As many of you are already aware, today is the Oregon primary election.  Many of you have already cast your ballots for governor, and I'm not here to talk about who you voted for.  I'm talking about who you should vote for in November.  Me.  That's right.  Me.

I, Tako, officially announce my write-in candidacy for Governor of the state of Oregon.  My platform, after the jump.

First off, we're not following any of the federal government's ridiculous rules and regulations.  We're gonna do whatever the hell we want!  Therefore, as the President of Oregon, here's what I will do:

IMMIGRATION
I am in full support of profiling.  Anyone wearing a piece of University of Washington-branded apparel will be expected to produce proof of Oregon residency, and to take that ugly-ass purple thing off.  I am also in support of closing the border between Oregon and Washington.  Far too many undocumented Huskies are besmirching this state with their immoral lifestyle, and taking jobs away from hard-working Oregonians.

HEALTH CARE
I am a firm believer in universal health care, and I intend to take the term "universal" quite literally.  I will work in cooperation with NASA to send anyone with a terminal illness to spend their last days in space.  Because how cool would that be?

THE ECONOMY
As many of you know, I control a majority stake in the Eddie Pleasant Army, the finest vigilante unit in the world.  If elected, the Pleasant Army would carry out a Fight Club-style demolition, eliminating the debt record.  Boom, we're back to zero.  Also, the Pleasant Army would be carrying out raids on banks of countries that have way too much money they don't need, like Dubai or Switzerland, and laundering that money via Gulf Coast rebuilding projects and public education.  As a further economic stimulus package, I will liquidate the OLCC and beer will be dirt cheap!

THE DRUG TRADE
Instead of legalizing drugs like marijuana or trying to crackdown, I will fight this problem from the ground up.  I will work with drug kingpins to gradually produce a worse and worse product via government subsidies until the drugs have no effect on people.  Within ten years, cocaine will be virtually useless.

ABORTION
Instead of covering the subject of abortion, let's instead focus on the real issue: stupid people getting knocked up.  In my country, every man and woman must take a common sense test, titled the "Are you smart enough to procreate?" exam, once a year starting at 13.  If they fail, they are legally prohibited from getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant.  The minimum penalty for an unauthorized pregnancy is five years hard labor.

If elected, I probably won't follow through on my campaign promises.  Then again, neither will the other candidates, and my promises are silly.  Vote for me!

Keg Stickers!

Quinney and HRD get stickers for making me laugh out loud this week.  Come on people, do noteworthy things!

Matt Daddy - 5
Bill Musgrave - 5
Addicted to Quack - 5
Gorbachav5 - 4
JonathanPDX - 3
JShufelt - 3
Takimoto - 3
axemen23 - 2
trumpetduck - 2
AllSaintsDay - 2
HoodRiverDuck - 2
qrsouther - 2
CaDuck - 1
QuackinAK - 1
jtlight - 1
benzduck - 1
ntrebon - 1
echo31 - 1
scudderfan - 1
Mrs. Gorby - 1
MiracleWolf - 1
keeerrrttt - 1
DuckFanAndy - 1
dannyoneil94 - 1
hazmat5793 - 1

Shameless Plug!

For those of you in the Eugene area, I'm giving a lecture on Saturday at the U of O school of music on Parliament-Funkadelic and its influence on hip-hop and popular music.  Starts at 7 in Room 140 of the SOM.  Not only is it free, but we'll probably go drink beer afterwards!  And everyone likes beer!  So come spend your Saturday night learnin' stuff.