*door prize: first person who can name the movie that contains the quote that inspired the title of this weeks tako tuesday wins a (non alcoholic) drink on me at the next ATQ gathering. No, it's not the movie mentioned later in the post.
**Disclaimer- Yeah it's going up at 8:30ish. I have stuff to do. So you can get it now, or you can go to bed tako-less. Besides you already had to wait an extra week didn't you?
Well after the recent Axe-slay that's been ongoing, I thought briefly about making my Tako Tuesday one giant satirical middle finger to you all. But then I remembered that I had an awesome idea soon after appealing to the master to let a minor run the show. Tako and I sort of stumbled onto this during email back-and-forths, and it quickly proved to be an mind-blowing task. So as long as Marty McFly doesn't read Tako's maps, or drink any of Shufelt's beer, this should be a blast.
Simply put, We're going Back to The Future (to the past).
What if....Mike Bellotti had taken the Ohio State job after it was offered to him after the 2000 season?
What you will find after the jump is a humorous/cynical/satirical/teetering on the edge of plausible account of what life in the world of Oregon Football might have been had Bellotti jumped ship to Columbus. All (well most) of these events actually happened in some shape or form, and have been twisted around by your resident jersey contest extrordinaire. This will only span 2001-2004, as doing all 9 years would have been hell and take up waaaaay too much space. The rest will be up to the community based on the foundation i've laid here. All of the coaching openings/firings/hirings happened in reality during the same years that are referenced in this alternate universe, but the destinations have been skewed (insert evil laugh).
You didn't think I'd forget Keg Stickers did you? Unfortunately for you AA veterans, I am under 21. Therefore, possessing alcohol would be a real drag of a legal experience. So instead, I will be handing out Capri Suns to each of the people on the blog who didn't attend Axebash 2010:
Onto the fun!
January 6, 2001: This day became a day of anger and disbelief for Duck fans across the country. Beloved coach Mike Bellotti, fresh off of the biggest win in the program’s recent history, jumped ship to Ohio State University. Bellotti also took Defensive Coordinator Nick Allotti with him.
Athletic Director Bill Moos wasted no time in naming Offensive Coordinator Jeff Tedford as head coach. Tedford was also considered a candidate for other jobs, but Moos put an end to the rumors with a 3 year, $2.8 million deal for Tedford, making him the highest paid coach in the Pac 10 for the 2001 season. To fill Tedford's role as offensive coordinator, Oregon hired Nebraska quarterbacks coach Turner Gill. On the defensive side, Tedford only took four days to hire his new defensive coordinator, poaching Bo Pelini from the NFL, where he was employed as the Green Bay Packers' linebackers coach.
"I look forward to staying to win a title with Coach Bellotti. Nothing could pull me away from finishing the job here in Columbus." – Incoming freshman running back Maurice Clarrett.
December 29, 2001: New coach Jeff Tedford proved early that he could weather the media’s scrutiny, when he was accused of giving improper benefits to the family of star recruit Haloti Ngata. Ultimately it was determined that the informant that the NCAA credited for the (false) tip was University of Washington Head Coach Rick Neuheisel. After Neuheisel resigned his post in Seattle, UW hired Oklahoma Offensive Coordinator Mike Stoops to run the show in Seattle.
Back in Eugene, Senior quarterback Joey Harrington won the Davey O’ Brien award as the nation’s top gunslinger after throwing for 35 TDs in Gill's balanced attack. Running backs Maurice Morris and Onterrio Smith provided a thunder and lightning punch to the equation, and Keenan Howry finished the year with 77 receptions for 890 yards and 11 touchdowns.
New defensive coordinator Bo Pelini proved that he could handle the rigors of being a coordinator, as the ducks defense improved from 38th to 9th in the country overall. His squad had 2 all-conference selections, including Steve Smith, who set the Pac-10 career interceptions record after recording 11 in 2001 for a career total of 22, surpassing Arizona's Chuck Cecil by one. After romping over Colorado in the Fiesta Bowl, things were looking bright for mighty Oregon.
August 16, 2002: As fall practices began to hit their stride, the Ducks were still looking for answers to the questions left by the departure of major statistical and emotional leaders. Gone was star QB Joey Harrington, drafted as a backup to Vinny Testeverde of the Jets in the first round after the Lions shockingly selected Dwight Freeney from Syracuse with the top pick. Also missing from the field were Maurice Morris and Keenan Howry (Jr declaration), members of the Seattle Seahawks and Minnesota Vikings respectively. Junior Jason Fife was tabbed as the heir to Harrington, and Onterrio Smith was to be splitting time in the backfield with fast-rising freshman Terrence Whitehead. At wide receiver, Samie Parker looked to step into the huge shoes of Howry.
Defensively it was up to Kevin Mitchell and Keith Lewis to lead the charge after 2001's efforts put Pelini at the forefront of every job opening in the nation. However, he would have to work his magic without both of hisall-conference stars, as S. Smith and Rashad Bauman had moved on to the pros. The team as a whole was rocked by the suspension of O. Smith for violating team rules during June, but Tedford would say nothing more than that the investigation was ongoing, and he expected Smith back sometime that season.
January 20, 2003: After preseason expectations helped to make 2002 the most anticipated football season in recent memory, nobody could have seen that coming. The shocking departure of Onterrio Smith after the season to the NFL without playing a down in 2002 provided a perfect ending to the season that wasn't. The recent investigation involving Smith implicated him as part of a secretive organization that sold devices that could in theory help a person to beat a urine test for drugs. "The Whizzinator," as it’s called, provided Smith with what was deemed "illegal income." Coach Tedford wasted no time in evicting the star back, saying that "I will have no tolerance for ANY abuse of the law…if you break the law, you are off my team."
On the field, Freshman Terrence Whitehead proved why he shot up the depth chart in summer practices when he rushed for 1655 yards and 12 scores in place of Smith. Whitehead proved to be the prototypical back for Gill's offense, and proved to be a great help to fellow freshman Kellen Clemens, who was forced to burn his redshirt year to replace injured starter Jason Fife. Unfortunately, the injury to Fife, as well as injuries to key members of the defense, including Keith Lewis, derailed the team who stumbled to a brutal loss in the Seattle Bowl to Wake Forest and a 7-6, "what might have been," season.
April 29, 2003: As spring football wrapped up for 2003, It was apparent that things were much more stable after last season’s turbulence. Clemens looked to have a much cleaner grasp of Gill's complex offense. Whitehead, with a full season under his belt, was clearly the top running back behind Clemens. Redshirt freshman Chris Vincent looked to be the power back the team was lacking since the loss of Smith. Split wide was the dynamic tandem of Samie Parker and Demetrius Williams, and with Tim Day manning between the hashes, Clemens didn't have to look far for a target.
On defense, Sophomore Justin Phinisee looked to fill the role of playmaker, and to help start the reign of John Neal off right as the new defensive backs coach. Neal came to Eugene by way of UAB, and was considered by some to be the defensive coordinator in-waiting if Pelini were to ever bolt for a head coaching gig. Up front, new starter Devan Long looked to provide a pass rush on the outside.
"I envision that there won’t be any turnover from Carlos Arroyo to myself. I consider myself to be the best punter in the conference." --Freshman punter Paul Martinez
January 2nd, 2004: The past season proved to be the time when the Ducks would take the next step towards national prominence. Sophomore Kellen Clemens ran Gill's offense to perfection, leading ESPN's Chris Fowler to declare Him "Most underrated coach of the year." Whitehead and Vincent combined to erase any memories of the "Whiz Kid" from memory, with over 2600 yards from scrimmage. Defensively, the team continued to put up stellar numbers, with Devan Long obtaining 11.5 sacks over the course of the year.
Tedford experienced his first major coaching turnover when Gill left in december to fill the vacant Arizona head coaching position. After an extensive search, Tedford hired USC Wide Receivers coach Lane Kiffin to replace Gill. Pelini was signed to a two-year extension, with a buyout that was null and void if he went to another Pac-10 school.
August 11th, 2004: It became evident during the first few days of fall practices, that if Gill's offense was a Subaru rolling down the highway, Kiffin ran something akin to a Pontiac Solstice. Clemens was firing passes left and right, and Demetrius Williams had stepped cleanly into the role of his go-to-guy. Day and Daunte Rosario combined to make an excellent combo over the middle, and Whitehead was looking to make a run at all-conference as a junior.
Defensively, Pelini was faced with his toughest test yet, as he had to replace seven starters from the 14th rated unit in 2003. Devan Long was looking to come out strong for his senior campaign, and star freshman Jackie Bates looked to secure a starting spot in a secondary decimated by graduation. Expectations were high, with the Ducks rated 12th by some rankings to open the 2004 journey.
January 6th, 2005: Well, it happened. The Ducks not only got to the 2005 Rose Bowl, they won, breaking an 80 year long drought in Pasedena. Whitehead cemented his status as a conference demon by going for 126 yards on 22 carries, and Clemens, while not flashy, ended with a QB rating of 123.5 to earn the MVP honors.
Before the game, it was announced that Bo Pelini would be replacing Buddy Teevens as the head coach of Stanford University. Pelini's defense went out with a bang in the Rose Bowl, holding the potent Michigan Wolverines to 186 total yards, and forcing 3 turnovers. Middle Linebacker Kevin Mitchell was named defensive MVP with 12 tackles, including 2.5 TFL. To replace Pelini, Tedford revisited the Oregon past, hiring California's linebacker coach Justin Wilcox, a former duck, to run the defense.
Now it's your turn: Continue the timeline! Just make sure to keep it on the edge of plausible! Or, let this dissolve into random babble like most of the threads on here. Some questions, among others, that should be answered by the general public: How is tOSU doing under coach Bellotti? Did Robo Duck ever show his ugly head? Did Nike invent the super-knee so that when Dixon went down in '07, he only missed one series? Have Fun!