Now, you guys gonna win? You gonna win a bowl game any time soon? Look, we didn't want to say this to your face, but you're making the rest of us look bad. You can't even win a simple bowl game. Also, you need to stop using Patchouli scented Axe body spray. But back to the bowl thing. Let's take a look:
Maybe you need to take a page out of the Cal handbook and win a goddamn bowl game. After all, we did win the 2007 Armed Forces Bowl. We dominated that shit. DOMI-FUCKING-NATED! Let's take a look at some numbers:
Air Force 36
Most Valuable Player: KEVIN RILEY!
That's what I call hashtag winning! We beat the Armed Forces. You know how rare that is? It's happened like 2 other times. The British in 1812 (more of a tie, really). The Vietnamese in 1973. Now, Cal, in this era. Kevin Riley faced a defense responsible for DDay, American revolution, and finding Osama. And won! Oregon lost to a group of 21 year olds.
And don't even get me started on the 2008 Emerald Bowl! DON'T GET ME STARTED! You won't like me if I get started on the 2008 Emerald Bowl.
Look, since Cal won the 2003 Insight Bowl, I think I can offer a bit of insight (see what I did there) on how Oregon could potentially win a bowl game. FREE ADVICE:
Oregon should try to improve its offense by doing little things like speeding up its offense to get plays off sooner or trying a few zone reads here and there.
It really couldn't hurt to try at this point, could it. After all, you guys haven't won the Rose Bowl since 1917. 1917! Cal's won not one, but TWO Rose Bowls since then. 1920. 1938. BAM! You just got TwistNHook'd.
Look, last year Cal didn't lose a bowl game (VERIFIABLE FACT!), so maybe that's something you guys should aspire to. Maybe, you should scrap your loser playbook, take a page out of the Cal winning playbook, and actually win a bowl game for once in your life. You're welcome.