Join me for the first 2010 performance of the Addicted to Quack Theater Company, directed by yours truly. I have chosen "The Wizard of Oz" as our winter production, and the cast has put in a season's worth of hard work putting this all together. The cast is as follows:
DOROTHY: The Oregon Ducks football team
THE SCARECROW: AtQ Dave
THE TIN MAN: ProbablyMonty
THE COWARDLY LION: Matt Daddy
GLINDA, THE GOOD WITCH OF THE NORTH: CaDuck
THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST: axemen23
THE WIZARD: The Juju
AUNTIE EM: JShufelt
UNCLE HENRY: jtlight
As a free sneak peek, we'd like to present a scene for your enjoyment. The setting is Pasadena. The date is January 2nd, 2010.
JUJU: Good people of Duck Nation, this team is positively the best team in the Pac-10 this season. We are now about to embark on a hazardous and technically unexplainable journey towards the 2011 BCS National Championship, to confer, converse, and otherwise hob-nob with the college football elite. And I hereby decree that until what time - if any - I may return, Dave, by virtue of his superior brains, shall rule in my stead...assisted by ProbablyMonty, by virtue of his magnificent heart...and Matt Daddy, by virtue of his courage! And well, um, that's all. Thank you.
Spotlight on an Oz woman (dvieira), with Amanda Pflugrad in her arms. qrsouther jumps out of the basket.
DUCKS: Come back here! Quinn!
The Ducks jump out of the basket.
DUCKS: Don't go without me! I'll be right back! Quinn!
The balloon starts to rise.
MONTY: Stop that dog!
JUJU: This is a highly irregular procedure!
MONTY: Somebody help me! Help!
DUCKS: Don't leave without me!
JUJU: I can't come back! I don't know how it works!
JUJU: Goodbye folks! Goodbye!
DUCKS: Now I'll never get to the National Championship game!
MATT DADDY: You can go without the Juju, Ducks. We all love you here. We believe in you.
DUCKS: That's very kind of you, Matt. But I couldn't do it without the Juju. JShufelt must have moved on to watching basketball without pants on instead of watching football with no pants on by now. Oh Dave, what should I do?
DAVE: Look, here's someone who can help!
CaDuck floats down in his girly pink bubble.
DUCKS: Can you help me? Will you help me?
CADUCK: You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to win a National Championship.
DUCKS: I have?
DAVE: Why didn't you tell them before?
CADUCK: Because they wouldn't have believed me. They had to learn it for themselves.
MONTY: What have you learned, Ducks?
DUCKS: Well, I think I've learned that it wasn't enough to simply believe in the Juju and want a Rose Bowl victory. I've learned that it takes winning the day, every day. It takes adapting and performance when faced with even the toughest of white running backs. It takes not punching fools. And if I win all my football games next year, there's a good chance I'll find my National Championship.
CADUCK: That's all it is!
DAVE: But that's so simple! I should have thought of that...
MONTY: I should of felt it in my heart.
CADUCK: No. They had to feel it in their hearts. And now those magic Nike shoes will take you back to Eugene to get ready for next season.
DUCKS: Quinn too?
CADUCK: No. Not Quinn.
CADUCKS: ...OK, fine.
DUCKS: Oh, that's too wonderful to be true. Oh, it's going to be so hard to say goodbye. Goodbye, ProbablyMonty. Oh don't cry. You'll rust so dreadfully. Here, here's your oil can.
MONTY: Now I know I've got a heart...'cause it's breaking!
DUCKS: Goodbye Matt Daddy. I know it isn't right, but I'm going to miss the way you used to scream whenever Cliff Harris was on TV.
MATT DADDY: Well, I wouldn't have my man-crush if he wasn't so amazing.
DUCKS: Dave, I think I'll miss you most of all.
CADUCK: Are you ready now?
DUCKS: Yes. Say goodbye Quinn.
CADUCK: Then close your eyes, click your heels three times, and think to yourself: There's no place like Autzen. There's no place like Autzen.
DUCKS: There's no place like Autzen. There's no place like Autzen. There's no place like Autzen.
FADE TO BLACK
I hope you enjoyed the production. We had a great time with the Juju this season, and it brought us the outright Pac-10 championship and a Rose Bowl berth. Let's let the Juju go find another wayward soul to help and guide to greatness.
KEG STICKERS, the first of 2010, and they're going to Matt Daddy and myself for making it to the "important people" section at the bottom of AtQ. Feels so gooooood. Also, I'm giving stickers to Mike Dunigan and Taylor Lilley for giving the Ducks a Player of the Week sweep this past week, as well as stickers to Gorbachav5 for being stubborn as hell with his kicking opinions. I don't agree with him, but damn it, I respect him. I'm gonna try keeping track of Keg Stickers this year too, cuz I couldn't tell you who got what last year.
As always, keep it classy in the comments section. Happy 2010 everybody. Let's hope it treats us just as well as '09.
Keg icon via www.beerguide.com.au