As a community of voracious Oregon Duck fans, we have been speculating for weeks upon weeks on who will be the next head coach of the Oregon Ducks men's basketball program after the program cut its ties with longtime coach Ernie Kent. The Athletic Department has made it apparent that it is willing to throw out plenty of money at big name coaches that are proven winners. Names that have been thrown out include Brad Stevens, the head coach of the Butler Bulldogs that led a Horizon League team to the National Championship game just a couple weeks ago, Tubby Smith, the longtime coach of Kentucky that won a championship in 1998, and Mark Few, the head coach of the original mid-major powerhouse, the Gonzaga Bulldogs. These coaches, amongst many others, have turned down the job. It isn't easy to find a new head coach, a fact that the recent coaching search has proven. However, there still are a few more coaches that are certainly worth going after.
So, who should we go after? The potential answers follow.
CANDIDATE #1: Tom Emanski
Despite the fact that Ernie Kent did have quite a bit of success, including 2 Elite Eight runs and 5 trips to the NCAA tournament, one of his main flaws was his inability to teach his players about the fundamental aspects of the game. Well, if we want fundamentals, the perfect coach to go after is quite obviously Tom Emanski. What's that you say, he only teaches the fundamentals of baseball? Who cares? He's Tom Effing Emanski. He'll teach the fundamentals and surely lead Oregon back to its past glory.
CANDIDATE #2: Epic Beard Man
Well, if we can't have the fundamentals, I think that we can all agree on a coach such as Epic Beard Man. What he may lack in simple knowledge of the game of basketball, he makes up in being a master motivator. Imagine the type of pregame speeches that he could deliver. Would you dream of making a foul-up on the court if you had Epic Beard Man waiting to correct or punish you on the bench? I'd venture to say, um, NO. The Amberlamps would probably be needed after a punishment courtesy of EBM.
CANDIDATE #3: Zombie Earl Woods
Well, if we can't have success on the court, let's stay out of trouble off of it. Surely Zombie Earl Woods will prevent Chip Kelly from losing control of the Duck Basketball Program by "being inquisitive" about the players' conduct off the court. By instilling these off-the-court values into our players, we will surely have more success on the court. Right, 1980's era Miami Football Teams?
CANDIDATE #4: James Naismith
First of all, the value of having Naismith of our coach is enough simply because we would be using peach baskets in the hoops at the new arena, not to mention using a basketball such as the one in the picture above. Wouldn't it be beautiful with a yellow and green swoosh on it? If anyone can win a title with a starting 5 of Armstead, Singler, Longmire, Dunigan, and Sim, by God, that man is James Naismith. Maybe we can ignore the fact that he's Canadian.
CANDIDATE #5: John Wall's Forearm
Flair isn't such a bad thing. Why not bring the most prestigious forearm EVER in college basketball to Eugene to coach? We could get SO many recruits, drawn by the "sexiness" of Wall's forearm. There's so much basketball prowess in that forearm, why not attract it to Matt Knight Arena instead of the NBA. Let's not forget that anything from the SEC is inherently better than anything in the Pac-10. That's reason enough.
Alright, Uncle Phil. The possibilities for the coaches that you could bring to the program are there. Bust out that Nike wallet and bring one to Eugene. The program and fans will thank you. Good night, and Go Ducks.
(In Other Words: Don't hire Matt Daddy, Tako, or axemen! Lil' Gorby is the honorary 6th candidate)
(Wait, axemen can coach as long as axemilf comes too.)