Tako Tuesdays: The Bowels of the Internet, Vol. 1
by Takimoto on Apr 13, 2010 1:46 AM PDT
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PrintDisclaimer: This week's Tako Tuesday contains profanity. Lots of profanity. Profanity, and NSFW media. I tried to avoid it, but there really was no way around it. This week's topic literally made me curse uncontrollably. Full story after the jump.
Last week, Matt Daddy and I had a conversation. It went roughly like this:
Matt Daddy: Dude, this should be a Tako Tuesday. [LINK TO VIDEO]
Takimoto: ...you're an asshole. This is the worst thing ever, and now I'm gonna have to watch it ninety times and write a Tako Tuesday about it.
Matt Daddy: It's just so bad it can't go unnoticed.
\Takimoto: This is gonna end up being an 8MM-type situation where I dive too deep into David Hasselhoff music videos and end up growing a jungle of chest hair and moving to Germany, isn't it?
Matt Daddy: Yep.
Takimoto: Damnit.
/fin
So, throwing caution to the wind, I get all up in the bowels of the Internet, with David Hasselhoff's "Hooked on a Feeling".
I'm gonna be doing this running commentary style. I thought about doing it podcast-style, commenting in real time, but I just didn't care enough. A Tako Tuesdays podcast is inevitable, but I'm not breaking new ground with David fucking Hasselhoff.
To start, let's take a look at this opening shot of what I'm calling "The Clusterfuck Video Cube". Currently showing on the cube are four different videos:
1.An eskimo on a sled. More on him later.
2.A disco dancing bear.
3.The Hoff on safari, jumping up and down.
4. A dachshund on the beach.
I like what the Hoff has done here. He's set up the premise of the video, the premise being that we're going to have no idea what the fuck is going on the whole time.
:07 - Leading with something that had to do with the Clusterfuck Video Cube would make too much sense, so we are instead introduced to the first character in this tragedy: Disheveled Tuxedo Hasselhoff. He's debonair, he can float above a conga line, and his shirt is missing buttons. After only two lines, we leave our rugged crooner and cut to the Eskimo on a sled. But HOLY SHIT! The ESKIMO is HASSELHOFF! This is like the hotel room scene from Fight Club, but way lamer. Not only that, but Eskimo Hasselhoff can surf down a steep mountain face on a toboggan while standing up. That's pretty damn awesome.
:25 - TANGENT
Hasselhoff's eyes are staring into my soul. That is all.
END TANGENT
:30 - Did anyone else just see that demon jump out of the tower of champagne glasses? Jesus that was frightening.
...and now Hasselhoff's on safari. How did we get here?
Swanky dinner party + arctic extreme sports = Safari. It's pretty simple math.
:40 - If you can only remember one thing from this video, remember this.
Safari Hasselhoff is in what looks like the alligator enclosure at a zoo in Trenton, New Jersey. He is flanked by a pair of dachshunds, raising the question as to where the second dachshund came from. Is it a clone? Is it a second individual animal? Let's watch on to find out. Also, a pair of angels are floating down from above the trees. I think I can speak for everyone when I say HUH? We then cut away to a white man who may or may not be Hasselhoff jumping with an African tribesman. The confusing part is, Safari Hasselhoff is in the foreground. So who is that guy in the blue shirt? Is it also Hasselhoff?
:52 - Disheveled Tuxedo Hasselhoff (DTH) is now on what looks like a train in the mountains of Alaska, and he's HOLDING THE CLUSTERFUCK VIDEO CUBE! The DTH is a sorcerer! He's a conjurer of magical media devices, and not only that...
He can clone them! Jesus, is there anything he can't do? As a wizard, he has no need to keep his twin entertainment centers around. He can just make new ones out of nothing. So he hurls them, again using wizard magic, at a flock of geese and a new character that I'm going to call Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff. Clearly DTH sees Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff as a threat. I know if I was a magical being, the only thing that could scare me would be someone who could defy the laws of physics and fly without wings, which Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff can clearly do.
1:20 - Christmas come early, awesome collage shot 2 is here! Still have two angels, this time backing up Hasselhoff, the Disheveled Tuxedo Sorcerer. But only one dog. What the hell happened to the other dog? Why is no one concerned?!? THERE IS A DOG MISSING!
1:26 - OK, a theme has emerged here. This video has something to do with Alaska. There's an eskimo, and multiple shots of iciness. So we've got that. But what does it mean? Hopefully, all our questions will be answered.
1:41 - Were you wondering why Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff was called Trenchcoat BIKER Hasselhoff? Here's why! The motherfucker is riding a motorcycle standing up! I mean, the coordination it takes to ride a motorHOLY FUCKING BALLS, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?!
I don't know if it's an owl-man or Barf from Spaceballs during Day 5 of a cocaine bender, but fuck that thing is scary. Let's just move on and pretend that didn't happen.
1:55 - Okay we already know Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff can fly. But did he have to just let go of a runaway motorcycle? I'm amazed that he's supernatural, but frankly, he's putting lives at risk.
2:09 - After Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff does a couple front flips, it's DANCE BREAKDOWN TIME! First, it's Eskimo Hasselhoff with his patented "Drunk Guy Standing on an Exercise Ball" dance, followed by Disheveled Tuxedo Sorcerer Hasselhoff doing some sort of mutant cross between the Guido Fist Pump, the Dice, and the Thizzle Dance.
2:15 - Safari Hasselhoff sucks. He doesn't do anything but hold a spear and what looks like a human leg bone, and occasionally jump around. Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff, recognizing this, flies in to pick up the slack. Just look at TBH's face here. He's pissed.
UPDATES:
Disheveled Tuxedo Sorcerer Hasselhoff - still at this party, extracting souls from the living and altering God's will with his mind.
Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff - still flying, but for some reason can't lift his motorcycle off the ground.
Angels - still here, still make no god damn sense.
Safari Hasselhoff - still sucks ass. I'm shocked the Sorcerer hasn't burned him with eye lasers or something.
Dachshunds - nowhere to be found. And frankly, I think they're in a better place. The high-risk lifestyles these Hasselhoffs lead isn't a good environment for a pet.
3:05 - Someone just threw Eskimo Hasselhoff a fish! Isn't that something! Now he's chewing on the fish and dancing, and Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff is dancing and riding his motorcycle. This is actually a pretty good way to end thisOH MY FUCKING JESUS IT'S THE OWL DEMON AGAIN! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING? GOD DAMNIT, THIS FUCKING THING WILL HAUNT MY DREAMS FOR YEARS! JUST LOOK AT IT!
Who decided this was a good idea? He looks like The Clown from Spawn's retarded cousin. Some other shit happens at the end of the video, but I'm honestly too shaken to really focus on it. I hate you Matt Daddy.
Youtube Master Cleanse
If you didn't catch the premiere of Tremé Sunday night on HBO, it's highly recommended viewing. It's from the creators of The Wire, arguably the greatest HBO series of all time, and takes a look at New Orleans three months after Hurricane Katrina. It's especially recommended for the musically inclined, as it features the best of New Orleans musical tradition, including the Rebirth Brass Band, and trumpet player Kermit Ruffins, one of the modern legends of New Orleans jazz. So listen to the sweet sounds of New Orleans, and get that other crap out of your brain forever.
KEG STICKERS!
Tako Tuesdays is generally a place that lacks the serious. But I've been truly honored to witness the outpouring of support for the Flude family. A blog can be the most inane of journalistic media, where someone writes about nothing in particular for an audience of no one in particular. But this place, this place is a community. I'm proud of this community for thriving on humor, generosity, and mutual love for the human spirit. I'm proud of this community for jumping into action when this idea presented itself. Keg Stickers go out this week to Gorby, Mrs. Gorby, and Lil' Gorby the Miracle Wolf, as well as axemen23, qrsouther, Dave, Matt Daddy, and scudderfan for their work and contributions to letting this idea flourish.
Matt Daddy - 5
Bill Musgrave - 4
Gorbachav5 - 4
JonathanPDX - 3
Addicted to Quack - 3
JShufelt - 2
Takimoto - 2
axemen23 - 2
ntrebon - 1
echo31 - 1
CaDuck - 1
trumpetduck - 1
HoodRiverDuck - 1
QuackinAK - 1
jtlight - 1
benzduck - 1
qrsouther - 1
AllSaintsDay - 1
scudderfan - 1
Mrs. Gorby - 1
MiracleWolf - 1
This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of SB Nation or the Addicted To Quack Moderators. FanPost opinions are valued expressions of opinion by passionate and knowledgeable Oregon fans.
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I dont know who he is
but the inventor of the green screen was just forced to become a zombie ghost roaming the earth for the sweet joys of death. Then Hasselholf came out of no where and stabbed him with a daemon blade and sent him to hell. Poor guy.
"The code word for going on two might be, you know, "Mickelson,’’ because he always comes in second – stuff like that.'’
The cleanse at the end was really nice, thank you.
As for the Hoff, he makes my pantheon of worst videos of all time, joining Carl Lewis and “Break it Up” as well as the Los Angeles Rams with their superbowl-shufflesque “Ram It”.
When I think back on the day that Matt Daddy overtook the keg sticker lead, I will recall the great Gorby family with fondness, though now forever and unfortunately linked to Hoff standing on a motorcycle. I will think to myself “Ooga Chaka”, and then die peacefully with a smile on my face. Mitch Platt’s hair will carry my casket to the grave.
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
-Mahatma Gandhi, channeling Chip Kelly
Best. Video. Ever.
4.4 Million views don’t lie
Most inexplicably NOT Clark Kellogg?
Addicted to Quack
Your forgot to mention the Skiing!
Skiing and Eskimos clearly go together.
"No one ever rises to low expectations." - Chip Kelly Head Coach at the Univ. of Oregon.
by SouthOfTheBorderDuck on Apr 13, 2010 7:35 AM PDT reply actions
I think that
the homoeroticism on ATQ has manifested itself into Visual Form. Quick, to the panic room!!!
I can haz footbawl?
I think it's the Lazytown version of Hasselhoff
which moves us officially into the realm of pedophilia rather than homoeroticism.
That show creep anyone else out as much as it does me?
by HoodRiverDuck on Apr 13, 2010 10:15 AM PDT up reply actions
Exactly.
Exactly.
Have you seen this show? I suspect most parents on ATQ, and maybe the Nickelodeon demographic (COUGH*AXEMEN*COUGH) have seen this show a time or two.
It’s the creepiest kids’ show I can imagine. Most of the characters are these fat plastic full-size puppets, kinda like the weird thing in the Hasselhoff video.
Then there’s this musclebound mustachioed superhero (Sportacus) and this prepubescent gymnast type (Stephanie) who are promoting exercise and a healthy diet to the fat plastic people. Which usually involves highly suggestive interactive dance/aerobics sequences like the one above.
Lastly, there’s a half plastic half human badguy (Robbie Rotten) that tries to sell them all candy and doughnuts. Surprisingly, he does not own a van. That we know of.
Lazytown is the weirdest thing on TV I can imagine.
by HoodRiverDuck on Apr 13, 2010 11:07 AM PDT up reply actions
Who the hell said Lazytown was hot?
It’s flippin repulsive.
My five-year-old watches iCarly. That chick makes me want to vomit.
by HoodRiverDuck on Apr 13, 2010 12:35 PM PDT up reply actions
here are some things I've learned from it's Wiki page that make me want to vomit
produced in Iceland
The show has been highly successful, airing in over 100 countries in more than a dozen languages.
Mayor Milford Meanswell, enlists the help of Sportacus 10 (Magnús Scheving), a self-described “slightly-above-average hero”. It is Sportacus’ job to inspire the kids to play outside, and to help solve low-key emergencies that occur from time to time. However, all this does not sit well with Robbie Rotten (Stefán Karl Stefánsson), a lazy man who lives in an underground lair hidden just on the edge of town.
The budget for each episode was approximately USD $1,000,000
LazyTown received two Daytime Emmy nominations
I can haz footbawl?
In terms of Miranda Cosgrove
she may be fugly, but she’s not nearly as repulsive as Sportacus, and besides at least she’s a true “child-actor” (17 in may) as opposed to the 20 year olds trying to play high schoolers.
I can haz footbawl?
I don't think she's ugly.
But like all Nickolodeon shows, 90% of it (and 100% of the ‘humor’) involves someone SCREAMING IN A VERY LOUD VOICE. The other 10%, of course, is food being spilled on someone’s head.
by HoodRiverDuck on Apr 13, 2010 1:01 PM PDT up reply actions
No wonder she got acne so bad.
Love the minidress though. I feel dirty.
by HoodRiverDuck on Apr 13, 2010 1:20 PM PDT up reply actions
the dude on the left (I can't remember his name)
looks like he’s picking out his targets for when he cruises LA in his unmarked white van late that night
I can haz footbawl?
This will explain everything:
(Warning, this video is vulgar, NSFW, but really damn funny)
by JonathanPDX on Apr 13, 2010 1:09 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
OMG I figured it out
That picture is the UWdawgpound logo shaved with the ears lowered. Hasselhoff loves the HUSKIES!!! Somebody needs to photoshop the W onto that demon’s sweatshirt. It all makes sense now.
Most inexplicably NOT Clark Kellogg?
Addicted to Quack
its spelled "S-H-U-F-E-L-T-O-B-L-I-G-A-T-E-D-T-O-D-O-I-T"
by JShufelt on Apr 13, 2010 11:01 AM PDT up reply actions 12 recs
Win.
They call him Rags. Where he goes, no-hitters follow.
Addicted to Quack, the home of Tako Tuesdays
Thank you!!!!
Joke Locker loves David Hasselhoff
Most inexplicably NOT Clark Kellogg?
Addicted to Quack
Ho does this not have 30 rec's
"The code word for going on two might be, you know, "Mickelson,’’ because he always comes in second – stuff like that.'’
That was really wierd
It is definitely Alaska though, and the final scene where he fades out is shot from Earthquake Park overlooking downtown Anchorage. The train scenes are shot somewhere near Denali National Park, and the Glacier shots are probably Glacier Bay, though there are literally thousands of glaciers in Alaska. It appears to me that these are shots from somebody’s home video that they took while on their Princess Cruise Line tour of Alaska. For the record I have no flipping idea what the hell that thing was supposed to be.
With how strange this video is I am surprised they didn’t include such sights as the giant 4 story Igloo near Talkeetna, or Skinny Dick’s Halfway Inn (a real place by the way). The real mystery is why they included the shots of Africa but when it is all said and done, I think this is really somebody’s way of writing their trip to Alaska off on their taxes. How did that conversation go, “Dude, I need a really big favor I spent way to much money on my honeymoon, but I have a great idea for a music video!”
Say what you mean, and say it mean. - Clint Ruin
We then cut away to a white man who may or may not be Hasselhoff jumping with an African tribesman. The confusing part is, Safari Hasselhoff is in the foreground. So who is that guy in the blue shirt? Is it also Hasselhoff?
My theory is that not only was that Hasselhoff, but it’s the only real video from this abomination. It’s like his home footage from a trip to Africa, which he apparently decided would be awesome to throw in here. I don’t know if this is a good or a bad thing.
--AddictedToQuack, SBNation's Oregon Ducks blog
I’m still shocked this ever got made… and then it got some how released to the public. This would be more embarrassing than a home made sex tape getting released to the public.
its spelled "S-H-U-F-E-L-T-O-B-L-I-G-A-T-E-D-T-O-D-O-I-T"
BTW, if convincing Tako to make this Tako Tuesdays isn’t reason enough to Fire Matt Daddy, I don’t know what is.
Most inexplicably NOT Clark Kellogg?
Addicted to Quack
I think this is just proof that Tako's out of ideas
Prove me wrong O Grand Master!
I can haz footbawl?
Just so you're all aware
In case the police wind up asking, it was at the 1:06 mark that I first contemplated using the nuclear device.
See you all on the other side…
Defending maligned chants since 2009
Ok. My friend has bet me 100 dollars that I can't listen to this songs for 8 hours straight.
I think I can do it.
Only losing THREE starters from the USC game. (Offense and Defense)
Ladies and Gentlemen your 2010-11 Oregon Ducks.
Oregon-Frontrunners for the 2010 Fulmer Cup
by QuackQuackAttack on Apr 21, 2010 7:07 PM PDT reply actions
At the end, you will look like the fried egg eye guy.
But you will be $100 richer.
I am not Bill Bufton.
by Bill Musgrave on Apr 21, 2010 7:27 PM PDT up reply actions
He never specified how loud eh...
It would be tough, but you could do it.
Self-anointed President of the Kenjon Barner fan club.
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