Hello avid SEC fan,

I don’t know how you got to this website. Perhaps you came to troll, perhaps you just got lost on that long and lonesome road known as the information super-highway (ie. you thought this was a porn site). But how fortuitous it is that you have stumbled upon this blog, and more importantly perhaps, this article. I am here to tell you something you may not know.

You and all people who identify as "SEC fans" are doing it wrong.

via images.pictureshunt.com

I know you might be saying to yourself, "screw this guy and his Yankee elitist garbage, ROLL TIDE!" Not so my confused friend, though I appreciate your misplaced enthusiasm. For you see, I spent my formative years in the south. I always tell people I’m half Scandinavian and half Texan when they ask about my ancestry, which is to say I have deep family ties in that most southern of southern states. I identify as a southerner, and it is out of true concern that I want to teach you what it means to be a fan of college football.

I am talking to SEC fans, not fans of every SEC team. What’s the difference you ask? The difference is the obsession with rooting for an entire conference. Do you root for an SEC team in their bowl game after they whipped your ass? Did you pull for Auburn, even though they shattered your BCS hopes? Are you from the University of Kentucky, and your team is so shitty that you have to talk about how awesome LSU is? Then let me offer a piece of advice. Not only do you sound like a tool, but you are missing out on one of the most beautiful things in college sports: the hatred of rivals.

My college game day attire. via www.theforce.net

Does a Bears fan cheer for the Packers when they get to the Super Bowl? Hell no. How many Red Sox fans wept when the Yankees lost? Not one. Why? Because a true fan’s experience is defined by equal parts love and hate. I cheer for the Ducks, and I have since I was a boy. This means that my football experience is a beautiful tapestry of love for my team and hatred for others.

Like this, but with rage and suffering. via tapestries.125west.com

By others, I mean by any team in my conference who has wronged us over the years. Did you ever stop us from going to the Rose Bowl? Then go fuck yourself, I hope you never win another game. Are you a regional rival? I hope locusts descend on your campus and the angel of death comes for your coach’s firstborn. Are you a former powerhouse team in my conference who beat us for years? Your fall from grace will taste better than the sweetest honey.

You have no idea how much I have enjoyed this. via lightsleepers.net

My point is this: a true college football fan develops a sense of hate for the other teams in their conference. It is natural. After all, these are the asshats who have screwed with your bowl schedule year in and year out. Do you think any UW fans or Cal fans jumped on the Oregon bandwagon last year? Hell no, because they are REAL FANS. I respect them for that, even if I dislike their teams.

You, on the other hand, want to have it all. Sure, during the year you may gripe about some conference team or another. But come bowl season you are always flapping your trap about how awesome these teams are and how much you want them to win. Do you know who I root for in USC bowl games? THE OTHER TEAM! It is beyond obnoxious to hear some UGA alum talk shit when ‘Bama smashes some poor team in the postseason. You are worse than a Miami Heat bandwagoner. You are a plague on the landscape of sport.

In summation, I disapprove. via www.banditobooks.com

But there is a simple cure, my dearest SEC friend. Stop blindly rooting for your whole conference. Pick a team, and cheer only for that team. Over time, your fandom will be enriched by a wonderful web of hate for the other teams in your conference. You may fall from time to time, but you can take solace in the fact that those you despise will fall as well. Come bowl season, their loses will sustain you. Until then, everyone else will continue to view you as the most obnoxious fans in sporting history.

What I cheer for during every SEC game. via upload.wikimedia.org

Sincerely,

Avap