz. Yeah, ok guys, have fun at the kid's table. Red Vines come in four styles: Red, Black, Strawberry, and Cherry. Twizzlers are Smirnoff vodka, with all their cutesy flavors and high-school girls taking half-ounce shots in their parents' basement. Red Vines are whiskey. Just give me two Red Vines, neat.
- Red Vines are healthier for you. Each vine is about 25 calories, while each Twizzler is 40. A serving of Red Vines (9 vines) contain 25g of sodium. A serving of Twizzlers (4 pieces) contain 95g. Good God that's a lot of sodium.
- Twizzlers have a chocolate flavor. Um, ew. If I wanted chocolate, the last thing I'd be looking for is chewy, fake tasting chocolate licorice. Give me a break.
- Red Vines have been around since 1914. That's almost 100 years of perfecting the recipe. Twizzlers have spent so much time thinking of new varieties that they kept the original flavors just as shitty as when they first came out.
- Twizzlers have spent millions on advertising, flashy packaging, and cutesy marketing schemes. You how Red Vines sell candy? By making fucking delicious licorice, that's how!
I think I've stated my case clearly.
Since we've been talking about candy, here is a list of my top eight favorite candies, for your debating pleasure
1. Skittles - When I'm not craving any particular kind of candy, fruity or chocolate, I'm always gonna go fruity, and Skittles are fantastic. Not too chewy, you can separate the flavors or eat them all at once, and the sour Skittles are my favorite sour candy.
2. See's Candy Scotchmallows - For those of you unfamiliar with See's candy, a Scotchmallow is marshmallow, caramel, wrapped in dark chocolate. It's as if a Milky Way, a S'more, and crack cocaine has a three-way mega baby.
3. Red Vines - Now you understand the passion. I could eat the 64 oz. tub in three days if I'm left alone with it.
4. Kit Kat - Chocolate, meet wafer. SImple and delicious.
5. Zots - If you haven't had Zots, seek them out. A truly unique experience.
6. Tootsie Rolls - I might be in the minority on this one, and I know I just complained about chocolate Twizzlers. I can't explain why I like Tootsie rolls, but I do.
7. Gummi Bears - I only eat the red ones.
8. 100 Grand - It's like a Twix with crunchies in the chocolate. Bonus!
The Theft Thing
I'm gonna go ahead and not state my opinions, or try and guess at what may or may not have happened, because this whole story is bizarre. I do know that there is a reason why I never felt the need to get involved with the Greek system. Stay away from the frats Ducks. Board game night is just as fun, and you don't have to deal with stupid people you barely know.
This is how emotional this whole licorice brouhaha has made me: everyone that was on the correct side of the argument gets a Keg Sticker. That means you, echo31, CaDuck, QuackinAK, trumpetduck, Dave, and Bill Musgrave. On top of that, Bill Musgrave is the official winner of the 2009 Tako Tuesdays award. His prize? 3 additional Keg Stickers!
Addicted to Quack
Keg icon via www.beerguide.com.au
Topic of discussion in the comments: What arguments are so one-sided you feel stupid having to write a FanPost defending it?
Which is better, Red Vines or Twizzlers?
Red Vines (144 votes)
I'm an idiot. (38 votes)
182 total votes