Tako Tuesdays: Live From Addicted to Goat Headquarters

Kevork Djansezian

On behalf of the vacationing author, daisyduck, Kvak and lovemyducks81 bring you


2:00pm Tuesday – First official ATG staff Meeting; Executive Conference room, wherein our intrepid bloggers are suffering through their first painful bout of writer’s block…

Kvak: (pulling hair, mumbling to self) "So if Mark Helfrich was a goat, what kind of goat would he be?? Does Marcus Mariota like goat cheese?"

(Door slams, enter Daisy) Daisy: "Hey Kvak, we’re out of vodka in the employee lounge."

Kvak: "That’s because we drank it all at our Day 1 Go Live celebration yesterday. Oh, and this morning in the Bloody Marys for our Day 2 morning after Go Live celebration. I sent Musgrave out for more."

Daisy (drops head to table): "He’d better hurry the hell up. I can’t write without my muse."

Kvak: "Look, we need to get busy; this thing isn’t going to write itself. What do you think about a feature comparing DAT to a fleet footed mountain goat? We could call it ‘SEEN A GOAT’."

(Door slams, enter LMD81) LMD81: "We’re out of vodka."

Kvak/Daisy: "WE KNOW."

Kvak: "Musgrave went to get more."

LMD81: "Well there is only beer in there right now, and I’m not drinking beer."

Kvak: "I know, but look, we’ve got nothing for the site for tomorrow. We have to get something ready to post along with the Kvak Fix. What’ve you got LMD?"

LMD81 (staring out the window): "Are all of our meetings going to be at this time? Its the middle of peak tanning hours, you know."

Daisy: "What if we did an article on goat skin shoes?"

Kvak (stares at Daisy, looks to LMD): "What’ve you got LMD?"

LMD81 (drops head into hands): "I used all my best ideas for our Go Live yesterday. "

Daisy (leans over, whispers to LMD): "Your essay arguing the potential benefits of adding a capra aegagrus hircus archetype to the Star Wars lexicon was brilliant."

Kvak (slumps in chair): "You know, it doesn’t seem like it should be this hard. Do you think the ATQ mods have to work this hard?"

LMD81: "Speaking of ATQ, didn’t you think more of the regulars would drop by yesterday to comment on our first day?"

(Daisy purses lips, looks at ceiling)

LMD81: "What?"

Daisy: "Weeeelllllllllll….it’s possible I banned one or two of them."

Kvak/LMD81: "WHAT???"

Daisy: "WELL! IT’S NOT MY FAULT! THE POWER WENT TO MY HEAD! Besides, I only banned HRD. And Matt Daddy. And possibly Gorby, Dom, Dave, Benzduck, CaDuck, BGWM, Keeerrrttt1, The Ocean and St. Quack. Well, and grasshopper of course."

Kvak: "Jesus Christ, Daisy! Your banhammer is revoked. LMD, from now on you have sole banhammer privileges at ATG."

LMD81 (crazed look enters eyes, grabs her laptop) "Yeah, that’s cool Kvak. I’ll take care of it."

Kvak (stares bleakly at Google Image Search on laptop) "I can’t find one single brilliantly topical goat gif and we’re only on our 2nd day. This is a disaster. WHERE THE HELL IS MUSGRAVE WITH THE VODKA??"

Daisy: "Maybe I could get Ted Miller to do an interview with us. I could like, fly to Scottsdale and see if he thinks if Nick Aliotti would still use the 3-4 if he was defending against a herd of Australian Cashmere goats running the spread option.

Kvak (rolls eyes): "I’m pretty sure that would violate your restraining order."

Daisy (glumly): "Oh, right."

Kvak: "Besides, he’d clearly be better off using the 4-3; Australian Cashmeres are the SEC O-Line of domestic goats after all."

LMD81 (sits up straight): "You know, we should just make the intern write the articles for the rest of this week."

Daisy: "Good god LMD that is brilliant! I knew you weren’t the Smart Girl for nothing."


(Door slams, enter Grasshopper)

Grasshopper: "Yes boss?"

LMD81: "You need to write something. Now."

Grasshopper (bewildered): "Er, okay. What should I write?"

LMD81 (enunciating each word carefully): "Something. About. Goats. NOW."

Grasshopper (puffs up): "Well I’m really more of a sports reporter you know…as a matter of fact just the other day I was discussing with Moseley…"


Grasshopper (pales considerably, backs towards the door): "Uh, yes ma'am. Going to write about goats now."

LMD81 (hollers after him): "AND FIND MUSGRAVE WHILE YOU ARE AT IT!"

(Door bangs shut)

(Kvak and Daisy share impressed look)

Kvak: "Damn that was impressive. I think you need a promotion."

LMD81 (examines her tan): "Well, I’ve got some experience in dealing with young people."

(Door slams, enter Musgrave)

Musgrave (arms full of Grey Goose bottles): "Alright, alright you lushes, vodka is here – keep your pants on. Wait, belay that last order."

Kvak (makes a grab for a bottle): "Thank god. I need some fortification while I search for links for tomorrow's Kvak Fix."

Musgrave/LMD81/Daisy (surprised): "There are links in the Kvak Fix?"

(Kvak stares at three of them, begins to bang her head slowly against table)

Musgrave (sits down, leans back and crosses feet on table): "Hey now, hold on. I've done something completely out of character and saved the day. I wrote your article for tomorrow."

Kvak (looks up hopefully): "If you are kidding me right now, I might rip your lungs out and consume them with this Grey Goose."

Musgrave (folds his hands behind his head): "Not kidding, the Muck worship may commence forthwith."

LMD81: "Er, do you think we should be concerned about the content of...."

Kvak: "I don't care, post it."

Daisy (high fives Musgrave): "YES!! Let the Day 2 Wrap Party begin! LMD, get the intern back in here to pour the cosmos."


(enter Grasshopper)

Grasshopper (muttering under breath while pouring cosmos): "I'll bet they don't force you make cosmos every day over at Duck Territory...YOU KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS! I COULD GET AN INTERNSHIP OVER AT DUCK TERRITORY IN LIKE, A HOT SECOND. I AM OUT OF HERE."

(Grasshopper slams down the Grey Goose and triple sec, marches out with great dignity)


Daisy (disgruntled): "Great. Now where are we going to get another cosmo-boy that can ghost write goat articles?"

(Kvak eyes Musgrave speculatively)

Musgrave (calmly sips his cosmo): "Don't even think it, sister."

ADDICTED TO GOAT PRESENTS: GOAT CAMPING (Intern Wanted, bartending experience required: Inquire via email)

by Bill Musgrave

Fundamentals of Goat Camping

Goats make good pack animals and travel companions. If you are wondering "would I enjoy camping with goats?" the answer is absolutely "YES."


However, if you are taking goats camping, beware of having too many at the campsite. I know, how could you ever have too many goats at a campsite, right? Well the problem is, goats like to party.


And then this will happen:


But, after a night of partying, goats can also get very "affectionate". Well hey there baby, what's your name?


So, in conclusion, CHOAD.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of SB Nation or the Addicted To Quack Moderators. FanPost opinions are valued expressions of opinion by passionate and knowledgeable Oregon fans.

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