University of Oregon ASUO Successful in Campaign to Add More Student Tickets for 2013 Football Season.

Yes, LaMichael. We are shitting you. - Steve Dykes

The Autzen student section will add over 1000 seats beginning with the Nicholls State contest.

After concluding a contentious series of negotiations with the Associated Student of the University of Oregon (ASUO), the University of Oregon Athletic Department has agreed to add an additional 1052 seats to the Autzen Stadium student section for the 2013 season, making the total number an even 5,000 seats.

"We're overjoyed at the prospect of being able to fill more Autzen Stadium seats with drunk students who know little about the game of football," ASUO Senator Ben Bowman said. "We averaged 1.5 projectile vomit incidents a game last season, and we're hoping the influx of tickets will help add to the infectious and inappropriate atmosphere."

The process of adding more student tickets to the mix began in the fall of 2011 after repeated overloading of the the servers used for online ticket distribution led to riots outside the Casanova Center and a shortage of Pabst Blue Ribbon at area 7-11 stores.

The student government then submitted a proposal to Athletic Director Rob Mullins to increase the allotted number of student tickets, arguing that the overall game atmosphere would improve more riled-up students and fewer disconnected alumni in the stands.

From the ASUO release:

One of the biggest complaints we've heard from students at our senate meetings is that they feel shunned by the AD, sent to the back of the line when it comes to seats at games, free giveaways, and other paraphernalia.

After they refused to bail us out of our wild and illogical rhetoric towards the Oregon Athletic Bands and their funding, we decided as the 2012-13 senate that it was time we reminded them who really runs this place.

When asked whether the abrupt agreement signaled a transfer of power to the ASUO, Senior Athletic Director of Communications Craig Pintens said that the students simply overpowered the University of Oregon with their logic and sustained arguments.

"We came into this meeting expecting another session of pleading for assistance cleaning up their mess, but instead they came to us with a level-headed, reasonable proposal," Pintens said. "It was impossible not to give in to their demands, they just overwhelmed us with charm and superior knowledge."

Another Athletic Department source, speaking anonymously for fear of losing her job, did acknowledge that while students will be happy to have the extra tickets in hand, the Athletic Department will have to find a way to deal with those who will lose their tickets as a result of the increased student capacity.

"We're still working out the details, but obviously 1000 fans will be unhappy at the prospect of losing their tickets," she said.

"We're planning on it being a lottery, drawing random seat locations, and those people will unfortunately lose their right to those seats," she added, emphasizing that those with "Autzen Club" tickets would be exempt from the drawing.

Upon hearing the news, students had a variety of ideas for how to pay off those who will lose their football tickets.

"Why don't they just take basketball tickets away from the students and give them to those who lose their football tickets? That way they still get to see a major Oregon sport," a student in line at Caspian said.

"The student population has seats that are basically court-side, and they don't fill them up for most games," senior-emeritus Thomas Kyle-Milward added. "Why not just give those to the donors instead!"

Myself, I think that as long as each person who loses their football ticket gets one of these, they won't have any problems watching at home.

Also, this is a April Fool's day joke and should be treated as such.

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