Hello Oregon faithful! As you no doubt are aware, there is a little game of football to be played in a month. I know that both sides are looking forward to the game, as it will no doubt be a fireworks filled, down to the wire contest. We have nothing but respect for Duck fans, as they have shown class that we are not used to, being from Alabama. With that in mind, we come to the entire point of the article.
I feel like we, as Auburn fans, owe you a serious apology. As a result of your placement in this game with us, you will unfortunately face exposure from one of the most foul, vile, disgusting creatures on the planet: THE BAMMER.
The Bammer is one of the most reviled creatures on Earth. A typical Bammer is easy to recognize, usually by the smell of dirt, tobacco, and whiskey attempting to be masked by cheap cologne that usually extracted from a spray machine in a truck stop bathroom. They typically are unemployed, and have never set foot an ANY college campus, much less the University of Alabama, so they have a lot of time to post on blogs, when they are not engaging in mating rituals with a female of their species, usually from their own family. A sister is generally preferred, but a cousin (as long as it is no distant than 1st cousin), will do. Bammers are not exceptionally dangerous, as they rarely have more than a few teeth. However, it is advised that you exercise extreme caution around a Bammer. Although they are not inherently dangerous themselves, their typical presence is more than most people can stand. Between the foul odor that they generate, as well as their nonstop mating calls, which include phrases like "(F-word) THE BARN!" "BEAR IS GOOD!" and "ROLL TIDE!", most normal people are driven into madness and possible suicide after being in the presence of a Bammer for only a short time.
DO NOT attempt to reason with a Bammer. They are incapable of it. This warning is typically simple to comply with, as most Bammers are incapable of rational thought beyond words of more than one syllable. However, in the rare instance you encounter a "Prime" Bammer, which is defined as a higher level Bammer that is capable of a small level of conversation, you might be tempted to engage the stupid creature in a debate. DO NOT ENGAGE THE BAMMER. It requires special training and much research of things called facts that act as a type of Kryptonite for a Bammer. For example, most Bammers, should they be capable of verbalizing it, like to claim that they have 13 National Championships. Even though their SID back in the 80's, a guy name Wade Atchinson (spelling) ADMITTED IN AN INTERVIEW that he artificially inflated their numbers to make the university look better, they refuse to acknowledge this. If you tell a Bammer that they don't get a national championship every time some now defunct hillbilly hick publication awards it to them, or that by their logic Auburn has 8 national championships and is playing for 9, or that in one of the years they claim a national championship (back in the 1940's,) they finished 4TH IN THE SEC, they will typically revert back to yelling out their mating calls in an attempt to drive you insane. Quite simply, the best course of action when you come across a Bammer is to cup your hands over your ears and go about your business. Eventually the Bammer will go away. It is quite difficult to handle, but it can be done.
We, as Auburn fans, feel responsible for exposing you to the horrendously repugnant species known as the Bammer. For that we are truly, deeply sorry. They have infested your message board already, as I can see. Bammers are like a virus. Whenever Auburn is successful, they show up like a plague and completely ignore their own team. They infest message boards and discussion groups with foul language and their mating calls. Prime Bammers like to claim that we all have 'little brother syndrome', yet they do this while all over ours and our opponents blogs while primarily ignoring their own business. Most Bammers are completely inconsolable this year at the fact that Auburn is better than they are, competing for a national championship, and owns the state. As a result, they simply have no recourse other than to trash Auburn to anyone who will listen, simply because they have nothing better to do. The only solace they have is their hopeful speculation that we won't be as good next year.
We, as Auburn fans have nothing but love and respect for the Duck Nation. While we may debate the numbers and opinions of the upcoming game, we can both agree that it is going to be one hell of a fun game to watch, and may the best team win. As a result of this mutual respect, the Auburn nation feels that we must express our deepest sorrow and regret at having exposed you to the Bammer. As a result of your involvement with us, these sad, pathetic creatures have migrated over here and infected your board with their stuipdity. I'm sure, until a week ago, you had no idea what a Bammer was and couldn't care less. Unfortunately, now you see what we have to deal with every day of every year. Words cannot express how deeply sorry I and the rest of the Auburn nation are to have brought this blight upon you. The only consolation I can offer you is this: at least in a month they will be gone.
Best of luck to the Ducks in the upcoming game. I know all of us are looking forward to it.