by: John Canzano, The Oregonian

March 7, 2010

Let me start off this article by saying that it is a blessing for the faithful readers of the Oregonian to be reading this article today. The Bald Faced Truth planned on being at his parents house today, in an attempt to persuade his parents to start believing in him. By God, I've written enough for you people, so much that I have a FREAKING SPORTSWRITER OF THE YEAR TROPHY! Anyway, I guess I'll crank out this piece for you guys.

Chip Kelly, the Tony Soprano to the Soprano Crime Family that is the Oregon Duck football team (GO BEAVERS! Heh! Oops!), has once again proven that he has lost all control of these hardcore thug characters that are a part of the team. In what can be described only as a disgusting insult to what is good and decent in today's society, Josh Kaddu, an absolutely despicable young man, has been cited for being a MINOR in possession of ALCOHOL.

Take a moment to think about that.

A minor, in possession of ALCOHOL? This can only be compared to society's most heinous crimes, such as capital murder, strangulation, stealing laptops, and posting mean things on Facebook. Is this a telling sign of the lack of institutional control down in Eugene? You bet my bald face it is.

After this string of unacceptable and irrefutably ignominious actions, there is no excuse not to have Chip Kelly following these hardcore criminals around every corner. Forget a Super Nanny (read my awesome column after our favorite Facebook fiend, Jamere Holland's, expulsion from the team to understand this super-awesome reference), we need a Super Kelly!

As great as this proposition would be in terms of keeping these felonious children in line, let's be realistic, it's not happenin'! Kelly is too concerned with keeping his inventory of cocaine-dealing prostitutes, child laborers, and baby killers doing their jobs. That leads me to ask, what is the solution?

There is one solution, and one solution only, and that is discontinuing the Oregon Duck football program. Chip Kelly and his band lunatics are causing danger and disruption in the fair little town of Eugene, so let's disband the program, ship all the kids off to Compton, the Marcy Projects, and South-Central, and live happily ever after.

A bit harsh? So was Chip when we chatted on the phone, so why not return the favor? Yeah, I'm a professional and ethical journalist like that! (SUCK IT CAUSE I WAS SPORTSWRITER OF THE YEAR LAST YEAR!).

Thanks for reading, and Go Beavers!