A Few Good Coaches

[The courtroom is set with media from far and near in attendance.  On one side you have Lieutenant Canzano trying desperately to save the reputation of the University of Oregon and valiantly fighting for the rights of every Duck fan alike.  On the other side you have Commander Moseley who wants to seek the truth and is only interested in facts.  On trial we are looking at what exactly Oregon ordered when conducting business with Will Lyles of Texas.  Judge NCAA is overseeing this proceeding.  Lieutenant Canzano has yet to call his most controversial witness.  Colonel Kelly himself.]

Judge: Lieutenant, call your witness.

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Lt Canzano: The Dense calls Colonel Charles Kelly.

Colonel Kelly enters the room giving "the stare" to every man woman and child. He's sworn in by Commander Moseley and takes the stand.

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Lt Canzano: Col when you learned about the Oregonian's request for documents regarding the recent NCAA investigation, you had a meeting with two senior officers. The platoon Commander Robert Mullens and executive officer Mr. Michael Bellotti.

Col Kelly: Yes.

Lt Canzano: And at present Officer Bellotti is dead, is that right?

Commander Moseley: Objection, I'd like to know just what the Dense Council is implying.

Lt Canzano: I'm implying simply that at present Officer Bellotti is not alive.

Com Moseley: Surely Colonel Kelly does not need to appear here in this court room to confirm that information.

Lt Canzano: I just wasn't sure if the witness was a aware that 2 years ago his life was taken by the 45 caliber that is the right hook of LeGarrette Blount.

Judge: The witness is aware, the court is aware and now the court members are aware. We thank your inside sources for bringing this to our attention. Move on Lieutenant.

Lt Canzano: Yes sir. Colonel, prior to this meeting two years ago you gave Lieutenant Mullens an order, is that right?

Col Kelly: I told Mullens that Scouting Services were not to be touched.

Lt Canzano: And did you give an order to Officer Bellotti as well?

Col Kelly: I ordered Bellotti to make sure that we were nationally recruiting immediately.

Lt Canzano: Why?

Col Kelly: Considering they were being closed to the north, I felt our recruiting borders might be in danger.

Lt Canzano: Grave danger?

Col Kelly: Is there another kind?

Lt Canzano: Colonel we have the recruiting records that you and Officer Bellotti have put together over the last number of years. It has national rankings over that period of time and it has Oregon at #13, #32 and #19. Does that sound accurate?

Col Kelly: Those numbers sound accurate.

Lt Canzano: Colonel you flew into Oregon 4 years ago from New Hampshire, is that right?

Col Kelly: Yes.

Lt Canzano: I noticed you wearing all your most recently designed Nike gear for your appearance in court today.

Col Kelly: As are you Lieutenant.

Lt Canzano: Is that what you wore when you came here?

Com Moseley: Please the court, is this dialogue relevant to anything in praticu...

Lt Canzano: The Dense didn't have an opportunity to depose the Colonel, and I'd ask the court for a little latitude.

Judge: A very little latitude.

Lt Canzano: Colonel?

Col Kelly: I wore Under Armor at New Hampshire.

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Lt Canzano: You got Nike's when you got here?

Col Kelly: Yes.

Lt Canzano: Multiple helmets, gloves, bright neon socks, size XXXL jock straps?

Com Moseley: Your HONOR!

Lt Canzano: Is the Colonel's underwear a matter for the NCAA?

Judge: GENTLEMEN. You better get somewhere fast with this.

Lt Canzano: Yes your honor. Colonel?

Col Kelly: I came here with a new slogan, a hard working mentality and a no-nonsense attitude towards the media.

Lt Canzano: Thank you. After the Yahoo report regarding payments to Will Lyles on March the 3rd the Oregon compliance department was sealed off and the contents were requested via Freedom of Information Act. One Fishbein Letter, Invoices and Checks, New Level Athletics emails from 2008 and 2010. University of Oregon purchase order for $25,000, Chip Kelly and Gary Campbell phone records, 1 Complete Scouting Services 2010 National High School Evaluation Booklet...

Com Moesely: If it pleases the court, is there a question anywhere in our future?

Judge: Lieutenant Canzano, I have to ask you to state your question.

Lt Canzano: I'm wondering why the text messages weren't tracked. Tell you what, we'll come back to that one in a minute. This is record of all telephone calls made from your phones to that of Texas in the past two years since your recruiting in Texas started. I've highlighted 3 of those calls in yellow. Do you recognize those dates and times?

Col Kelly: I called Tra Carson to let him know I received his Letter of Intent, the second call was to Les Miles to arrange a meeting between our two teams in Dallas next year and the third call was to UT's head coach, Mack Brown.

Lt Canzano: Why did you make that call sir?

Col Kelly: I wanted to remind him of what happened the last time Oregon and Texas played in 2000. I thought he might enjoy it.

Com Moseley: Your honor...

Judge: I'm going to put a stop to this...

Lt Canzano: Your honor these are the text records of Colonel Kelly to Will Lyles over the last two years and these are 140 recruits in this 2010 National High School Evaluation Booklet requesting, in fact begging to be given scholarships. Upon hearing the news that Oregon was going to be recruiting nationally, do know how many text messages that were sent to these recruits? ZERO. Nobody. Not one text message to a kid saying, "how'd you like to come visit Oregon." Not one text saying, "LOL, IWSN" They were already at their chosen schools, already recruited or signed away. And according to you they were being videotaped and reviewed for Oregon for the next year.

You were leaving for one job, you packed a bag, picked out some new Nike clothes and made 400 text messages.

These kids were leaving for the rest of their lives... and they hadn't contacted a soul and they hadn't heard a thing.

Can you explain that?

The fact is there was no national recruiting, there was only a Texas agenda and these kids weren't being recruited. These kids weren't going any where. Isn't that right Colonel?

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Com Moseley: Objection your honor. It's obvious that Lieutenant Canzano's intention this afternoon is to smear a high ranking coach in the desperate hope that the mere appearance of impropriety will win points with the husky and beaver fans and drive web traffic. Now it is my recommendation, Sir, that Lieutenant Canzano be reprimanded for his conduct and the witness be excused with the court's deepest apologies.

Judge: Over ruled.

Com Moseley: Your honor...

Judge: Your objection is noted.

Lt Canzano: Colonel?

Colonel Kelly smirks

Lt Canzano: Is this funny sir?

Col Kelly: No it's not, it's tragic.

Lt Canzano: Do you have an answer?

Col Kelly: Absolutely. My answer is I don't have the first damn clue. Maybe Will Lyles sent us by paper only a sample of what he was going to put together. And maybe these were kids that weren't going to be recruited anyway. I'm an educated man, but I'm afraid I can't speak intelligently about the text habits of all Texas High School students. What I do know is that Oregon was set to recruit nationally as soon as I arrived here.

Now, are these really the questions you called me here to answer? Text messages and recruiting packages? Please tell me that you have something more Lieutenant. This school is on trial for its football life. Please tell me that the media hasn't pinned its hope on the reliability of AT&T?

Do you have any other questions for me councilor?

Judge: Lieutenant Canzano? Lieutenant, do you have anything further for this witness?

Col Kelly: Thanks Johnny, I love O-live.

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Lt Canzano: Excuse me, I didn't dismiss you.

Col Kelly: I beg your pardon?

Lt Canzano: I'm not through with my examination. Sit down.

Col Kelly: COLONEL!

Lt Canzano: What's that?

Col Kelly: I'd appreciate it if you addressed me as Colonel or Coach, I believe I've earned it.

Judge: The Dense will address the witness as Colonel or Sir.

Col Kelly: I don't know what the hell kinda team you're running here.

Judge: And the witness will address this court as Judge or NCAA, I'm quite certain I've earned it.

Col Kelly: What do you want to discuss now Canzano, my favorite color?

Lt Canzano: Colonel, the recruiting rankings we have are accurate?

Col Kelly: Yes.

Lt Canzano: Those recruiting rankings wouldn't be adjusted because of the fact that you had inside tracks to Texas High School players that no one else was going to be able to get to?

Judge: Lieutenant, I think we've covered this, haven't we?

Lt Canzano: Your honor these are the recruiting records from both University of Texas and Texas A&M. UT records list no offer to LaMichael James, Darron Thomas or Josh Huff and the Texas A&M list no offers to any of the players as well. I'd like to admit them as Dense exhibits Alpha and Bravo.

Judge: I don't understand, you're admitting evidence of offers that never existed.

Lt Canzano: Oh we believe they did sir. The Dense will be calling Coach Mack Brown and Coach Mike Sherman, they were working the Texas High School coaches during that period.

Com Moseley: Your honor, these men weren't on the FOIA list.

Commander Bachman: Rebuttal witnesses your honor, called specifically to refute testimony regarding the spending habits of Phil Knight and lavish gifts to the University of Oregon.

Judge: I'll allow the witnesses.

Col Kelly: This is ridiculous.

Lt Canzano: Colonel a moment ago...

Col Kelly: Check the offer sheets for Christ's sake.

Lt Canzano: Oh we'll get to the coaches in just a minute sir. A moment ago you said you ordered Lieutenant Mullens to tell his men that Scouting Services weren't to be touched.

Col Kelly: That's right.

Lt Canzano: And Lieutenant Mullens was clear on what you wanted?

Col Kelly: Crystal.

Lt Canzano: Any chance Lieutenant Mullens ignored the order?

Col Kelly: Ignored the order?

Lt Canzano: Any chance he forgot about it?

Col Kelly: No.

Lt Canzano: Any chance Lieutenant Mullens left your office and said the coach is wrong?

Col Kelly: No.

Lt Canzano: When Lieutenant Mullens spoke to his men, and ordered them not to touch Scouting Services, any chance they ignored him?

Col Kelly: You ever served on a coaching unit son?

Lt Canzano: No sir.

Col Kelly: Ever served in a recruiting area?

Lt Canzano: No sir.

Col Kelly: Ever put your goals in another man's hands and asked him to put his goals in yours?

Lt Canzano: No sir.

Col Kelly: We follow orders son. We follow orders or teams don't win games. It's that simple. Are we clear?

Lt Canzano: Yes sir.

Col Kelly: Are we CLEAR?

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Lt Canzano: Crystal. Colonel, I have just one more question before I call Coach Brown and Coach Sherman, If you gave an order that Scouting Services weren't to be touched, and your orders are always followed, then why would Oregon need to recruit nationally? Why would it be necessary to text Will Lyles?

Col Kelly: Oregon's recruiting was being squeezed by shady practices in Southern California..

Lt Canzano: That's not what you said. You said the recruiting borders were in grave danger. You said they were in danger, I said grave danger? You said is there any other kind...

Col Kelly: I recall what I said...

Lt Canzano: I can have the court reporter read back to you...

Col Kelly: I know what I said, I don't have to have it read back to me like I'm some kind of idiot...

Lt Canzano: Then why the two orders? Colonel?

Col Kelly: Sometime men take matters into their own hands.

Lt Canzano: No sir, you made it clear a moment ago that men never take matters into their own hands. Your men follow orders or you don't win games. So Scouting Services should never have been within reach at all Colonel?

Col Kelly: You snotty little bastard.  Your parents never believed in you.

Com Moseley: Your honor I'd like to ask for a recess

Lt Canzano: I'd like an answer to the question Judge.

Judge: The court will wait for an answer.

Lt Canzano: If Lieutenant Mullens gave an order that Scouting Srevices weren't to be touched and your orders are always followed, then why the national recruiting? Colonel? Lieutenant Mullens ordered the Scouting Services because that's what you TOLD LIEUTENANT MULLENS TO DO!

Com Moseley: OBJECT!...

Lt Canzano: AND WHEN YOU WENT BACK YOU CUT THESE GUYS LOOSE. YOU HAD BELLOTTI ALTER THE TEXT MESSAGES, YOU COMMINGLED THE VIDEO TAPES, COLONEL KELLY, DID YOU ORDER THE SCOUTING SERVICES!!!

Judge: You don't have to answer that question.

Col Kelly: I'll answer the question... YOU WANT ANSWERS?!

Lt Canzano: I think I'm entitled to them.

Col Kelly: YOU WANT ANSWERS?!!!!

Lt Canzano: I WANT THE TRUTH!

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Col Kelly: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Son, we live in a football world that has recruits, and those recruits have to come from high schools by men with access. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Steve Tannen? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Texas, and you curse Will Lyles. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Texas' death, while tragic, probably saved PROGRAMS. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves PROGRAMS. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at tailgates, you want me on that recruiting trail, you need me on that recruiting trail. We use words like access, packages, letters of intent. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent recruiting something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very fodder that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a cell phone, and send a text. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Lt Canzano: Did you order the Scouting Services?

Col. Kelly: I did the job I...

Lt Canzano: DID YOU ORDER THE SCOUTING SERVICE?

Col Kelly: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!!!

....

h/t JShufelt for the photoshop pictures.  If you want to check out the accuracy of the preceding scenes they can be viewed here and here

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