Through my multitude of connections within the Oregon athletic department, I was granted exclusive access to last night's Oregon coaches meeting, where the entire coaching staff sat down with AD Rob Mullens and gave their thoughts on the upcoming season. I now present to you, a transcription of that meeting. As a disclaimer, the language is unedited and quite colorful.
ROB MULLENS: Alright everyone, let's get started. Is everyone here?
MULLENS: Man, does he have that big of a work ethic?
RADCLIFFE: Not really. He just has trouble being in the same room as Coach Kelly, on account of the fact that Chip scares the crap out of him. That's why he's been a different coordinator the past couple years: he honestly believes that if the defense is bad, Chip will kick his ass.
MULLENS: It's a fair assumption. Ok well they can catch up once they get here. Jim, do you wanna get off the treadmill and have a seat?
RADCLIFFE: I'm good. I have a PowerBar.
MULLENS: Are you sure? This meeting might take a while.
RADCLIFFE: Nah, I'll be fine. I only got on this thing like ninety minutes ago.
MULLENS: Suit yourself. OK, well it's the week of the LSU game, and I just wanted to take the temperature of the program to see how we're all feeling about the season. Coach Kelly, we can start with you.
CHIP KELLY: I'd love to comment about that when the NCAA says we can.
MULLENS: Chip, I'm not talking about Willie Lyles. I want to know how you feel about the season, as a whole.
KELLY: Like I said, I'd love to talk about that, but I have to comply with NCAA rules.
MULLENS: Ugh, fine. Coach Helfrich, how about you?
MARK HELFRICH: To be honest Robby, I'm not really sure how this season is going to go.
MULLENS: Really? Why is that?
HELFRICH: I haven't really been paying attention.
MULLENS: ...you haven't been paying attention?
HELFRICH: Well...yeah. I mean, Coach Kelly calls the offensive plays, right? And Darron Thomas has been such a leader with the quarterbacks that I don't actually have to do much coaching there either.
MULLENS: So what HAVE you been doing?
HELFRICH: Have you read these Twilight books? They are phenomenal! I didn't really think I was going to like them at first, but man are they great! I'm hoping to finish New Moon on Saturday night in the press box. I hear that Cowboys Stadium has really great light for reading up there.
MULLENS: So you've spent all of fall camp reading books about vampires?
HELFRICH: No, not entirely. Whenever one of the coaches need something done, I'm their man. In fact, I just got back from Burrito Boy like an hour ago.
MULLENS: Well, that is enlightening. Anyone else have any thoughts? How about you Coach Frost?
SCOTT FROST: ...
MULLENS: Coach Frost?
TOM OSBORNE: He only answers if you call him "Scott Mothafuckin' Frost".
OSBORNE: Yeah, that started last fall sometime. We aren't really sure why.
MULLENS: ...OK fine. Scott Mothafuckin' Frost?
FROST: Oh whassup Mully, how you livin', dog? You know Scott Mothafuckin' Frost got some shit to say! What chu wanna know?
MULLENS: How are the wide receivers looking heading into the season?
FROST: Oh, we got some A-1, steak sauce motherfuckers out here for real! Shit, it's crazy. We got a tall-ass dude, and a few tiny-ass fast dudes, and even some tall AND fast dudes! This is most definitely a Tupperware situation.
FROST: We stay keepin' it fresh.
MULLENS: That's good to hear. I think. Moving on, how about you Coach Azzinaro?
JERRY AZZINARO: BARGARZSCHNIFACKINASHPLOZIGAXXENAGLEFROGNERONG!!
MULLENS: ...I'm sorry, what?
STEVE GREATWOOD: I'm sorry Rob, no one can understand what the hell Coach Azz is saying except the D-linemen. Can somebody go get a D-lineman to translate?
HELFRICH: I'm on it, Mr. Greatwood.
GREATWOOD: And Mark? Bring me back a lemon Fresca, would you?
HELFRICH: I don't think they have those in the vending machines.
GREATWOOD: Why are you making your problem, my problem?
HELFRICH: You're right. My bad. I'll send a D-lineman up right away sir.
MULLENS: OK, while we're waiting, why don't we hear from Coach Pellum?
DON PELLUM: Not right now, I got recruits on the phone and it's getting late.
MULLENS: Do you have Bluetooth headsets in both ears?
PELLUM: You can't be the #1 recruiter in the country by only using one ear, Rob. Ooh, I gotta take this, it's a three-star athlete from Texas.
CHIP KELLY: Did someone say Texas? You know we can't talk about that right now!
PELLUM: Calm down, Coach. You want a Corona? Let's get you a Corona. Where the hell is Helfrich?
GREATWOOD: I don't know, but if he comes back without my lemon Fresca, heads will fucking roll.
WADE KELIIKIPI: Somebody up here wanted to see me?
MULLENS: Yes Wade, thanks for coming. Coach Azz, can you say again what you told me earlier?
KELIIKIPI: Hahahaha Coach, you're hilarious! He just said that his unit is ready to take on anybody in the country, and then told this joke about the two muffins in an oven, have you heard that one?
MULLENS: Yeah, I've heard that one. It's great. Thanks Wade.
KELIIKIPI: No problem Mr. Mullens.
PELLUM: And if you see Helfrich, tell him Coach Kelly wants a Corona.
RADCLIFFE: And a protein shake for me!
FROST: And he can get me my usual.
KELIIKIPI: A Colt 45 tall boy and a pack of Swisher Sweets?
FROST: No doubt.
GREATWOOD: I swear to God, I would break someone's legs right now for a god damn lemon Fresca.
OSBORNE: Where's he going to get that drink, the Greek Isles?
KELLY: DID SOMEONE SAY LYLES? NO ONE FUCKING SAY LYLES GOD DAMNIT!
MULLENS: I think we're getting off track...
FROST: Oh shit! Look at these two fly motherfuckers that just walked in!
JOHN NEAL: You guys like my new suit? Coach Campbell helped me pick it out.
GARY CAMPBELL: That is the FINEST in Italian craftsmanship. Two buttons, with a silk vest and the thinnest pinstripe you can buy. And it took sixteen baby alligators to make those shoes.
NEAL: Yeah, I think it's pretty neat. It's really going to earn me some "street cred" with the players.
FROST: Oh, fa sho! Johnny Ballgame is lookin' STUPID gamerish!
MULLENS: Let's get focused here. Coaches, did you have any thoughts on the season?
CAMPBELL: Man, we have so many good backs we'll be impossible to stop.
NEAL: And once we get Cliff Harris back from suspension, we'll have the deepest secondary in the Pac-12.
MULLENS: Great, thank you.
CAMPBELL: That it? Cool. Come on John, let's go show off these now threads.
CAMPBELL: Hey, you used "word" correctly! Nice job!
NEAL: Thanks, I'm really starting to get the hang of that one.
HELFRICH: I'm back guys! Here's your Corona, Coach Kelly.
HELFRICH: And Coach Radcliffe, here's your protein bar.
RADCLIFFE: Took you long enough.
HELFRICH: And Scott, here are your malt liquor and cigars.
FROST: Pasty-ass bitch.
GREATWOOD: Where's my lemon Fresca?
HELFRICH: ...I'll be right back.