Tako Tuesdays: VOTE FOR CHANGE!

I’m starting a new segment called “Funny Stuff Dave Wrote A Couple Years Ago”. This gem comes from a story entitled “UO Lands Kamyron Brown”

While its great to see such a high level recruit commit to Oregon, Ernie Kent still has a lot of questions surrounding him. Why can’t he convince Oregon’s high level talent, such as Kevin Love and Kyle Singler, to come to Eugene? And, more importantly, why can’t he seem to win any games? With the kind of talent the Ducks have, we should be able to expect a top-4 Pac-10 finish and an NCAA tournament berth every year. If Kent doesn’t deliver that this season, he doesn’t deserve to still be around in 2007.

This is why Dave is a genius. Writing this paragraph allowed him to simply copy it, change the year, and repost it. Journalistic efficiency at its finest.

Being a bass player, I’m a huge P-Funk fan. If I were in Eugene I’d be there with star-shaped sunglasses and platform shoes with goldfish in the heels.

I’ve seen the Original P-Funk and the lineup with George Clinton several times. Never caught the Bootzilla in person but I’ve seen just about every other Funkadelic configuration. For the kiddies, here’s what the P-Funk party is all ’bout:

http://classic.cnbc.com/id/37136729/

Since when do we borrow poll questions from Will Farrell? But to answer that I’d lasso that B up in a heart beat.

I don’t even remember what I did to deserve a sticker this week, but you sure as shit got my vote for Overlord of Oregon. Screw that Kitzhaber chap, what the hell do doctors know about health care?

On that note, as long as we’re sending old, sick people into space, is there some way we could send up some lions and swords and stuff and have a kind of space-gladiator arena on the moon? Because that would be so cool it would require a new word to describe how cool it is.

is an Anheuser-Busch product leading the thread poll right now?

Immigration – I too am in favor of profiling and closing the borders. Which means I will make sure to ID anyone who is working at fast food joints to make sure they are OSU grads and then make them register and be naturalized by learning the I Hate Washington Day song.

Health Care – Why are health care costs a problem? That’s right, because of old people. Therefore, instead of being given free health care when you reach 65, when you will spend more in one week then you have your entire life, now you will be given no health care. No doctor will be allowed to see you, no hospital will admit you. Boom, lower health care costs. You’re welcome.

Economy – The real estate sector caused this mess the real estate sector should get us out of this problem. Therefore, the day I get elected any house that is vacant will immediately get burned to the ground. It’s supply side economics. Lower the supply of houses increases the prices. Also, all those people that were put out of work when the real estate market collapsed will now be immediately re-employed to rebuild houses.

Drug Trade – My opponent’s plan does not address what we do with the drug addicts. Therefore, instead of spending billions to convince drug lords that they should make weak drugs I will quarantine all the addicts into three very useless and down-trodden areas where they can freely use their drugs, and annoy people who live there because no one cares about those areas anyway: Boise, Idaho Corvallis, Oregon and Seattle, Washington.

Abortion – I don’t talk politics on a blog.

Other Issues
Education – All teachers will be immediately paid $100k starting salary. We will attract the best and the brightest to be teachers. Which also means nobody graduating from OSU, UW or BSU will be allowed to be teachers.

Right to Bear Arms – The 2nd Amendment will be changed to: “A well regulated Eddie Pleasant Militia, being necessary to the security of a free Oregon, the right of the people to keep and bear Eddie Pleasants, shall not be infringed.”

There you have it. Now vote for Matt Daddy for Governor. Thank you for your time and God Bless Mighty Oregon!!!

You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car – hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they’ll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.

Dinosaur NBA draft. Its pretty rad and worth a chuckle.

I will become the preppy-cool choice by the drunk college kids.

Immigration –I feel like my opponents are being too harsh on our illegal aliens from the North. I feel we should give these poor souls a chance at a new life, a chance at freedom from shitty teams and plummeting revenues. Therefore, I propose a migrant worker program, where wayward families can apply for visas that allow them to work within our athletic program doing the dirty jobs that nobody else wants to do. That’s right, I’m talking about cleaning out the locker room bathrooms, doing laundry, digging drainage trenches when this new turf thing backfires, etc. This way, they will become naturalized members of a productive society.

Health Care – I believe we should follow Canada’s approach: Free Healthcare for everyone! If Healthcare costs are a problem for the average american worker, then lets get rid of them! Imagine if you were able to go to the doctor, and they’d send the bill to the government. Now this would cause some monetary issues in the national budget, but I propose that we cut that crisis off by removing all veterans assistance money. They can now be employed as part of the national parks service. “Don’t you dare walk on that grass son. Dont you dare!”
Economy – My opponent Matt Daddy has got the problem backwards. The real estate market was corrupted by bad banks propping up cheap loans and a wasteful infrastructure with lies to both the American public and the government. Therefore, I propose that a full internal investigation is run, and all banks found to have participated in these erroneous practices be sentenced to either 4 years of labor working to clean up the BP oil spill with soup ladles, or to watch the complete broadcasts of every single 2008 University of Washington football game 20 times in a row.

Drug Trade – Fuck It: Legalize marijuana. It’s already sold all over the place, and frankly it’s really easy not to get caught (*disclaimer: I have never used pot or any other illicit substance). I propose that instead of using countless amounts of law enforcement and prosecution resources, we put a insatiably high tax on Marijuana and related products. This will become known as the “Arnold Schwarzenegger Method.”

Abortion – I firmly believe we should have mandatory, maturity-based chastity belts assigned to every female upon entering middle school/junior high. These will be programmed with microchips designed to determine the exact moment when a girl reaches the physical, mental and emotional maturity for sexual interaction. If some chicks are wearing these things throughout college, well there’s a reason for that.

Other Issues
Education – Teaching positions will be abolished immediately, and replaced with computer stations where children will be able to go through the daily lesson plans with the help of one of three voice-characters: “Steve,” “Amanda,” or “Gandalf.”

Nutrition/Obesity – The following companies will be banned from the United States:
Kraft Nabisco
Arby’s
A&W
Boston Market
Burger
Dairy Queen
Domino’s
Jack in the Box
KFC
McDonald’s
Sonic
White Castle
Wendys
Little Caesars
Taco Time
Taco Bell
Taco Del Mar
Resers

Thank you, God Bless, and Goooooo Ducks!

Tako, my already stellar opinion of you has ratcheted up a notch. I thought I was the whitest PFunk fan. (In the mid-70s, in Eugene, it was hard to find anyone who’d ever heard of them.)

Just knowing that you’re a fan of the Promentalshitbackwashpsychosis Enema Squad is comforting. (Assuming, of course, that your lecture is intended as an encomium, because why wouldn’t it be?)

Now if you’ll escuse me, I’m going to crank up some cosmic slop.

But I have one question for you: Eddie Hazel or Magic Mike Hampton?

Question to the candidates:

Regarding Immigration – If we were to close off our borders, we wouldn’t have any players like David Paulson, Carson York, Nick Cody, Boseko Lokombo or Jonathan Stewart.

How can you make sure people like this can be welcomed to Oregon and not feel any form of oppression? Or would you be okay with sacrificing these talents to uphold your ideals and risk giving these types of players to other northwest schools like The University of Washingfuckton?

Whoever can exile “he who shall remain nameless” to cover F*Boise State and the WAC, wins my heart and my vote!

As a voter, I am concerned that the candidates are focused on TV talking points and not real issues that effect a regular guy like me. I’m not from Washington, I don’t smoke pot, and I’m not pregnant, so what do I care about all these crazy rules? It also makes me nervous that all the names are in the pocket of Big Delight.

I want to know what you guys are going to do to keep Laker fans out of Blazer’s games. How you’ll get that drunk guy to quit bothering me when I take the bus downtown. What’s your plan of action to keep shitty blues bands from butchering classic songs? Last night I saw some guy play a Chris Isaak tune at a blues jam, if that isn’t deserving of two Hands To The Face then I don’t know what is. And Street Elvis has been performing at the Saturday Market for at least 20 years, but his guitar only has one string left. How will you find room in the budget to get him a second guitar string and maybe a shower?

Come down from your Ivory Luxury Box and spend some time with real people with real problems.

Establish three literal recruiting cast iron piplelines connecting the Mo Center to Florida, Texas, and Southern California. Are y’all cool with a 95% hike in income taxes?

All of the geologists say that parts the West Coast will bail and cruise on through the Pacific. Therefore, my next order of business is to accelerate the process of Plate Tectonics. I figure if we get Haloti Ngata to push Idaho hard enough, the West Coast will just kind of break off. F**k Boise State.

Vote for me biz-natches.

should be to declare “I Hate Washington Day” a mandatory State holiday. If you add that to the platform, you get my vote.