For those of you unaware, I'm as much a San Francisco Giants fan as I am an Oregon Ducks fan. And as I write this, I'm in the midst of basking in the drunken glory of a marvelous postseason comeback. And it makes me pine for this feeling for college football. The BCS is a lame duck championship system, but it's still ruling and stupid. The BCS Championship game is ultimately a failure because of its lack of narrative. Any professional playoff involves multiple rounds, multiple games, and ample to time to set the stage for drama. The BCS Championship? You make a few key drives and get some luck, and you get to hoist a trophy. Laaaaaaaame. A four-team playoff adds to the intrigue; you can root for who you want to play in the final, provided you win your first game. Impartial fans can consider the different matchups that can occur. Football isn't a sport that lends itself to series-long storyline, but anything is better than one game. Okay, off my BCS soapbox, and on to the real business: Colorado is bad, and should feel bad.
One of the main values of the Chip Kelly program philosophy is that every game means exactly the same: whether it's the BCS National Championship game, or a September tussle with Tennessee Tech, the team on the other side of the ball is just another nameless, faceless opponent, and the approach towards every game is exactly the same, no matter the stakes. As a head coach, it's a great strategy, provided your players buy in; in an ideal world, your team isn't intimidated by top-notch competition, and will never play down to the level of a lesser opponent. From an outlandishly biased blogger standpoint, it's crap, especially when it comes to the Colorado Buffalos.
To analogize this game, Autzen Stadium is the barrel, and Colorado is the fish; or perhaps Kenjon Barner is the Roadrunner, Colorado is Wile E. Coyote, and Boseko Lokombo is the Acme Company; any way you slice it, Oregon is the juggernaut, on their home turf. And while stranger things have happened in the course of human history, the overwhelming evidence says that the Ducks should have no problem dispatching the Buffs this Saturday. No matter what metric you use, be it advanced sabermetrics or the old-fashioned eye test, Oregon is favored by a bunch. So I present to you, a list of things that are more likely to happen next Saturday than a Colorado win over Oregon.
- Tim Tebow is named starting quarterback of the New York Jets.
- LeBron James Tweets something genuinely humble.
- I paint my living room walls.
- Lou Holtz pronounces a "sh" syllable without spitting on whatever is in front of him.
- Erin Andrews eats a booger in public. (Please note: I'm definitely inferring that Erin Andrews eats her boogers in the privacy of her home. Hot girls are the grossest.)
- Bruce Willis pilots a craft into space to blow up an asteroid the size of Texas, preventing it from destroying Earth.
- Nicolas Cage overpowers the country's most dangerous criminals, including Ving Rhames, and facilitates a plane's crash landing on the Las Vegas strip.
- West Virginia shuts out another football team in a regulation game. Any football team. Any one at all. There's got to be at least one Pop Warner team in America that couldn't even muster a touchdown against that mess.
- Someone invents a microwave that can decide for itself when a bag of popcorn is done popping. I'm tired of standing in front of my microwave for ninety seconds and counting to three every time I hear a single pop.It's taxing on my mind, and it's un-American.
- The men of America come out, en masse, in support of True Blood.
- Notre Dame beats Oklahoma in football.
- I suddenly develop a hankering for gin. And not the good stuff either. I'm talking Gilbey's, room temperature, in a coffee mug.
- Hangovers cease to exist. Instead, after a night of heavy drinking, men and women all over the globe wake up in the morning in their own bed, with an extra $10 in their wallet, and no sexually transmitted diseases of any kind. They go out to breakfast, it arrives hot and delicious, and they are able to finish the newspaper crossword in record time.
- Keith Price plays up to his potential.