Tako Tuesdays Thinks We're All in Grave Danger

Jonathan Ferrey

Is there another kind?

It's been a fun season, everybody.

Touchdowns were scored, interceptions were made. Marcus Mariota looked good, De'Anthony Thomas looked even better. We saw the arrival of Thomas Tyner, the explosiveness of Bralon Addison, and the big hits of Tony Washington. Alejandro Maldonado even made a couple field goals. It was really fun being an Oregon fan the last couple weeks. It's too bad all that has to end.

Because the SEC is coming to town. And that means we're fucked.

Now, I think Oregon is a more talented team than Tennessee. More offensive playmakers, better depth in the trenches, and an elite secondary give the Ducks the edge on paper. But games against the SEC aren't played on paper; they're played in a dystopian hellscape, populated with sixteen-foot tall mutant super-creatures, with a thirst for pigskin and human blood. There's a reason the conference has won the last thirty-eight national championships: cyborg alien mega-athletes. And Chick-fil-A probably has something to do with it. I've never been, but I can only assume if they've taught cows to write and operate parachutes, they're capable of far more sinister acts.

It just isn't fair really. Oregon has size and athleticism on both lines now, something they haven't had until the past couple years. But is is ESS EEE CEE size and athleticism? Of course not. SEC linemen were forged out of melted-down cannonballs, aged in moonshine barrels, and taught that the only three men worth knowing about are Bear Bryant, Stonewall Jackson, and Richard Petty. These men have be created for one purpose: pave the way to a crystal football.

Oregon's tempo is a definite weapon against any team, especially a very unproven Tennessee squad. But it won't matter, because Tennessee, like every other SEC team, is equipped with a tempo wizard, capable of manipulating time as the team sees fit. Now it's true, not every wizard is the same. Alabama's wizard is Dumbledore, calculated and timeless. Texas A&M's is Gandalf, brash and daring. Kentucky's is Jarvis, the Cookie Crisp Wizard. There's a Jared Lorenzen loves Cookie Crisp joke in there somewhere, but I'm as lazy with writing as Jared Lorenzen is with counting calories. And despite unconfirmed reports that Tennessee's wizard is simply Phil Fulmer in a bathrobe, waving a tree branch and yelling at traffic, the Volunteers bring in a significant threat to Oregon's chances.

And yes, the Ducks did defeat Tennessee in 2010, behind a Cliff Harris pick-six, a Kenjon Barner punt return, and the greatest offensive play in Oregon history. But I think we can all agree that Derek Dooley isn't a proper ambassador of the conference, just like we wouldn't show Pac-12 skeptics last week's USC-WSU derpfest. Oregon's last two games against SEC opponents unsullied by a case of the Doolies? Both losses, 40-27 to LSU and 22-19 to Auburn. Let me remind you, by the way, Auburn went 3-9 last season, not exactly the marquee program in the conference. And you wanna know the last time Oregon beat an SEC team at Autzen? August 31st, 2002, a win over Mississippi State. That's over eleven years of games at Autzen, winless against SEC foes. Why should we think this Saturday will be any different?

Let me leave you with this piece of wisdom: Oregon's record in BCS championship games? 0-1. Tennessee's record? 1-0. I hope you enjoyed the first two games, because this season is gonna take a dark turn, real quick.

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