The Homer's Guide: USC Sucks

Warning: abundant irrationality and strong language. 

Look. There are moments when I can be clever. I think of a good topic, I put it together in some sort of coherent way, and most people seem to like it (except for the one guy who discredits me as a journalist because I misspell personnel a couple times. Make no mistake, I don't need anyone to discredit me as a journalist. I do a good enough job of that on my own). But this week is no time to be witty and coy. I hate washington; I sort of pity the Beavers; I question Stanford's motivation and morals; I think Weasels should be stomp'd. 

And USC sucks. They suck lots, in so many ways. 

Lane Kiffin Sucks

He's a brat, with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement because his daddy moved a linebacker back five yards and called it a brand new defense, and that apparently makes him special. He spent one season as a graduate assistant at Colorado State and one season as a "defensive quality control" coach for the Jacksonville Jaguars before Pete Carroll hired him at USC. Why would Carroll make such a hire? Because Pete Carroll's first job after graduating from the University of the Pacific was a GA position at Arkansas. The defensive coordinator at the time? Monte Kiffin. 

Lane was hired by Al Davis to coach the Oakland Raiders at the age of 31. After just over a season filled with controversy and a 5-15 record, Kiffin was fired. Kiffin and Davis fought over coaching choices, trading Randy Moss, and the level of responsibility afforded to Kiffin by the language in his contract. At the time, it seemed as though it was just Crazy Old Al Davis being Crazy Old Al Davis; it wouldn't be until Lane Kiffin's next job that we saw actually who was the batshit one. And just to drive this point home, Kiffin was fired after twenty games; his successor, Tom Cable, after finishing the 2008 season 4-8, punched out one of his assistant coaches, fracturing his jaw. He coached all of 2009. 

Lane Kiffin was announced as the new head coach at Tennessee in late 2008, and wasted no time in pissing off everyone around him. Before coaching a game, he started a feud with Florida coach Urban Meyer, insulted a high school, undermined his athletic director by attempting to fire coaches without approval, and told South Carolina wide receiver Alshon Jeffrey, then a high school senior, that "if he chose the Gamecocks, he would end up pumping gas for the rest of his life like all the other players from that state who had gone to South Carolina." Kiffin's final tally in Knoxville: a 7-6 record, a 23-13 loss to Florida (after guaranteeing a win in his opening press conference), and at least six NCAA recruiting violations. Upon replacing Pete Carroll as USC's head coach, Kiffin left no earth unscorched, poaching recruits, his dad, and fellow shady recruited Ed Orgeron from the Vols, and an offensive coordinator from the Tennessee Titans. To use the parlance of our times, he left the Volunteer State a blazing, five-alarm dumpster fire, and hightailed it for California.

Ten days into his tenure at USC, Kiffin committed his first recruiting violation by picking up a recruit from the airport in a limo. Ten days. His teams are carrying the recruiting sanctions stemming from the Pete Carroll-era violations, but who was the recruiting coordinator for USC in 2005, the year that, along with Reggie Bush's Heisman, was wiped from the record books? Lane Kiffin.

He's a baby, a whiner, and a crappy in-game coach. That being said, I hope the Trojans keep him around. That'll keep USC right where I like them: on probation, and with 4-6 losses on their record. 

The USC Band sucks

They play two songs, they wear toothbrushes on their head, and they're a big bunch of jerks who think their shit smells sweeter than everybody else's. You're in a marching band, get over yourself.

The USC Song Girls suck

The front page of their website declares them "The World Famous USC Song Girls". The front page of their website also says "Click to enter", but that's neither here nor there. This myth exists that the USC Song Girls are all exceedingly beautiful, their thoughts undeniably intelligent, and their intentions are as pure as the white sweaters that cover up their breast implants. But really, they're just another cheerleading squad, only they haven't changed their clothes in 44 years. They don't understand football, they don't understand underwear, they're very mediocre at dancing, and they're not even that great at their main job: looking hot. I just don't get the obsession. They might be the most overrated part of USC, and that's saying something. 

The University of Southern California sucks

Did you know that it will cost a freshman almost $58,000 to attend USC this year? That's over $200,000 for a USC undergraduate degree. USC ranks as the 46th best school in the world, thanks in part to its top-ranked Cinematic Arts and Video Game Design programs. 46th in the world is very impressive, and ranks much higher than the U of O's #more than100th on that list, but $58,000 a year? That #46 ranking puts USC tenth among all schools...in California, and a Trojan education costs more money than any of the nine California schools ranked above them.

It's also right smack in the middle of one of the truly crappy sections of Los Angeles. UCLA can be found in Westwood, tucked neatly between Santa Monica and Beverly Hills. USC is between Inglewood and East LA. So it begs the question: what kind of person would want to get an overrated education in the middle of the 'hood?

This guy.

(via MrChuckChapman)

Things I Googled to research this post

"Lane Kiffin is a flat out liar"

"Lane Kiffin recruiting violations"

"USC song girl breast implants"

"How many hungry children could I feed with $58,000?"

"ATQ Hasselhoff Bowels"