Today is Christmas Eve, for you simpletons that subscribe to the notion that arboreal genocide, blatant consumerism, and binge eating are to be celebrated. You probably still have shopping to do, don't you? Jeez, what's your deal? You think your relatives like getting drugstore beanies and tropical Skittles every year? I mean, they probably do, that sounds fantastic. NOT THE POINT, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SUCKS!
More important than Christmas Eve, today is the day after Festivus, the holiday that celebrates the true meaning of the season: expressing your displeasure at anything and everything around you. It's called the Airing of Grievances, and it's one of the centerpieces of any good Festivus celebration. And since none of you came to the Festivus celebration I threw last night, we'll start there. Did you think I cooked a whole chicken, four cups of kale, and two packs of Starburst so I could eat it by myself? No! You were supposed to show up, and you didn't. And now I've got a dozen yellow Starbursts in my house. What am I supposed to do with those, eat them? Gross. Shame on you.
But you degenerates aren't the only ones who have wronged me this year. A great many things have gone wrong in Tako's life, and I'm calling all of it out today, so get comfortable.
- Chip Kelly: You owe me nine days of my life, you sonofabitch. First you're leaving, then you're staying, then you leave. To quote famous entrepreneur Big Worm, you playin' with my emotions! Lulled into a false sense of security, then dropped off a cliff. Some friend you are. I love you forever, but that was a dick move.
- Ed Dickson and Haloti Ngata: You beat my 49ers in the Super Bowl, and it made me very sad. Don't do that again.
- Oregon baseball: Really guys?! A national seed and you can't even get out of the regional round? Underachieving in the postseason tournament; who do you think you are, Duke?
- Iron Man 3: You were not a very good movie, for no reason at all. You have Iron Man, Don Cheadle, Ben Kingsley, and an unlimited budget for explosions and shit. So why were you bad?
- De'Anthony Thomas: A buddy of mine bet me before the season started that, by the bowl game, Byron Marshall would have more touchdowns than you. That sounded like the easiest money imaginable, provided you don't get hurt, miss a month, and then come back and be simply pretty good. Well now I look like the jerk for betting against Byron Marshall, and you're probably gonna head to the NFL. Everybody wins, in the sense that only you win. Thanks.
- Steve Sarkisian: I had high hopes for you Sark, I really did. You could have been the guy to get Washington back to a major bowl game, or to defeat Oregon for the first time since 2003 (3706 days and counting). But alas, a 4-4 finish to the season got you a trip to the Kraft Fight Hunger bowl, and you hated that idea so much you bolted for USC. I expected much better from you.
- Chris Petersen: You spend years deflecting away coaching rumors, batting away any potential move to a big-conference team, waiting for just the right job. And that job is Washington. Humph.
- Kashi's version of Cheerios: You taste like what I imagine a scratch-and-sniff sticker of a honeybee tastes like, and I'm never buying you again.
- Colt Lyerla: Come on man, get it together. This is beyond football, this is a "be a functioning member of the human race" kind of plea. Clean up and find a path for yourself, please.
- California Golden Bears football: I can see your stadium from my apartment. You're my easiest access to live college football. Can you not suck so bad next year? Good lord you were terrible. Oh yeah, I was at the Portland State game. I had Oregon-Virginia on on my phone, and attracted a good 4-5 other Cal fans who would rather stare at a tiny screen than watch the life-size shitty football right in front of them. You lost to Colorado for crying out loud. Yikes.
- Oregon's defense: Don't think I'd forget about you. That Arizona game? What a mess. Get your mind right and don't ever give up 40+ again.
- Anyone who mashes up country/folk with electronic music: Mostly talking to you, Avicii, and your upsetting monstrosity of a techno-pop hit, but let's just nip this in the bud right now before it spreads. No one is ever going to do better than "Cotton Eye Joe", so let's not even try.
- Pharaoh Brown: THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE SNOWBALL FIGHTS ANYMORE!
- Phil Knight: I get it, you can't control the world without having strength in all its regions. I've played risk, I know how your game works. You've already got the Americas, now attack Eurasia from two fronts, sweep through Africa for those extra troops, and then it's war of attrition vs. Australia time. But do you have to roll tide two days after Oregon falls out of the national title race? That hurt.
- The whiny-ass doomsday posters on ATQ: The sky is not falling, Mark Helfrich is not an abject failure, this team is not better off without De'Anthony Thomas, and Oregon is not undersized on the defensive line. Once and for all, cram it.
- The Pac-12 conference: Don't get me wrong, the Alamo Bowl is a fine destination. But for the second best team in the second best conference in football? It lacks the prestige of a Cotton Bowl, or a January date like the Capital One or the Outback Bowl. And why so many games against the Big XII and Mountain West? Can we get a game against the SEC scheduled? Just one? It wouldn't even have to be one of the big ones. This year, it might have been Arizona-Vanderbilt. You'd watch that right? Or UCLA-Georgia, that sounds fun! Make this happen, for the benefit of everyone.
- Oregon football: Take it from someone who joined you on four straight non-BCS bowl trips from 2005-2008. They're fun and all, but headed to the big ticket bowls is just so much better. With the playoff in effect next year, there is ample chance for the Ducks to get back into the big picture of college football.