Tako Tuesdays: A Meeting with the Godfather

Jeffrey G. Pittenger-USA TODAY S

It isn't personal, Pharaoh. It's strictly business.

Before you read this, first press PLAY on this:

The God Father Theme Song (via iraqipride13)

Now you're ready.

*****

I believe in Oregon football.

Oregon football has made my fortune, and I have led this team in an Oregon fashion. I gave them offense, but told them never to overlook an opponent. She played Stanford; not a spread team, but I didn't protest. My Ducks gave them fumbles, and they gave them touchdowns. Then we went to Arizona, and they ran all over us. Arizona beat us, like an animal. When I saw them after the game, their national title hopes were broken; their BCS dreams shattered.

Then a snowstorm hit Eugene. Our players wanted to let off some steam. They tubed down a hill. They threw snowballs in the locker room. And they came together with students on-campus for a fun snowball battle. Unfortunately, the festivities got out of hand. A University professor was harassed and hit with snow, players were part of the mob, and it was caught on videotape. There was public outcry, and some backlash against the players. And so I said to Rob Mullens, "For guidance, I must turn to Chip Kelly."

Why come to me now? Why not come to me after Stanford, or after Josh and De'Anthony were ambivalent about the Rose Bowl?

I didn't want to get into trouble.

I understand. You're the head coach, making your own way, carving your own path. You wanted to try and handle the team on your own, and not turn to the man who suspended his starting running back for eight games and still won the Pac-12, who kicked his starting quarterback off the team following the Rose Bowl and went to the national championship game, and who suspended a future Rose Bowl MVP for a whole season for one DUI. But you come to be now and say, "Chip Kelly give me guidance." But you don't ask with respect. Let's face it, you were afraid of my show-cause penalty.

What do you want from me? Tell me anything.

I want you to act like a man! What's the matter with you? You're worried about a snowball fight? My team just ran for over 300 yards, against Ndamukong Suh and Nick Fairley, in a blizzard! What is this nonsense? Ridiculous.

Mark, are you spending time with your hot tub?

Of course.

Good. Because a man who doesn't spend time with his hot tub can never be a real man. You look terrible. I want you to eat, and rest a while. Here's what you'll do. You'll suspend one player for the bowl game.

That seems harsh.

It sends a message. I suspended Kiko Alonso for an entire season after getting caught driving drunk. At other programs, that gets a player a stern talking-to and a couple extra up-downs. I did it to send a message. So you'll suspend a player to send a message. My guy had a unique and headline-grabby first name. Anybody like that involved in this story?

Well, there's Pharaoh Brown.

Perfect. He's your guy.

But won't he be disappointed in missing the bowl game?

Oh no, we wouldn't want to give the young and immensely talented tight end any extra motivation to succeed on the field and in the classroom, eventually propelling him to a Rose Bowl MVP and an NFL career. That sounds terrible.

Okay. I think I understand. And this will fix everything?

Well not everything. Your linebackers need seasoning, and your offensive playcalling is a mess. Mariota coming back will help a lot though. And thank God, because I was sure the Giants were gonna end up getting him somehow. And I do NOT want to have to play him twice a year for the next decade.

Thank you Chip, you understand everything.

Mark. One last thing. A time will come when I will call upon you to do a service for me. That service will most likely be to make me one of those paninis you used to make me when you were offensive coordinator. I miss those paninis, Mark, I really do. I am so god damn sick of cheesesteak, you don't even realize. Freakin' cheese whiz coming out my ears over here.

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