'Twas The Night Before Sanctions

Tyler Kaufman-US PRESSWIRE

I somehow ended up in the wildest dream of a husky fan.

'Twas the night before sanctions, and all through Seattle

Dawg fans were abuzz with astonishing prattle

Their eyes were all glued to Dawgman with care

In hopes that breaking news soon would be there

The husky faithful were snug in their beds

As a decade vacated danced in their heads

And Tosh with his Xbox and Sark on his tail

Prepared to negative on the recruiting trail

Then from the depths of the Internet there arose such a clatter

I sprang from my chair with such vicious laughter

Away to the window I flew like a flash

And screamed to the world of the Emmert smash

The ruling was there, this wasn't a trick

I looked at the report and I read through it quick

To my delight the sanctions, they finally had came

And Emmert himself had called them by name

Now bowl ban, reductions, now fire Coach Campbell

Death penalty, banned boosters, the Ducks have dropped football

All players will transfer and play elsewhere this fall

And De'Anthony will head north, the first of them all

And then on the Twitter, I saw a big #woof

And I felt a tingling down in my hoof

As I drew in my head and was turning around

On the TV St. Emmert came with a bound

He was dressed in all purple from his head to his foot

And I thought his words were so eloquently put

And beautiful words emerged from his mouth

"We'll rid this organizations of programs uncouth"

His eyes--how they twinkled

His dimples--how merry

His droll little mouth was drawn up in a smirk

And I could sense Duck fans developing quirks

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of himself

Words of venomous fury spewed out of his head

And those ugly duckings had much to dread

He spoke many words, enjoying his work

He read all the charges, and turned with a jerk

From being good at football the Ducks would abstain

The border was closed, the Northwest ours again

Then he sprang from his podium, to his team gave a whistle

And away from the podium danced with a sizzle

But I heard him exclaim as he walked out of sight

"Happy Sanctions to all, and to all a good night"

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