After the resounding failure that was last year's Pac-12 Mascot Consortium, Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott tries a different approach to mascot camaraderie, by taking all twelve mascots to last weekend's three-day Outside Lands music festival in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park.
LARRY SCOTT: All right everybody, now let's try to stay together and...wait, where's the Duck?
CHIP THE BUFFALO: I don't know, he was right behind me a second ago.
HARRY THE HUSKY: There he is!
/sees the Duck, on stage with Zedd, in silver sequin Hammer pants and a top hat, tossing lit firecrackers into the crowd.
WILBUR WILDCAT: How the heck did he get over there so fast? It's got to be 500 yards from here to the stage.
JOE BRUIN: And are those my pants?
THE TROJAN: ENOUGH of that guy, it's time to fuckin' RAGE! YOU WITH ME SWOOP?
SWOOP: HELL YEAH! LET'S JUMP OFF OF SOMETHING HIGH!
/TROJAN and SWOOP pound Natty Ices, and leave.
SCOTT: And now I see that this was a mistake.
JOE: You were what, 50 years old then?
OSKI: You watch your mouth pretty boy. I'll slap the makeup right off your face.
HARRY: Come on guys, take it easy. Tree, you've been to a bunch of these music festivals, what should we do?
STANFORD TREE: Well...I've been told that there are five different places around the ground where one can purchase macaroni and cheese. So I'm gonna...go...and buy...all of them...yeaaah.
CHIP: Well, I guess we're splitting up. Meet back here tomorrow then everybody?
SPARKY THE SUN DEVIL: I SEE OTHER MUSTACHIOED GENTLEMEN. I WILL SEE WHAT EVIL DEEDS ARE BEING CONCOCTED.
WILBUR: There has GOT to be some country music going on 'round here...
BENNY THE BEAVER: GET BENNY THE BEAVER TO A MOSH PIT, ON THE DOUBLE!
BUTCH THE COUGAR: Hey guys! Sorry, I started following some people in funny outfits who weren't paying attention to me over towards the DJ dome; turns out, they were just some French teenagers who gave me some pills and told me to Va t'en, whatever that means. Man, what a crazy mix-em-up, right guys? Guys? Where did everybody go? And why does the ground feel like worms? Guys?
SCOTT: Okay, is everybody here?
HARRY: I don't see the Duck...again.
BENNY: Benny the Beaver will send him a text message!
/BENNY texts: YO DUDE, WHERE R U AT?
/DUCK texts back: NONSTOP RAVE, MARINA DISTRICT, ABANDONED SALMON CANNERY, GTG MOLLIES KICKIN IN
BENNY: Yeah, he's not coming.
CHIP: But this weekend was supposed to be about togetherness!
SPARKY: CHECK OUT THIS OLD TIMEY BICYCLE I BOUGHT FROM MY MUSTACHE FRIENDS!
Oski: Is that a flannel shirt?
SPARKY: YES. MY MUSTACHE FRIENDS LIKE IT. THEY SAY IT'S MY NEW LOOK NOW. THEY SAY I'M NO LONGER MAINSTREAM.
Joe: Ick. Sparky's become another hipster-zombie.
BENNY: LOOK OUT!
SWOOP: FUCK YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!
/SWOOP and TROJAN crash golf cart into Korean taco stand
JOE: Where did you get that?
SWOOP: STOLE IT. FATTY FATTY SECURITY MAN COULDN'T KEEP UP.
TROJAN: YEAH, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU PUNCHED THAT OLD LADY AND TOSSED HER IN HIS WAY.
SWOOP: FUCKIN' EPIC
TROJAN: Well, later losers. We're gonna go kill this Jagermeister and RAGE to some Nine Inch Nails!
SWOOP: WE RIDE!
BENNY: WAIT! Benny the Beaver wants to rage!
TROJAN: Well then get in, dickweed!
/SWOOP, TROJAN, and BENNY ride off on the golf cart
SCOTT: ...God damnit.
OSKI: Don't beat yourself up Larry. They're children, you can only expect so much from them. And it could be worse. You could be Butch.
WILBUR: Yeah, that cat is outside his mind.
BUTCH: Have you guys met my friend Diablo? Say hi, Diablo!
CHIP: Butch, there's nobody there.
BUTCH: Nonsense, how could you miss him? He's a nine-foot tall hamster with a flamethrower and dinosaur feet. It's not like he can really blend in anywhere, I mean he doesn't even fit in the Porta-John!
HARRY: No, that was you. We watched you flip over like a half dozen Porta-Potties after you couldn't figure out how to open the door.
BUTCH: Aw, come on guys, stop messing with us, you're upsetting Diablo. And when Diablo gets mad, he flips Porta-Johns over.
WILBUR: Well I've had about enough of this. I see pink cowboy hats and jean shorts in the distance, I'm gonna go introduce myself!
JOE: Yeah, I talked to them earlier. I don't think they're quite Wilbur's type. Well, maybe not, Ricardo is pretty feminine.
BUTCH: Oh man, what are they doing to the Tree?
/two dozen festival-goers pick up the Tree, roll him in paper, light him on fire, and take turns smoking him.
TREE: I'M FULFILLING MY DESTINY!
SCOTT: Well, this has been horrible. But it's the last day. Red Hot Chili Peppers are headlining. So let's just get through it and get out of here.
DUCK: Bee oh oh, aych oh oh.
SCOTT: You think everything's a big joke, huh Ducky? That false alarm you pulled last night in the hotel was pretty funny, huh? What if your new athletic training center, or your football team...what if Cliff Harris' dope was on fire?
DUCK: Impossible sir. It's in the buffalo's underwear.
JOE: Oh he did not just go there.
SCOTT: That is IT! I GIVE UP! The Tree is dead, Butch is unconscious after taking tipping a Porta-Potty over onto himself, Sparky has given up mascoting to work at a free-trade grocery/medical marijuana dispensary/bicycle shop with his hipster friends, and God knows where Swoop, Trojan, and Benny are.
OSKI: Oh, they're in jail. Trojan brought his sword into the middle of the mosh pit during Fishbone's set and killed six guys, Swoop was tased by security after trying to rappel from the speaker tower, and Benny handcuffed himself just so he could fit in.
HARRY: And no one's seen Wilbur since Joe took him to the Castro district last night to find more "cowgirls" like Ricardo.
SCOTT: So now I'm left with the smart-ass, the old guy, and the two squares!
HARRY: Hey! That's not fair! I'll have you know I had not one, but TWO glasses of pinot noir yesterday.
DUCK: Whoa-ho, look out for this guy.
CHIP: Come on Larry, that's not cool. Look. I know this weekend has been a bit of a bust. But I know just the thing that can change your tune, something that not even the Duck could hate.
SCOTT: Well what is it?
CHIP: ...Hall and Oates
HARRY: Oh yeah, let's do it!
OSKI: They're old-school enough for me!
DUCK: Hall and Oates is my SHIT!
SCOTT: ...well okay guys. Let's have some fun.
OSKI: HEADS UP!
SWOOP: HA HAAAAAAAA! LOOK WHO BROKE OUT OF JAIL! HOW YA LIKE ME NOW, WIENERS!
/SWOOP crashes his jetpack into the chicken and waffles stand, explodes.