Quack Fix: DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION

An inside source at the NSA has given ATQ some leaked recordings from the NCAA. We have an exclusive on what punishment for the Ducks is about to be handed down

Emmert: Woodward, who are the worst fans in the Pac 12?

Woodward: That would be hard to say sir. They're each outstanding in their own way...

Emmert: Cut the horseshit son, I've got SBN Legal disciplinary files right here. Who celebrated when their team won the last game in husky stadium before it was torn down? Who rubs the husky's nose in 9 straight years of victories? Every January their blogs are filled with BCS wins and every fall the comments turn green.

Woodward: You're talking about the Ducks, sir.

Emmert: Of course I'm talking about the Ducks, you twerp! This year it's going to be different. This year we're going to grab the Ducks by the bill and kick those punks off their streak.

Woodward: What do you intend to do sir? The Ducks are already on probation.

Emmert: They are?

Woodward: Yes sir.

Emmert: Then as of this moment, they're on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!

Woodward: Double secret probation sir?

Emmert: There is a little known by-law in the NCAA handbook, which gives the President unlimited power to preserve order in time of husky emergencies. Find me a way to give the Ducks the death penalty. Your schools are next door, put Sarkisian on it, he's a sneaky little shit just like you, right? The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.

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