Tako Tuesdays: American College Football, an International Game

Peter Casey-USA TODAY Sports

In which everybody takes their shirts off, and Dabo Swinney tries to understand a room full of Scotsmen.

As was reported Monday, Oregon will forego their formerly-scheduled 2013 game with Nevada, and instead begin a home-and-home series with Virginia; the Ducks will travel to Charlottesville in September, and the Cavaliers will trek to Autzen in 2016. It's awesome news if you live in the Virginia area, and not-so-awesome news if you live in Reno-Tahoe, but this is not an earth-shattering maneuver. However, this little nugget turned up in a statement made by Virginia executive associate athletic director Jon Oliver:

"We initiated a conversation with Oregon about a potential game in 2017 in Europe. As the conversation progressed it became clear we might have an opportunity to initiate a series in 2013 starting in Charlottesville. We saw that as a great opportunity for our program and our fans."

Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? Did he say a potential game in Europe? Europe. Like, the continent? Way the fuck over there? Europe. Seriously?


My first question: is this still happening? Because it should. Nothing is more preposterous than Oregon and Virginia travelling to Europe to play a football game.

My second question: where in Europe would this game take place? Europe's pretty big. Location would make a bit of a difference. London? Not impressed. They've been hosting NFL games there for years, so the novelty of an American football game wouldn't put people in seats. Same goes for any city with an NFL Europe team, which are...

/Googles "NFL Europe"

There hasn't been an NFL Europe since 2007? What kind of world am I living in?!?

My vote: Amsterdam. It's a tourist destination, it's got a kickass stadium, and what better place to attract the Northwest's finest than a place with legal marijuana? I'd also be okay with Zagreb, Croatia, because I've heard the country is beautiful, and it'd be a dream come true for the one die-hard Croatian Virginia Cavaliers fan. You know there's one. His Jameel Sewell Fathead is the centerpiece of his living room.

Clearly, college football around the world is an idea that needs to explored. A short list of games that should be schedule immediately:

  • South Carolina vs. Washington State (Nassau, The Bahamas) - Mike Leach enters the pirate motherland, perhaps to never return, and Steve Spurrier will absolutely coach this game shirtless.
  • Oklahoma State vs. Clemson (Glasgow, Scotland) - This game doesn't even have to be played. All I really want is a press conference with Mike Gundy, Dabo Swinney, and a hoard of Scottish media.
  • Duke vs. Kentucky (Beijing, China) - Truthfact: basketball is huge in China. Like, hundreds of millions of people huge. With any luck, China knows about Duke and Kentucky basketball, and doesn't know that Duke and Kentucky football are generally awful. It's worth a shot.
  • LSU vs. Arizona (Stockholm, Sweden) - I can't wait for my Scandanavious Mingo Twitter account to blow up. Also, I'm 100% sure jambalaya made with reindeer sausage is exquisite, and Rich Rodriguez in an area with an average fall temperature of 45 degrees makes me giggle.
  • Army vs. Navy (Pyongyang, North Korea) - 'Murica.
  • Michigan vs. Kansas (Munich, Germany) - Hitting theaters this holiday season, it's the madcap comedy Charlie Weis and Brady Hoke Go to Oktoberfest! Spoiler alert: heart attacks.
  • Boston College vs. Ohio State (Macau, China) - The last college football program to experience a gambling scandal faces off in the gambling capital of Asia against Art Schlicter's alma mater. There's a definite chance this trip ends with Urban Meyer taking a medical leave of absence. And by "a medical leave of absence", I mean "antibiotics". And by "antibiotics", I mean "that won't do shit for herpes".
  • BYU vs. Florida (Kampala, Uganda) - If anybody can help stop rampant government corruption and human rights atrocities, it's a bunch of Mormons, and dudes in Tim Tebow jerseys. It's foolproof!
  • Stanford vs. Cal (Geneva, Switzerland) - They're two of the top schools in the world when it comes to physics, so what better place to hold a game than at the Large Hadron Collider.
  • Arizona State vs. Miami (Bangkok, Thailand) - This game needs its own reality show. All I know is, somebody's getting pregnant.
  • Colorado vs. TCU (Cusco, Peru) - You haven't truly smoked weed until you've smoked it at 10,000 feet elevation. The alpaca beanies and rosted guinea pig are icing on the cake. Damn, where could we get some cake, like right now?
  • Texas A&M vs. Notre Dame (Rio De Janiero, Brazil) - Johnny Manziel, Tommy Rees, and a whole city filled with bikini-clad Brazilian chicks? What could possibly go wrong?
With college football's marketability on the rise, it's time to go global. I put it to you, NCAA: are you going to stand idly by while Steve Spurrier is forced to wear a shirt on the sidelines, or are you going to act?*

*It's the NCAA, so they're definitely not going to act.

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