USA TODAY Sports
IN WHICH THE AUTHOR FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON. AND HEDGEHOGS. BABY ONES.
On Sunday, the Oregon Ducks introduced former offensive coordinator Mark Helfrich as the man to replace Chip Kelly. Five years ago, Mark Helfrich was the offensive coordinator of a Colorado team that went 2-6 in Big XII play. Three weeks ago, Chip Kelly led Oregon to its fourth straight BCS bowl, and saved a village of orphans and baby hedgehogs from a flash flood. Helfrich? 2-6. Kelly? Saves baby hedgehogs. Come on, no contest. Have you seen baby hedgehogs? God damn adorable, and a hell of a lot better than losing 58-0 to Missouri. TO REVIEW: CUTE-ASS BABY HEDGEHOGS > LOSING TO MISSOURI BY A GAZILLION POINTS
Remember the last time Oregon hired an offensive coordinator with no head coaching experience? A guy got punched. Right in his stupid face. Punched hard and quick, right in the middle of his dumb-dumb face. And how long did it take that coach to win one lousy bowl game, three years? What's it gonna be this time, human trafficking and another BCS title game loss? I WILL NOT SUPPORT A COACH THAT WILL SUCK THE UNIVERSITY OF OREGON INTO THE CLANDESTINE AND TWISTED BUSINESS OF SELLING OTHER HUMAN BEINGS, AND ALSO LOSING TO AUBURN SOME MORE.
Chip Kelly was known for his signature visor. Mark Helfrich has made it clear that he will not be wearing a visor, and if his past is any indicator, he'll be opting for a baseball cap instead. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, MARK HELFRICH?CHIP KELLY FLASHES THE TOP OF HIS HEAD FOR ALL TO SEE! TRANSPARENCY! WHAT'S UNDER THAT HAT HELFRICH, SANCTIONS!??!? IT DEFINITELY ISN'T BABY HEDGEHOGS, THAT'S FOR SURE!! ALL I WANT OUT OF AN OREGON HEAD COACH IS WINNING ALL THE GAMES BY THIRTY POINTS, AND BABY EFFING HEDGEHOGS, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?
And only one day after Helfrich takes the job, quarterback Bryan Bennett, who previously stated his intentions to stay at Oregon, announced his immediate transfer to Southeastern Louisiana. Let me get this straight: a Pac-12-caliber quarterback, who led Oregon to multiple wins in 2011, would rather spend the next two years of his life in Hammond, Louisiana than playing for Helfrich? LOUISIANA. SOUTHEASTERN LOUISIANA. FOR TWO YEARS. SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTY DAYS. THAT'S BASICALLY FOREVER, AND MARK HELFRICH IS SOMEHOW WORSE. WORSE THAN TWO YEARS OF LIVING IN FEAR OF SWIFT ALLIGATOR DEATH. SOUNDS GREAT, I CAN'T WAIT FOR NEXT SEASON. IT'LL BE LIKE GETTING EATEN FEET-FIRST BY ALLIGATORS, ONLY WORSE. SOUNDS LIKE A BLAST.
The last two Oregon head coaches before Mark Helfrich were also promoted from offensive coordinator. In that time, between 1994 and 2012, how many national titles have been won by the Ducks? ZERO. What is supposed to make us think this infallibly misguided move will work this time? THERE IS NO EVIDENCE TO SUGGEST THAT OREGON CAN WIN A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP UNDER MARK HELFRICH. NONE WHATSOEVER. AT LEAST WE DON'T HAVE TO HOPE ANYMORE, RIGHT DUCK FANS? WHAT A LOAD OFF ALL OUR BACKS, THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THINKING WE CAN WIN A TITLE.
But there is a solution! We still have time to salvage the program! Let's ditch this Helfrich guy and get a coach with national championship pedigree, years of experience coaching at the highest level, and an utter disdain for alligators, human trafficking, and stifling baby hedgehogs from flourishing into precious, precious adulthood. And I know just the man for the job.