Media Fiction
by Matt Daddy on Jul 14, 2011 10:30 AM PDT
in Opinion
Email
Print[This post is intended for mature audiences. It is rated NSFW, for strong language and violence. Parental guidance is strongly suggested. Enjoy.]
The media is obviously trying to keep hidden the records of what Chip Kelly and Oregon have said to the NCAA. Will Lyles is secretly working with the media to tarnish the reputation of Oregon in hopes of making back the $25,000 that he didn't receive from Oregon. Coach Kelly has determined the whereabouts of the secret documents that exonerate him and Oregon and has dispatched two of his graduated pipe-hitting motherfucking linebackers to retrieve it for him. Spencer Paysinger and Casey Matthews are standing outside the apartment where Lyles, Brooks and Tannen are inside. In the bathroom Matt Prehm is eavesdropping trying to pick up some some recruiting tidbits, and as Paysinger and Matthews enter he stays hidden.
SpittyP: Hey kids! How you boys doin'?
[to Steve Tannen laying on the couch]
SpittyP: Hey, keep chillin'. You know who we are? We're associates of your news whippin' boy Chip Kelly. You do remember your whippin' boy don't you? Now let me take a wild guess here. [scanning around the room] You're Brooks, right?
Brooks: Yeah.
SpittyP: I thought so. You remember your whippin' boy Chip Kelly, don't you, Brooks?
Brooks: Yeah, I remember him.
SpittyP: Good. Looks like me and Casey caught you boys at breakfast, sorry 'bout that. What'cha havin'?
Brooks: Pizza.
SpittyP: Pizza!! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kinda pizza?
Brooks: Hawaiian pizza.
SpittyP: No, no, no, where'd ya get em? Dominoes, Pizza Hut, Papa John's?
Brooks: Track Town Pizza.
SpittyP: Track Town Pizza! That's that Oregon Ducks pizza joint. I hear they got some tasty pizza. I ain't never had none myself, how are they?
Brooks: They're good.
SpittyP: You mind if I try some of yours? [Pointing at his pizza] This is yours here, right?
Brooks: Sure
[SpittyP grabs Brooks's pizza folds it in half and takes a big bite of it.]
SpittyP: Uuummmm, this is some tasty pizza. Casey, you ever try Track Town pizza?
[Casey shakes his head no]
SpittyP: Wanna bite, it's real tasty.
Casey: I ain't hungry.
SpittyP: Well, if you like pizza give 'em a try sometime. Me, I can't usually get 'em myself because I'm trainin' for the NFL which pretty much cuts out all carbs. But I do love the taste of some good pizza. Mmm. You know what they call pizza in NY?
Brooks: No.
SpittyP: Tell 'em, Casey.
Casey: A sliiiiiice.
SpittyP: A sliiiice! You know why they call it that?
Brooks: Because of east coast bias?
SpittyP: Check out the big brain on Brooks! You're a smart motherfucker. That's right. The east coast bias. What's in this?
[pointing to the cup of drink in front of Brooks]
Brooks: Ninkasi.
SpittyP: Ninkasi, good. You mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down?
Brooks: Go right ahead.
SpittyP: [takes a long sip of the drink] Aaah, that hit the spot.
[Cleans off hands and turns to Tannen on the couch]
SpittyP: You, flock of putz, you know why we're here? Why don't you tell my man Casey where ya got the shit hid at.
Will Lyles: It's over there.
SpittyP: I DON'T REMEMBER ASKIN' YOU A GODDAMN THING! You were sayin'.
Tannen: It's in the cupboard
[Casey checks the upper cupboard]
Tannen: No, no the one by your kn-knees
[Casey rattles through the cupboard and pull out a briefcase]
[Casey turns the dials on the briefcase to 42-3, as he opens the briefcase the light off the NCAA testimony shines on his face]
SpittyP: We happy? Casey! We happy?
Casey: Yeah, we happy.
Brooks: Look, I'm sorry, ah I didn't get your name. I got yours, ahh Casey, right? Bu-but I ne-never got you...
SpittyP: My name Spit and yo ass ain't talking your way out of this shit
[Brooks starts to stand up...]
Brooks: I just want you to know how...
[SpittyP motions for him to sit back down]
Brooks: I just want you to know how terribly sorry we are that-that things got so fucked up with us and Mr. Kelly. It-it-it, we got into this thing with the best intentions. Really, I never...
BANG!!!!! [SpittyP shoots Tannen]
SpittyP: Oh, I'm sorry did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do dat. Please continue. You were saying somethin' about, "best intentions?"
[Brooks look shell shocked]
SpittyP: Oh, what's the matter? Oh, you were finished. Well, allow me to retort.
SpittyP: What does Chip Kelly look like?
Brooks: [looking very confused and frightened] What?
SpittyP: [Turns over the table in front of Brooks] What paper do you work for?
Brooks: What?
SpittyP: "What" ain't no paper I ever heard of! They write in English in "what"?
Brooks: What?
SpittyP: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO-YOU-WRITE-IT?
Brooks: Yes!
SpittyP: Then you know what I'm saying!
Brooks: Yes!
SpittyP: Describe what Chip Kelly looks like!
Brooks: What, I-?
SpittyP: [pointing his gun] Say "what" again. SAY "WHAT" AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker. Say "what" one more goddamn time.
Brooks: He's...he's...ch-ch-chubby...
SpittyP: Go on.
Brooks: He's..he's got a stare...
SpittyP: Does he look like a bitch?
Brooks: What?
BANG!!!! [SpittyP shoots Brooks in the shoulder]
SpittyP: DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?
Brooks: [in great pain] No!
SpittyP: Then why you try to fuck with him like a bitch, Brooks?
Brooks: I didn't.
SpittyP: Yes you did. Yes you did, Brooks. You tried to fuck with him. And Chip Kelly don't like to be fucked with by anybody, except Erin Andrews.
Brooks: Ahhhh [Brooks screams in agony]
SpittyP: You read the box scores, Brooks?
Brooks: [in spasm] Yes.
SpittyP: Well there's this game I got memorized, kinda fits the occasion. WinTheDay 65:38. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the bavers and the tyranny of evil huskies. Blessed is he, who in the name of Autzen and Casanova, shepherds the sheep through the corn-valley of darkness, for he is truly his little brother's keeper and the finder of fumbled footballs. And I will strike down upon thee with great players and furious formations those who would attempt to fake injuries and slow my offense. And you will know my name is the Genius when I lay my tempo upon thee."
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!!!!![SpittyP and Casey then both empty their guns at the same time onto Brooks]
Just then Prehm, realizing he's not getting anymore recruiting scoops, busts out of the bathroom...
h/t to Trumpetduck for putting together the photoshops for your viewing entertainment
61 comments
|
26 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
Lemme be the first to say bravo.
And the first to rec.
"Fuck you UW. How many days since you last beat us?" -skywaker9
by QuackQuackAttack on Jul 14, 2011 10:37 AM PDT reply actions
Tannen?
What’s he been saying? i havent been able to listen to the show for a while.
by Brandon Duckerson on Jul 14, 2011 10:41 AM PDT reply actions
Nuke all three of them mothafuckrs!!! Goin' green..rec o matic
"What you are entrusted to do as a coach is to create an environment where your players have a chance to be successful." CHIP KELLY
And then, like.
Tannen shat hisseff……
And then Cliff pulled up an say, cum yu bad mofuckas, lez exit stage right.. and they wen VVrRrooooommmm
And Blownzano was left holding the guns….mumbling sumthing about being lied to….
"What you are entrusted to do as a coach is to create an environment where your players have a chance to be successful." CHIP KELLY
You left out the best part:
“Oh man, I shot Sports by TMZ in the face.”
by DuckUntilDeath on Jul 14, 2011 10:58 AM PDT reply actions
Er, I mean Lyles....
But I really wanted Sports by TMZ to be shot in the face, so I feel like my misquote was justified.
by DuckUntilDeath on Jul 14, 2011 11:02 AM PDT up reply actions
"Did you just order a $25,000 milkshake?"
by DuckUntilDeath on Jul 14, 2011 10:59 AM PDT reply actions
That's $25,000 dollars? You don't put bourbon in it or nothin'?
Ducks GOOOOD. Fuskies BAAAAAD.
by BigGreenWreckingMachine on Jul 14, 2011 11:01 AM PDT up reply actions
He was talking about Banzdick.
It's spelled "B-I-L-L-M-U-S-G-R-A-V-E-C-O-M-E-B-A-C-K"
"If Lache Seastrunk is the POTG against LSU, I will formally quit ATQ." - Axemen23 on 6/21/2011
Is that some sort of CC knockoff of teh great benzduck?
Editor at BT Powerhouse, a Big Ten Basketball blog.
Author at Acme Packing Company, a Green Bay Packers blog
"If you don't tell him what he wants to hear, he's going to find you out. And when he does, they're going to tear your head off and throw your BODY OUT OF AN AIRLOCK!" - Number Six, "Bastille Day"
by OBrienSchofieldismyHero on Jul 14, 2011 8:55 PM PDT up reply actions
Likely.
It's spelled "B-I-L-L-M-U-S-G-R-A-V-E-C-O-M-E-B-A-C-K"
"If Lache Seastrunk is the POTG against LSU, I will formally quit ATQ." - Axemen23 on 6/21/2011
I don't think I've ever even been to CC.
by DuckUntilDeath on Jul 15, 2011 8:57 AM PDT up reply actions
The sheer, blind, stupidly-placed optimism in a Lane Kiffin team did me in.
I don’t think I’ll ever join, or go back for that matter.
Editor at BT Powerhouse, a Big Ten Basketball blog.
Author at Acme Packing Company, a Green Bay Packers blog
"If you don't tell him what he wants to hear, he's going to find you out. And when he does, they're going to tear your head off and throw your BODY OUT OF AN AIRLOCK!" - Number Six, "Bastille Day"
by OBrienSchofieldismyHero on Jul 15, 2011 5:32 PM PDT up reply actions
idk? I haven't had any coffee yet.
Don’t you remember what you did?
by DuckUntilDeath on Jul 15, 2011 8:56 AM PDT up reply actions
Marvelous
And being the one person on the planet who never saw A Few Good Men, this one made me laugh quite a bit more than the last installment. Any pictures of The Cleaner that you could shop onto Harvey Keitel for the next scene?
THAT'S RIGHT, Kenny Wheaton you did. You cut back into GREATNESS.
I thought Phil Knight should be "The Wolf"
Mr. Wolf: Were you Uncle Conrad and Aunt Ginny millionaires?
Jimmie: No.
Mr. Wolf: Well, your Uncle Phil is.
"the putz from that UO blog, Matt Daddy" - Steve Tannen
The Daily Faberian
Nice
I stand convinced.
THAT'S RIGHT, Kenny Wheaton you did. You cut back into GREATNESS.
by HoodRiverDuck on Jul 14, 2011 11:17 AM PDT up reply actions
INTERNET HIGH FIVE BRO
THAT'S RIGHT, Kenny Wheaton you did. You cut back into GREATNESS.
by HoodRiverDuck on Jul 14, 2011 1:37 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Other characters
Captain Koons: Mike Belotti
Yolanda: Rachel Bachman
Ringo: George Schroeder
Esmarelda Villalobos: the University employee who rented the car to Cliff Harris
Ed Sullivan: Ted Miller
Buddy Holly: Joey Harrington
by DuckUntilDeath on Jul 14, 2011 2:32 PM PDT up reply actions
Slick Rick as "Zed?"
With Kiffin as Maynard?
Ducks GOOOOD. Fuskies BAAAAAD.
by BigGreenWreckingMachine on Jul 14, 2011 6:37 PM PDT up reply actions
Sark should be the Gimp
and USC should be Zed, since they used to run things, but now, “Zed’s dead baby”
"It's such a fine line between clever and stupid." - Nigel Tufnell
Everyone knows Kiffin is the Gimp
“Bring out the Kiff”
"the putz from that UO blog, Matt Daddy" - Steve Tannen
The Daily Faberian
by Matt Daddy on Jul 14, 2011 11:45 AM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Sports by TMZ notices this
http://www.sportsbybrooks.com/poll-the-best-sports-by-brooks-full-page-mock-29784
"Good evening Blazer fans, wherever you may be!"-Bill Schonely
/flaggedforlinkingtoSportsbyTMZ’spage
by DuckUntilDeath on Jul 14, 2011 12:29 PM PDT up reply actions
Love it when journalists hide behind 'don't shoot the messenger'.
THAT'S RIGHT, Kenny Wheaton you did. You cut back into GREATNESS.
by HoodRiverDuck on Jul 14, 2011 3:10 PM PDT up reply actions
Op-Eds are not “the messengers”. That’s exactly opposite of what their job is.
Journalists can, but those are called reporters.
It's spelled "B-I-L-L-M-U-S-G-R-A-V-E-C-O-M-E-B-A-C-K"
"If Lache Seastrunk is the POTG against LSU, I will formally quit ATQ." - Axemen23 on 6/21/2011
by JShufelt on Jul 14, 2011 3:12 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Is our new meme “movie parodies that Axemen won’t get”? Because if it’s not a thing I think we should make it a thing.
by JonathanPDX on Jul 14, 2011 12:25 PM PDT reply actions 5 recs
Paysinger loves it
Via his Twitter (quoting him, includes Sports by TMZ link):
@CaseyMatthews55 they did us like Pulp Fiction lmao @SPORTSbyBROOKS http://sbn.to/oqQDGD
"Good evening Blazer fans, wherever you may be!"-Bill Schonely
Bravo
Gotta say – you have found your calling. These last two parodies are brilliant.
ATQ's #1 Bill Musgrave fan
Curse you, Offseason.
It cannot be!
Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” started up right as the final picture came into view on my screen. The powers that be don’t even want us to F with the Ducks.
by Colleeeen on Jul 14, 2011 5:47 PM PDT via mobile reply actions 4 recs
Atta way Colleeeen. You gettin' it!
Take a rec
"What you are entrusted to do as a coach is to create an environment where your players have a chance to be successful." CHIP KELLY
This is Belly-Laugh funny
and I don’t get the parody parts. I feel like everyone’s a fan too.
TonyDiFrancisco Tony Di Francisco
Well done sirs! :Golfclap: @AddictedToQuack @SpittyP @CaseyMatthews55 @SPORTSbyBROOKS sbn.to/oqQDGD
The "Bill Simmons" of ATQ
Drop your console game controller and watch the effing movie!
If you don’t have Netflix, I’m pretty sure you could get it at a public library.
by DuckUntilDeath on Jul 15, 2011 5:28 AM PDT up reply actions
See now, I could drop the xbox controller
but that’s where I have netflix.
The "Bill Simmons" of ATQ
What the hell do you do with netflix if you haven't watched movies?
"What you are entrusted to do as a coach is to create an environment where your players have a chance to be successful." CHIP KELLY
by Famous Duck on Jul 15, 2011 11:46 AM PDT up reply actions
To be fair, there are a ton of Spongebob Squarepants DVDs. And if he's only got the 1 DVD at a time package, it's gonna be a while before he can get to anything else.
Our Acrobatics & Tumbling team can beat up your Acrobatics & Tumbling team.
Addicted to Quack, where Matt Daddy can't fall asleep unless a grown man in drag sings "Daisy Bell" to him.
by Takimoto on Jul 15, 2011 11:50 AM PDT up reply actions 2 recs
I just checked Netflix. "Pulp Fiction" is available for streaming.
You’re not an Amish kid on Rumspringa, are you?
by DuckUntilDeath on Jul 15, 2011 4:32 PM PDT up reply actions
I'm busy kicking ass with Darron Thomas and Co. right now
check back in a week.
The "Bill Simmons" of ATQ
EPIC WIN
Very well done. Especially the hilarious photoshop work, and the re-adaptation of the “path of the righteous man” quote
Old Guy Trojan fan defeatedly smoking a cig in the bathroom line @ the Coli during halftime:
"How DOES anybody stop you guys?!?!"
Me: Uhhhhhhh. er, well...
Go Ducks!
How on earth can you guys laugh at SportsByBrooks getting killed?
/SportsByBrooksFans
It's spelled "B-I-L-L-M-U-S-G-R-A-V-E-C-O-M-E-B-A-C-K"
"If Lache Seastrunk is the POTG against LSU, I will formally quit ATQ." - Axemen23 on 6/21/2011
Because the vast majority of Brooks site is rumor presented as fact.
Which, ironically, he is pissed at ESPN for doing with Bruce Feldman. It makes for very entertaining reading, just like the National Enquirer.
But no one with half a brain actually reads that shit for the truth. Just like SBB.
by Christian Ford on Jul 18, 2011 10:45 AM PDT up reply actions
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
Related FanPosts on Addicted To Quack
Related FanShots on Addicted To Quack
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Recent FanPosts
FanShots
Quick hits of video, photos, quotes, chats, links and lists that you find around the web.
Recent FanShots
