In the wake of an embarrassing loss at home to Washington State, A collection of the USC roster held a players only meeting to discuss what has been going wrong and how they all need to get together and move forward. News of the meeting reached the media, and when the polo shirted army brought questions about this meeting to embattled head coach Lane Kiffin, Kiffin was made out to be a fool when he not only did not know about the meeting but said that "no meeting took place."
A lot of hoopla has been made of this meeting and Kiffin's knowledge or lack thereof about it has become another bullet in the chamber for angry Trojan fans demanding a new coach. But what happened in this meeting that was such a big deal? Is this all being blown out of proportion? Luckily for all of you, Athletes in Space has its ear a little closer to the ground than coach Kiffin and caught wind of this meeting. Prior to this controversial players only meeting, AIP bugged the room and managed to record everything that took place. What you are about to read is a transcript of what occurred behind Kiffin's back.
The Scene: A meeting room within the USC football complex. Marqise Lee has called together a collection of the Trojans football players in an attempt to establish what has gone wrong this season and move forward with a renewed focus. Lee gets up in front of the room and begins to speak to his teammates.
Marqise Lee: Look guys, we need to pick things up here, last week we didn't show what we're capable of but we still have the ability to turn this around. Let's #FIGHTON y'all.
Devon Kennard: Wait Marqise, that's all fine and whatever but don't we need to talk a little about you? I mean I seem to remember you getting the yardage to gain on a 4th and 7 and taking a step backwards to avoid a tackle but then getting stopped short of the line. That did cost us the most important drive of the game you know.
Lee: That's beside the point, and arguing about the past isn't going to do anyth-
Tre Madden: Wait, didn't you also drop a pass on fourth down against Hawaii? And drop another one that would have gone for like a 50 yard touchdown? Are we all sure you should be leading this meeting?
Lee: See this is what I'm talking about, we're just talking about the past and it's killing our confidence man. Look I'm all for airing grievances and if y'all don't think I'm fit to lead this meeting, it's all good. But if I'm not going to be a leader someone else here has to step up and do it.
Max Wittek: I will be a leader.
The room groans.
I am the quarterback and I was chosen to be the quarterback who finished each game. The coaches trust me to lead all of the most important series of the game and you should all trust me to be your leader.
There is a knock at the door, Dion Bailey gets up to investigate.
Bailey: Oh shit, it's Cody
Lee: Okay, no one panic and just let him in. We'll say we we're all getting together for a pizza party or something.
Nelson Agholor: Wouldn't he be pissed about not being invited?
Cody Kessler gets tired of waiting for a response. He opens the door himself and walks in.
Kessler: Whats going on in here guys? Is this like a players only meeting or something?
Lee: I prefer to call it a "regular get-together."
Kessler: This doesn't seem very regular.
Kennard: That's because it isn't. Look Cody, it's nothing personal against you but right now myself and the rest of the defense are among the best in the country and you've been wasting our efforts with how much you suck.
Wittek: Yeah man, and that's why I should be the full time starter, I'm the best passer here.
Kennard: No Max, you suck too.
Kessler: Do you guys not have YouTube accounts? Coach Kiffin named me the full time starter against Boston College.
The room falls deafly silent.
Lee: Wait, what?
Kessler: Yeah, I'm the starting QB now and I'm going to play the entire game.
Wittek: That's it, I'm outta here. I'm transferring.
Agholor: And who exactly is going to take you after what everyone has seen from you on the field?
Wittek: I'm going back home to play for UConn! I'm going to play with a real coach who understands how to develop a great quarterback.
Agholor: [laughs]...Yeah, and I'm going to transfer back home to Florida and receive passes from Jeff Driskel. Actually comparatively speaking, that doesn't sound so bad...
Lee: Look man, I almost went to Oregon, I could've had Chip Kelly and Marcus Mariota but now I'm stuck with you Kessler, and a coach and play caller who looks like a drunk news anchor.
Kessler: See and that's the point! I don't suck, none of us do it's Kiffin that's screwing this all up.
USC Defensive Line coach Ed Orgeron burst through the wall, and rips his shirt off.
Orgeron: WHATS GOING ON IN HERE! HOW DARE YOU UNDERLINGS TALK DOWN ABOUT THE COACHES!!!!! YOU MUST PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!! WHO WILL CHALLENGE ME!?!?!?!?!?!
Orgeron begins foaming at the mouth and sprouts bull horns. He takes aim at a group of players on the other side of the room. He charges at them, misses, goes through the wall and disappears.
Kennard: Right, the coaches are the problem!
Morgan Breslin: So what are we going to do?
Lee: I have a plan so incredible, so dastardly it will get Kiffin fired by the end of the month. By mid-October, we'll have Jeff Fisher, Jon Gruden, Bill Cowher, Chris Petersen, James Franklin, Charlie Strong, and Bill Cowher!
Breslin: Don't you mean one of those guys will be our coach?
Lee: No! All of them will be here, we'll have seven co-head coaches, I know it because I read it on five different message boards. If five different sources have the same story, it has to be true. And the real kicker is Gruden has already bought some land in LA!
Kennard: Nice, so what's the plan?
Lee: We go on a three game losing streak to Washignton State, Boston College and Utah State all at home.
Agholor: Woah Marqise, that's a little much I mean I know we've been struggling but do you know what you're suggesting? How are we going to lose to three teams that bad all at home?
Lee: I think we all know...
Everyone in the room looks at Kessler and nods. Kessler picks up a football and nods back. He throws the ball toward Lee but misses five feet high and four feet to the right. Even though the game doesn't begin for another two days, the pass is intercepted and returned for a touchdown by a Boston College defender.