HOOD RIVER, OREGON -- Federal authorities from the Drug Enforcement Agency have seized a Columbia Gorge physician's warehouse, long suspected as a manufacturing site for fake pharmaceuticals sold over the world wide web.
Agents seized no less than 4,000,000 pills labeled deceivingly to try and pass as the brand name medications Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis, which are prescribed for the treatment of erectile dysfunction. For example, two million green pills bore the imprint 'V!agra', but when tested at the DEA lab, proved to be nothing more than lime-flavored sugar tablets. Likewise, yellow tablets which read 'Ci@lis' were lemon-flavored sugar.
"Essentially," offered forensic pathologist Phil McCracken, "These are nothing but green and yellow Kool-Aid."
The sting operation began several months ago, when ads for "BONER PILLZ" began appearing on various websites more and more frequently. This led the team to uncover a sham corporation called www.HRDbonerpillz.com. In addition to having no known employees, www.HRDbonerpillz.com had never filed as an incorporation with the state of Oregon, and indeed had never even purchased the URL which matched the company name. Most of the links in the boner pill ads led to suggestive photos of scantily clad cheerleaders, or to pictures of grown men making adolescent jokes about supposedly huge genitalia.
Nonetheless, the doctor believed to be behind the operation still proves elusive, and as yet has not been located by the feds. "The complexity of this operation totally blew me," said lead DEA agent Mike Hawk, "away. I had several of my hottest young guys assigned to infiltrate deeper, deeper, and deeper into this drug network. This thing was so,so--oh my god, I mean incredibly tight that it required my best undercover work to finally come through and pay off."
Hawk also admitted his DEA team had outside help with their sting. Tipster Holden McGroin of Seattle, Washington alerted local police when his order for three thousand of the pills went unfilled. "I'm out like thirty thousand bucks and I haven't had a hard-on since November 1, 2003. I mean, do you know what that's like? I've got a real medical issue and this criminal is sitting down there across the border just laughing at me."
Additional seizures from the warehouse included a stash of seemingly unrelated paraphernalia, also believed to be contraband. This included a laptop computer, a guitar, a portable projection screen, hundreds of rubber penile prostheses called 'Whizzinators', Betamax tapes labeled "Elite Scouting Services" containing grainy footage of 1970's high school football games, and what accompanying documents verified to be the ruptured ACL of former University of Oregon quarterback Dennis Dixon.
Attempts to contact the office of the popular local practitioner, known on internet message boards as HoodRiverDuck, were unsuccessful as of press time.