Thank you all for coming today. I know this decision has kept some people frantically checking Twitter (@takimoto23x), attempting to gauge my inklings one way or the other. And now that Chip Kelly, Mark Helfrich, Bryan Bennett, and Anthony Wallace have made their decisions about next season, it's time I went public with mine.
As many of you may be aware of, my name has been mentioned for a number of high-level jobs. With the record-number of job openings in the field of editorial sports journalism, there have been dozens of talented journalists thrown around as candidates, and to mentioned in the same breath with writers like TwistNHook, AndyPanda, and Gekko Mojo is just an honor.
My first interview was with ESPN; the Worldwide Leader was looking for fresh faces to start a brand-wide movement back towards pure sports commentary, as opposed to devoting five minutes per Sportscenter to Lebron's Twitter account. And as much of a challenge as it would be to build an all-new endeavor from the ground up, it just didn't feel like the right time to embark on something that major. And besides, do I really want to work for a media outlet that won't let me call somebody a cornball brother if I feel it topical and necessary*?
The Arizona Cardinals called and offered me their head coaching vacancy. I told them I had no football coaching experience, and in fact have no organized football experience of any kind. They told me that wasn't a problem. I asked if they were still the Arizona Cardinals. They said they were. I thanked them for their time and hung the fuck up.
Al Jazeera called with an offer, and at first, I was very excited. They just purchased Current TV, and are trying to build some sort of positive image in America; could they want me to help lead their sports division? As it turns out, no. They wanted me to move to Qatar, blog in Arabic, and passionately hate Americans. And there's no way I'm moving to Qatar, or blogging in Arabic. Hating Americans? Sure, easy, I do that every day. But the other two things? Deal breakers.
Some newspaper from New York called, I forget which one. The Times maybe? Is that a thing, the New York Times? Anyway, they wanted me to write for their daily paper edition. Come on guys, print media? You think I'm gonna leave this blog for some dead industry? Please.
I received an offer from the Huffington Post, but its job offer looked exactly like the front page of their website, and I have a terrible and crippling allergy to giant headlines. I broke out in hives, my throat swelled up, and I went blind for about 45 minutes. After I woke up in the hospital, I had a nurse transcribe my rejection letter, and boy, was it drug-influenced. Here's an excerpt:
You know I always wanted to race camels. YEAH! YEAH TOTALLY! Come on, with the humps and the sand and the spitting? You know they don't alternate their legs when they run. Oh yeah, fucking same side and shit. Penguins of the desert. I wonder why they don't just use camel hump fat instead of Botox. Camel hump fat has to be more pliable then Botox. Can you eat camel hump fat? Does it taste like other animal fats, or is it pretty tasteless since its predominantly used as a water substitute? Are there any Popsicles I can have, like, right now? Orange maybe, or strawberry. The kind with the actual fruit in them. I mean, I'm not picky, I'll take one of the fake ones that looks like Spongebob with the gumball nose. But the kind with the real fruit would just be top notch, top notch. OH SHIT, SMOOTHIES! Never mind, fuck Popsicles, 2013 is the year of smoothies! God damn brilliant. I wonder why we stopped at five fingers. Would a sixth become unwieldly? What about a second thumb, on the other side? Would that just be overkill? We really have to go free all the whales from Sea World.
This went on for 30,000 words. Point, made, and with authority.
I listened to every offer presented to me with an open mind and the thought that I could potentially flourish elsewhere. But I think it's best for me and for my family that I remain a part of the Addicted to Quack team. Both the blog, and I, have come a long way since I started here in 2008, but there is still work to be done. I've explored the world, and found that there really is no place out there like ATQ.
*Naturally, I'm joking here. I would never call someone a cornball brother in public.