FanPost

Why Oregon will never win a national championship.

Thought I'd save them the trouble:

1) Oregon never won anything. And no, the Rose Bowl isn’t anything. Ain’t nothing. Whatever. If it mattered, the SEC would be playing in it.

2) Oregon has never played in a National Championship game. Unless you count that Auburn game. Which I don’t. Auburn was the worst defense in the SEC that year. And if you’re going to say Auburn beat every other SEC team, then I say SHUT UP.

3) Auburn dominated Oregon in that game anyway. Yes, a last second field goal victory is domination. Unless it’s between two SEC teams. Then it is an instant classic, an example of big boy football.

4) Florida State has a tradition reaching back into last century. Oregon has no tradition. Tradition wins championships.

5) Eugene smells like weed.

6) Oregon has never beat an SEC team. Unless you count Tennessee. Which I don’t. They’re a bottom feeder. And they only took Georgia to overtime because Georgia was playing their 8th string and SHUT UP. Morans.

7) Oregon has never beat an ACC team. Unless you count Virginia. Which I don’t.

8) Even half-blind, Winston is twice as good as Mariota. That means if he wore contacts, he’d be four times as good. Humility keeps him from doing so.

9) Alabama has been winning championships since the Boxer Rebellion. (Ed. note: I’ve just been told there was some Chinese thing called the Boxer Rebellion. It’s China. Who cares. I was referring to the Boxer Rebellion in Tuscaloosa in 1921, when the guys who made the boxes for Grits n’ Gravy went on strike demanding two days off a month and a 50 cent a week salary. We brought in the Pinkertons and showed those welfare queens. This is America. We work for a living. Fucken Socialists.)

10) Oregon would be in last place if they played in the SEC. This is fact, not opinion. They lost to Vanderbilt in 1842.

11) Oregon players are small. In fact, no Oregon players have ever made the NFL, let alone the Hall of Fame. Or the CFL, which is like Arena Football with the wrong national anthem.

12) Every SEC player, past and present, is in the NFL.

13) All Oregon players have syphilis. Syphilis is the most gimmicky of all venereal diseases. Gonorrhea is tradition, ergo Oregon has no tradition and tradition wins championships.

14) Mariota has already lost two games. AJ McCarron has only lost one. Unless you count LSU. Which I don’t. That was a three-point game. Basically a tie. Unlike what Auburn did to Oregon.

15) America is God’s favorite country. The SEC is real America. And real America loves God. Oregon is full of libtards who hate God and America. God hates you back. That’s why it rains so much. If you loved God, you’d play in the SEC. Where you’d get beat every week.

16) If Oregon players were good, they would be playing in the SEC. They’re not. They play at Oregon. Proof: Johnny Manziel left Oregon because he knew it couldn’t contain his greatness and the competition offered no challenge.

17) 20/34, 250 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT. Or to put it shorter: LOSER.

18) Your quarterback is from Hawaii. Hawaii isn’t even a real state. Obama is "from" Hawaii. Draw your own conclusions.

19) Stanford beat Oregon. Utah beat Stanford. Oregon State beat Utah. Eastern Washington beat Oregon State. Saint Mary’s School for One-Legged Girls beat Eastern Washington. Therefore…wait. What?

20) The SEC has been playing real football better than everyone for 6,000 years, which, coincidentally, is the same age as the earth.

21) Every time Oregon has faced a true test, they’ve failed. (Note: the only measure of a true test comes after a game. Any game referred to as a true test before a game in which Oregon actually wins obviously wasn’t a true test.)

22) Oregon’s mascot is a duck. The SEC has real mascots. Bulldogs, Tigers, Cocks, The Commodores. And everyone loves Lionel Ritchie. He has the voice of an angel.

23) Crimson Tide is not a reference to that monthly seepage from a woman’s lady parts, which is the work of the devil. It’s a reference to, well, I don’t know, but it’s awesome.

24) Kentucky would win the Pac-12.

25) Blah, blah, blah, Phil Knight. Getting 40 million from one alumni is cheating. Getting 60 million from 100 alumni is tradition. And tradition wins championships.

26) Fucken Stanford.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of SB Nation or the Addicted To Quack Moderators. FanPost opinions are valued expressions of opinion by passionate and knowledgeable Oregon fans.

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