Quack Fix: FREEDOM! Never forget the tyranny at the hands of ATQ South

Ezra Shaw

ATQ revisits the wrongs committed against us by our southern colonies in anticipation of this weekend's bloodbath in Berkeley.

Cal week is here, and our friends down at ATQ South have been unwavering in their submission. Yet, don't confuse a forced peace with true tranquility, we know the sentiment that brews underneath the surface. Lest you begin to feel merciful, let me remind you of the years of 2006-08, three years of crushing Cal victories in the series. And don't forget the great revolution, from whence the tides of history reversed, and the patrons of the California Golden Blogs became nothing more than our southern colonial front:

Addicted To Quack was claimed in the name of UC Berkeley on January 20, 2009, by California Golden Blogs. This led to a happy time. But, all empires inevitably run their course. Now it is time for LIBERTY!!! YARRRRR!!!!On the same evening, the 1st convention of of the Addicted To Quack Congress declared the following:

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the sporting ties which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all bloggers are created equal, that they are endowed by Peter Bean with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. Such is now the necessity which constrains Addicted To Quack to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Cal Golden Blogs (TwistNHook) is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over Addicted To Quack. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

With their presence, they did infect the fine name of Addicted To Quack with Rose Bowl envy, a malady brought upon by never seeing ones team win outright a football conference champion and take it's rightful place in the Rose Bowl Game, presented by AT&T.

With this Envy, they continued this complex with an undue amount of emphasis on "non-revenue" sports. While the fine denizens of Addicted To Quack respect the accomplishments of all athletic teams of the fine University, placing priority on lower-level athletics gives off the appearance of inferiority.

During occupation, the citizens of Addicted To Quack were subjected to all manor of inside jokes and mannerisms. However, this "Bearificiation" failed to contain the best of all UC Berkeley blogging traditions, the "Double Air E-Honk." (http://www.californiagoldenblogs.com/2009/1/13/720074/dbd-1-14-09-what-do-you-me). When it was presented, it was a shell of it's former self. It is an insult that the traditions were not passed on adequately.

CGB, in an act of torture in clear violation of the Geneva Conventions, used ATQ pagespace to terrorize citizens by subjecting them to heinous activities, such as "tennis," and "rugby."

The lower level citizens of CGB, instead of opening their arms to their brethren, instead decided to bring up bad blood by posting heinous pictures of events of which we shall not speak.

Cal Golden Blogs tried to export to the North, crappy beer, the so-called JDraft. This is totally unacceptable to our refined palates.

With these usurpations, Addicted To Quack must free itself from the tyrannical shackles of South, and take up arms!

Now, as we all know, this paper alone means nothing. We will go to war, if we must. But I come as an emissary, in peace. We do not this struggle to escalate. But we have the power to win our independence. While in the North, TwistNHook failed to secure the only weapon capable of defeating Addicted To Quack, "The Banhammer." While he slept, it was taken from him. With this weapon, we take back our autonomy, for the freedom of our women and children!

Also consider yourself fairly warned, I, Dave, have come back from his self-imposed exile to lead us in this battle. Blood will be shed, men will be lost, but should our deposed tyrant not retreat peacefully, I will not rest until I hold his scalp high above Strawberry Canyon.

Our warriors, under the guidance of general Kelly, head to Berkeley to end minor skirmishes along our southern colonial front. Justice will be swift and merciless. Onto the quack:

That's all the quack I've got this morning. GO DUCKS!

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