EUGENE, OR - SEPTEMBER 1: De'Anthony Thomas #6 of the Oregon Ducks rushes for a touchdown in the second quarter against the Arkansas State Red Wolves on September 1, 2012 at Autzen Stadium in Eugene, Oregon. (Photo by Craig Mitchelldyer/Getty Images)
For your reading pleasure, a transcript of the Fresno State defensive coaching staff's initial game film session. Don't worry about accuracy, ATQ's official stenographer is one of the best in the business. He's the Kellen Moore of typing: shoots finger guns, looks like a horse, no shot at an NFL career.
Head Coach Tim DeRuyter: OK guys, that was a solid win last week over Weber State, on both sides of the ball. But we've got a big test this week with Oregon. They've got a renowned offense, but replacing Darron Thomas and LaMichael James is a big task, so we might have a shot. Let's start the tape.
Defensive Coordinator Nick Toth: OK, so Kenjon Barner is starting. He's a very good back, though maybe not as explosive as LaMichael-okay, well he almost took that to the house. That looked fast.
Secondary Coach Tim McDonald: New quarterbacks usually come with opening game jitters, so let's not read too much into-well alright, that pass was crisp and on target. Hmm. Might be a fluke, let's see what happens.
Defensive Line Coach Pete Germano: Okay, there's a sack! Maybe this team isn't perfect after all
DeRuyter: OK, here's a third and fifteen. Let's see how the kid reacts.
McDonald: ...well that was a nice pass. In rhythm, on time, where only the receiver could catch it. We should probably get some more of those sacks. That worked way better.
Germano: He's making a fool out of those linebackers.
Toth (also the linebackers coach): Yeah yeah yeah, look at the lack of penetration on the defensive line! It's not all the linebackers' fault.
Germano: It isn't the D-Line's fault either! They dropped seven into coverage, they should have been able to stop five receivers!
Toth: I hate your mom, she's a shitty cook!
DeRuyter: Guys guys guys! Settle down! This is exactly what Oregon wants: for us to turn against each other! We must remain a team! Solidarity! OK, they just scored a touchdown. That drive was efficient as hell. Let's watch the PAT.
Germano (also the special teams coordinator): ...Okay, WTF was that S? Seriously, what the fuck was that shit?!?!
DeRuyter: I have no idea. There were seven guys on one side, and then the punter threw to a defensive end on the other side.
Toth: Well that should be easy right? We just move another guy to that side.
McDonald: Yeah, but then they toss to the other side and run behind all those blockers. Or they direct snap to that side, and pass back to the middle. Or they snap to the middle and just run it in.
Germano: NOT YOU TIM! DON'T YOU FUCK WITH ME!
DeRuyter: GOD DAMNIT! Everyone calm the fuck down! It's one drive. Let's see what the next one looks like.
ONE DRIVE LATER...
McDonald: Fuck fuck fuck
DeRuyter: Hey now, Arkansas St. committed two personal fouls on that drive. Our guys will be much more disciplined, right?
AFTER THE FIRST QUARTER...
McDonald: I'm so god damn tired. Even watching that offense is exhausting.
Germano: Did they really just score 29 points in a quarter?
Toth: Yes. Yes they did.
Germano: Mariota had one incompletion. One. One damn incompletion.
McDonald: He didn't look like a freshman. He looked like Joe Namath.
DeRuyter: Alright, alright. Yes. The Ducks look really good. Like, really, really good. But this is not over! We have talent on offense, enough talent to hang around with the Ducks if we execute. And our run defense has the potential to slow down this attack!
Germano: Aw Jesus, they just scored again.
DeRuyter: FOCUS! As long as we set the example for our players, we can instill confidence that can lead us to victory!
Toth:...and it's 43-3. Good lord, how does he change direction without slowing down? He looks like fucking Iron Man out there!
DeRuyter: AS I WAS SAYING! Victory, which is not impossible. It will be tough. We will have to coach better than ever before, and our players will have to play better than ever before. But we can do it, right guys?
McDonald: 50-3! Are you kidding me? Pass the Macallen, it's gonna be a shit week.
Germano: I can't feel my face. This game has actually caused me to lose feeling in my face...I'm so scared.
DeRuyter: ...god damn you Chip Kelly.