This meeting may have been a mistake. Luckily, I can get in my time machine and try this day over again. (Photo by George Frey/Getty Images)
LARRY SCOTT: OK guys, I've gathered you all here today because the mascots are the face of the Pac-12, and it's important to me to hear your input on both the short-term and long-term directions of the conference. First let's go around and introduce ourselves.
SPARKY: GREETINGS MORTALS! I AM SPARKY, THE SUN DEVIL, JESTER OF THE UNDERWORLD!
CHIP: Well hey there! I'm Chip the buffalo! My partner Ralphie couldn't be here today, since she's a live animal and really doesn't bring anything to the discussion. Great to be here!
DUCK: 'Sup. I'm The Duck. ESPN, national celebrity, hot tubs and Marissa Miller and all that blah blah blah does anybody else smell weed?
OSKI: Pay no attention to that junkie. He's the Tree, and I'm Oski. I made my debut in 1941, making me 71 years old. I'd like to thank Larry Scott for inviting us all to be here today. Would anyone care for a butterscotch candy?
WILBUR: Howdy ya'll, I'm Wilbur the Wildcat!
JOE: Heyyyyy everybody! I'm Joe Bruin, and I looooooooove to cheer!
DUCK: ...Are your eyebrows drawn on?
JOE: Well of course, silly! I don't get out of bed looking this good.
BENNY: Benny the Beaver is PSYCHED! Benny the Beaver has great ideas, and has been waiting for someone to listen to Benny the Beaver. That time is NOW!
HARRY: Greetings and salutations fellow fur enthusiasts! It's Harry the Husky, everyone's favorite ultra-lifelike anthropomorphized beast!
TROJAN: CHECK OUT MY SWORD!
/jams sword into conference table
BENNY: Jesus! What the fuck? You almost stabbed Benny the Beaver!
TREE: For real, man. Chill out.
TROJAN: BASK IN IT, DON'T AVERT YOUR EYES! OH, HOW IT GLISTENS!
DUCK: What a fucking nutjob.
WILBUR: This boy's crazier than a steer with a stiffy!
SCOTT: Seriously Trojan, you can go. We can't have outbursts like this in here, and your horse has shit everywhere in the lobby.
TROJAN: YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME! I HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS!
/leaves, out window
SCOTT: Sorry for that everyone, let's get back to business. Where is Butch?
CHIP: Last I saw he was in the hall. There was a chair in his way. I don't think he knew how to get around it.
SCOTT: Oh Christ. Can somebody go get Butch?
BENNY: Benny the Beaver will find and secure the cougar!
/leaves, goes wrong way
SCOTT: Is that everyone?
SWOOP: ONLY ONE REMAINS. A CHAMPION OF ALL THAT IS SPORT. NOT A MAN, BUT SOMETHING MORE. HE IS KNOWN AS...SWOOP!
/belays from ceiling, crashes through conference table
DUCK: Dude, what the fuck are you?
WILBUR: You gotta bird head, with a beaver tail, and yer team is called the Utes. Now that don't make no sense.
HARRY: It makes sense to me! In the fursuit community, some people choose to create a hybrid character for themselves. Two questions: are you going to Further Confusion this year, and does your fursona like to scritch?
BENNY: Benny the Beaver has captured the braindead Cougar!
BUTCH: Sorry guys. That chair was, like, right in the middle of the hallway. And THEN, I got to the door, and it didn't say whether I was supposed to push or pull! So naturally, I peed myself and waited for help.
OSKI: I used to have problems peeing myself. But then I found Depends. Would you like one? I have extras.
SPARKY: THIS TALK OF EARTH-DWELLING BODILY FLUIDS IS NONSENSE. I HAVE A SHRINK RAY!
SCOTT: OK everyone, let's get back on topic. What's your favorite aspect of the current Pac-12?
CHIP: Well, as a newcomer, I really like the sense of camaraderie amongst all the schools, even despite the constant competition.
OSKI: I like the commitment to tradition. Did you know that Idaho and Montana were once members of the old Pacific Coast Conference? I remember reading the box scores of those old games. We couldn't watch them on TV, you know, or even listen on the radio!
JOE: I like the uniforms. They're so colorful!
DUCK: Straight cash, homey.
SCOTT: Anyone else?
BUTCH: These sandwiches taste funny.
HARRY: That's a stapler.
WILBUR: I think he ate three of 'em.
BUTCH: My stomach feels pokey.
SWOOP: THIS BORES ME. I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE BASE JUMPING.
DUCK: Hey tree, you holding?
TREE: ........are you a cop?
SCOTT: Aaaaaaaand moving on. What kind of programming would you like to see featured on the Pac-12 Network?
SCOTT: There is no Pac-12 motocross.
SWOOP: NOT NECESSARY. I JUST WANT MOTOCROSS.
JOE: Men's swimming and diving, as much as possible.
BENNY: Benny the Beaver wants javelin. Javelin and the hammer throw. Javelin, the hammer throw, and Stephen Paea lifting weights.
OSKI: Whatever you do, can you make sure the on-screen graphics are large print?
WILBUR: How hard would be it to get those Blue Collar Comedy Tour fellas?
SPARKY: Normal sports programming, but the audio would be out of sync from the video! People would be driven MAD! CHAOS WOULD REIGN, AND MY MINIONS WOULD RISE UP FROM THE UNDERWORLD!
TREE: I agree with the giant man-bird thing. Motorcycles. Motorcycles and robots. Directed by Michel Gondry. Music by Skrillex and Dave Matthews Band. Does anybody have any water? I'm cottonmouthing like a motherfucker over here.
SCOTT: Oh Christ...OK, well this is going nowhere, so let's wrap it up. I'd like everyone to describe your vision for a perfect Pac-12, in one word.
OSKI: Cream of Wheat.
DUCK: Kanye. Fuckin' Kanye, right?
BENNY: Benny the Beaver's word is Broadsword!
TREE: Have you guys ever wondered how they get the air in these buildings? I mean, I've never seen a pump or a truck or anything. It's just like, there's no building, and then there's a building with air in it. That's fuckin' crazy.
BUTCH: Can someone take me to the hospital? All those sandwiches made me feel funny, and I'm bleeding from my abdomen. I don't remember ever bleeding from my abdomen before. I don't think it's a normal thing to have happen. Now how do I get this door open?