FanPost

Tako Tuesdays: The Bowels of the Internet, Vol. 1

Disclaimer: This week's Tako Tuesday contains profanity.  Lots of profanity.  Profanity, and NSFW media.  I tried to avoid it, but there really was no way around it.  This week's topic literally made me curse uncontrollably.  Full story after the jump.

Last week, Matt Daddy and I had a conversation.  It went roughly like this:

Matt Daddy: Dude, this should be a Tako Tuesday.  [LINK TO VIDEO]

Takimoto: ...you're an asshole.  This is the worst thing ever, and now I'm gonna have to watch it ninety times and write a Tako Tuesday about it.

Matt Daddy: It's just so bad it can't go unnoticed.

\Takimoto: This is gonna end up being an 8MM-type situation where I dive too deep into David Hasselhoff music videos and end up growing a jungle of chest hair and moving to Germany, isn't it?

Matt Daddy: Yep.

Takimoto: Damnit.

/fin

So, throwing caution to the wind, I get all up in the bowels of the Internet, with David Hasselhoff's "Hooked on a Feeling". 

I'm gonna be doing this running commentary style.  I thought about doing it podcast-style, commenting in real time, but I just didn't care enough.  A Tako Tuesdays podcast is inevitable, but I'm not breaking new ground with David fucking Hasselhoff.

To start, let's take a look at this opening shot of what I'm calling "The Clusterfuck Video Cube".  Currently showing on the cube are four different videos:

 

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1.An eskimo on a sled.  More on him later.

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2.A disco dancing bear.

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3.The Hoff on safari, jumping up and down.

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4. A dachshund on the beach.

 

I like what the Hoff has done here.  He's set up the premise of the video, the premise being that we're going to have no idea what the fuck is going on the whole time. 

:07 - Leading with something that had to do with the Clusterfuck Video Cube would make too much sense, so we are instead introduced to the first character in this tragedy: Disheveled Tuxedo Hasselhoff.  He's debonair, he can float above a conga line, and his shirt is missing buttons.  After only two lines, we leave our rugged crooner and cut to the Eskimo on a sled.  But HOLY SHIT!  The ESKIMO is HASSELHOFF!  This is like the hotel room scene from Fight Club, but way lamer.  Not only that, but Eskimo Hasselhoff can surf down a steep mountain face on a toboggan while standing up.  That's pretty damn awesome.

:25 - TANGENT

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Hasselhoff's eyes are staring into my soul.  That is all.

END TANGENT

 

:30 - Did anyone else just see that demon jump out of the tower of champagne glasses?  Jesus that was frightening.

...and now Hasselhoff's on safari.  How did we get here?

Swanky dinner party + arctic extreme sports = Safari.  It's pretty simple math.

:40 - If you can only remember one thing from this video, remember this.

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Safari Hasselhoff is in what looks like the alligator enclosure at a zoo in Trenton, New Jersey.  He is flanked by a pair of dachshunds, raising the question as to where the second dachshund came from.  Is it a clone?  Is it a second individual animal?  Let's watch on to find out.  Also, a pair of angels are floating down from above the trees.  I think I can speak for everyone when I say HUH?  We then cut away to a white man who may or may not be Hasselhoff jumping with an African tribesman.  The confusing part is, Safari Hasselhoff is in the foreground.  So who is that guy in the blue shirt?  Is it also Hasselhoff?

:52 - Disheveled Tuxedo Hasselhoff (DTH) is now on what looks like a train in the mountains of Alaska, and he's HOLDING THE CLUSTERFUCK VIDEO CUBE!  The DTH is a sorcerer!  He's a conjurer of magical media devices, and not only that...

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He can clone them!  Jesus, is there anything he can't do?  As a wizard, he has no need to keep his twin entertainment centers around.  He can just make new ones out of nothing.  So he hurls them, again using wizard magic, at a flock of geese and a new character that I'm going to call Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff.  Clearly DTH sees Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff as a threat.  I know if I was a magical being, the only thing that could scare me would be someone who could defy the laws of physics and fly without wings, which Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff can clearly do.

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1:20 - Christmas come early, awesome collage shot 2 is here!  Still have two angels, this time backing up Hasselhoff, the Disheveled Tuxedo Sorcerer.  But only one dog.  What the hell happened to the other dog?  Why is no one concerned?!?  THERE IS A DOG MISSING!

1:26 - OK, a theme has emerged here.  This video has something to do with Alaska.  There's an eskimo, and multiple shots of iciness.  So we've got that.  But what does it mean?  Hopefully, all our questions will be answered. 

1:41 - Were you wondering why Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff was called Trenchcoat BIKER Hasselhoff?  Here's why!  The motherfucker is riding a motorcycle standing up!  I mean, the coordination it takes to ride a motorHOLY FUCKING BALLS, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?!

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I don't know if it's an owl-man or Barf from Spaceballs during Day 5 of a cocaine bender, but fuck that thing is scary.  Let's just move on and pretend that didn't happen.

1:55 - Okay we already know Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff can fly.  But did he have to just let go of a runaway motorcycle?  I'm amazed that he's supernatural, but frankly, he's putting lives at risk.

2:09 - After Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff does a couple front flips, it's DANCE BREAKDOWN TIME!  First, it's Eskimo Hasselhoff with his patented "Drunk Guy Standing on an Exercise Ball" dance, followed by Disheveled Tuxedo Sorcerer Hasselhoff doing some sort of mutant cross between the Guido Fist Pump, the Dice, and the Thizzle Dance

2:15 - Safari Hasselhoff sucks.  He doesn't do anything but hold a spear and what looks like a human leg bone, and occasionally jump around.  Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff, recognizing this, flies in to pick up the slack.  Just look at TBH's face here.  He's pissed.

UPDATES:

Disheveled Tuxedo Sorcerer Hasselhoff - still at this party, extracting souls from the living and altering God's will with his mind.

Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff - still flying, but for some reason can't lift his motorcycle off the ground.

Angels - still here, still make no god damn sense.

Safari Hasselhoff - still sucks ass.  I'm shocked the Sorcerer hasn't burned him with eye lasers or something.

Dachshunds - nowhere to be found.  And frankly, I think they're in a better place.  The high-risk lifestyles these Hasselhoffs lead isn't a good environment for a pet.

3:05 - Someone just threw Eskimo Hasselhoff a fish!  Isn't that something!  Now he's chewing on the fish and dancing, and Trenchcoat Biker Hasselhoff is dancing and riding his motorcycle.  This is actually a pretty good way to end thisOH MY FUCKING JESUS IT'S THE OWL DEMON AGAIN!  WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING?  GOD DAMNIT, THIS FUCKING THING WILL HAUNT MY DREAMS FOR YEARS!  JUST LOOK AT IT!

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Who decided this was a good idea?  He looks like The Clown from Spawn's retarded cousin. Some other shit happens at the end of the video, but I'm honestly too shaken to really focus on it.  I hate you Matt Daddy. 

 

 

Youtube Master Cleanse

If you didn't catch the premiere of Tremé Sunday night on HBO, it's highly recommended viewing.  It's from the creators of The Wire, arguably the greatest HBO series of all time, and takes a look at New Orleans three months after Hurricane Katrina.  It's especially recommended for the musically inclined, as it features the best of New Orleans musical tradition, including the Rebirth Brass Band, and trumpet player Kermit Ruffins, one of the modern legends of New Orleans jazz. So listen to the sweet sounds of New Orleans, and get that other crap out of your brain forever.

 

KEG STICKERS!

Tako Tuesdays is generally a place that lacks the serious.  But I've been truly honored to witness the outpouring of support for the Flude family.  A blog can be the most inane of journalistic media, where someone writes about nothing in particular for an audience of no one in particular.  But this place, this place is a community.  I'm proud of this community for thriving on humor, generosity, and mutual love for the human spirit.  I'm proud of this community for jumping into action when this idea presented itself.  Keg Stickers go out this week to Gorby, Mrs. Gorby, and Lil' Gorby the Miracle Wolf, as well as axemen23, qrsouther, Dave, Matt Daddy, and scudderfan for their work and contributions to letting this idea flourish. 

Matt Daddy - 5
Bill Musgrave - 4
Gorbachav5 - 4
JonathanPDX - 3
Addicted to Quack - 3
JShufelt - 2
Takimoto - 2
axemen23 - 2
ntrebon - 1
echo31 - 1
CaDuck - 1
trumpetduck - 1
HoodRiverDuck - 1
QuackinAK - 1
jtlight - 1
benzduck - 1
qrsouther - 1
AllSaintsDay - 1
scudderfan - 1
Mrs. Gorby - 1
MiracleWolf - 1

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of SB Nation or the Addicted To Quack Moderators. FanPost opinions are valued expressions of opinion by passionate and knowledgeable Oregon fans.

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