Pac-10 Expansion

There has been quite a bit of discussion regarding the possible expansion of the Pac-10 conference, it’s future, the revenue it could generate, and the schools that would fit best with our conference.  While many good points have been raised there are a number of issues yet to be discussed and it’s time for us to take a serious look at the potential schools and why they may or may not fit into the Pac-10.

First we need to look at our conference, top to bottom, and really understand what we have and who we are before we consider our options for expansion.

The Oregon Ducks

What is there to say?  Ducks are native to our region, they look badass, and they score a lot of points.  Puddles is the greatest Duck of them all and he can take out mascots twice his weight.

The Oregon State Beavers

Sure, we love to hate the beavers, and for good reason, but they did get one thing right.  The beaver is a wet and wild animal with bad teeth, like many of his football team’s fans.  A native to our state and much more interesting than a cat or tiger.  They may fail it on the football field but at least they picked a good animal.

The Washington Huskies

Well, they aren’t really fierce or scary and it’s hard to picture wild huskies roaming the fierce arctic north of Seattle Washington.  Still, Huskies rhymes with Fuskies and that cannot be over rated (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap).  The mascot is much like their team; he might bare his teeth at you but really he just wants his ears scratched, don’t worry, he’s all bark and no bite.

The Washington State Cougars

One step above "wildcats", the Cougs make the finals in the Cliché Mascot Awards.  Most cougars in Pullman are domesticated, much like their football team.  We could compare them to a high school football team or suggest that their mascot is in fact the most physically imposing person they put on the field.  But we won’t do that because they suck and after a point you almost feel sorry for them.  Almost.

The Arizona Wildcats

This is where the Pac-10 suffers their biggest blow, hosting a team with a name so common even 6-year-old kids in PeeWee football would turn it down.  The story goes that they selected the wildcat as their mascot because the local costume emporium was overloaded with slightly-used cat-like Halloween costumes and their mascot was purchased at a massive discount.  While we could do much better the Wildcats meet our NCAA obligation to host one team with "cat" somewhere in the name.

The Arizona State Sun Devils

The Sun Devils are an odd team to judge; on one hand they have an original mascot that sort of fits with their state (the Boring What The Hell Is There To Do In Arizona Devils would have been more appropriate), on the other hand he looks like the kind of guy who parks outside a middle school in a windowless van.  His almost-Nazi mustache and pedophile grin would be a turn off if anybody outside of Arizona actually watched Sun Devils football games.

The California Golden Bears

This team was actually named in the back seat of a car by a 7-year-old doing MadLibs.  Name a state, a color, and an animal.  Congrats, you just named 90% of the peewee football teams in America.   While bears are scary and dangerous their mascot is to bears as grape soda is to actual grapes.

The UCLA Bruins

Okay, what is a bruin?  Isn’t that the capitol of Germany?  Oh, it’s another bear?  Wow, how original, you’re just like Cal, only nobody even knows your mascot should be scary.  Honestly, I don’t think they were even trying.  At least they picked an animal, sort of.

The USC Trojans

Condom jokes aside, the Trojans have stepped outside the animal kingdom to select a fitting mascot.  The gleaming golden armor (complete with nippled breastplate), plumed helm, shining sword; it screams "We think we’re so much better than you that we’re going to blow a game to a terrible team."  While they don’t win any points for ruining our more-or-less animal themed conference at least they gain points for showing everyone what huge arrogant pricks they are.

The Stanford Cardinal
 
Congrats to the Furd, you win the "WTF, I thought smart people didn’t smoke crack" award.  It’s like the emperor’s new clothes, except instead of the emperor there’s a nightmarish Dr. Seuss character parading around devouring the souls of small children.  It baffles the mind, offends the senses, and you have to wonder if perhaps that mascot is a big practical joke that nobody ever got.

After looking through our conference it’s obvious that we set a high standard.  Some schools are like the only guy in the whole neighborhood who refuses to put up Christmas lights but all in all the Pac-10 is distinct with a clear identity and a lot of pot class.

While we look at the primary contenders to join our elite ranks it’s important to judge them on what’s really important.  Not academic standards, financial gains, or competitive athletics, but a much more crucial issue: their mascots.  Can you really picture a stoned tree or a motorcycle-riding Duck brawling with a gun-toting cowboy or walking acorn?  Of course not, that’s absurd.  Now we look at the potential candidates and what they have to offer the future Pac-12.
               
The Utah Utes

What was that word?  Two what?  Two Utes?  What is a Ute?
While Utah is a popular suggestion for their proximity to the west coast and their competitive football team it simply is not meant to be.  Their lack of a mascot and nonsensical name do not meet our high standards.  Even Joe Pesci couldn’t make a school like Utah fit into the Pac-12.

The Boise State Broncos

Fuck Boise State.

The Brigham Young Cougars

Many points have been raised about their refusal to play on Sundays and the fit in the conference, but the reason to veto BYU is very simple.  You are only allowed one Cougar at a time, any more than that and the hot flashes and mood swings will become unbearable.  Wazzu may suck but damnit, they’re OUR cougars.

The UNLV Rebels

The Pac-12 will not draft the ‘stache.

The Ole Miss Rebels

Yes, that’s Admiral Ackbar!
The leader of the Rebel forces may not be a perfect fit, but adding him would cause a tidal change to sweep through the Pac-12.  Not only would the Fighting Ackbar’s be a dangerous force, the newly named Stanford Colbert’s and Washington State Lebowski’s would keep the Pac-12 on the cutting edge and make us the most popular conference among stoned teenagers.
               
The San Diego State Aztecs

At first glance SDSU looks like a great fit, but it would never work.  In the Pac-10 a guy with no pants and feathers in his hair isn’t a mascot, he’s just another dude in the stands.

The Colorado Buffaloes
 
Colorado is a very interesting choice.  While their mascot is not unique to the west it is an animal and makes far more sense than a walking tree or another stupid bear.  However, bringing them in would risk a mascot-escalation race as no Pac-10 team fields a live mascot.  While this is a concern, it should be remembered that motorcycles > buffaloes.

The Nevada Wolf Pack

Surprisingly, Nevada would make a great addition to the Pac-10.  Their crazy wolf would fit in well with our mascot zoo and the Pac-12 needs a canine to compete with the Fuskies.  They may be a sleeper now but expect them to fly up the draft board as we move closer to E-Day.

The Texas Longhorns

Ah, mighty Texas.  They’re Pacific like "I can’t believe it’s not butter" is butter.  They’re half way across the country, have absolutely nothing in common with the Pac-10 or it’s schools, and bringing them in would turn our future Pac-12 TV station into a 24-hour Vince Young love fest.  Yet the pairing is perfect.  We have dogs, waterfowl, cats, and bears but we lack one thing: a bigass bull.  A gigantic steer would bring prestige and strength to our conference while leaving massive piles on opposing teams fields.  It’s win-win.

Ultimately the Pac-10 is expanding to add size and bulk, making Texas and Colorado ideal choices, yet the ferocity of Nevada would also be helpful in balancing out the ineptitude of Furd and the general suckage of several other teams.  We must be careful not to upset the balance of the Pac-12 by bringing in space aliens or more bears, as this could shift the balance of the entire conference (see: Ole Miss).

Modern college athletics are judged by the might of their mascots, the flash of their uniforms, and the media savvy of their PR departments.  Anyone can win on the field (except the ACC) but crafting a winning conference requires a collection of strong and frightening animals.  While the Pac-10 is strong and remains competitive it will never be a top-tier athletic conference so long as opposing teams have no fear of maiming during pre-game introductions.