FanPost

Why WE hate back, Oregon edition....

As a life-long garnet glasses colored FSU fan, I personally loved your whole "Why we hate" series, including the one on FSU Why Oregon Hates FSU . The comments were even more entertaining than the article content. That is probably because the comments for the most part understood the satire and focused on the funny, while the article, while on the whole expressed a valiant attempt at maintaining the tongue in the cheek, did dissolve into yawn-inducing regurgitated versions of old Yahoo, NYT and TMZ articles at points. Dom probably could have cut 750 words out of the article and had a masterpiece.

I was going to post this in the comments, but they were unfortunately, but understandably closed. I thank SBNation for the FanPost opportunity to waste some time in a useless post to throw some hate back your way.

Because we DO hate you. And here's just some of the reasons why.

1. The DRUGS! We all know every resident of Oregon is constantly stoned, which accounts for all the Bigfoot sightings over the years. Perhaps it's the complete lack of sunshine and Vitamin D deficiency that leads to this need to "partake" on a constant basis. But handing out THC infused Gummy worms to kids at Halloween, and feeding your babies "Gerber's Strained Cannabis" is going a bit far. Look, us Floridians enjoy a good time as much as the next state, and our 87% retiree population would love to have legal "medicine" for their glaucoma, but smoking so much pot has had effected you Duck fans in many negative ways. I understand that "clean urine importation" is now 22% of your economy (The balance: 65% pot & pot related business, 8% lumber, 5% Sasquatch tours) but can't you find a balance? It's just sad that the Oregon training table has to switch to Cheese Puffs, Chicken Nuggets and frozen Snickers ice-cream bars every evening. FSU has a 3-D video room where players can watch film from games in 3D... At Oregon, they have the same, but don't need the glasses.

2. The whole state is made up of Commies. Well known as the most Liberal, least Religious state of Libtards in the country, Oregonians worship at the altar of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. One of their posters even formed their precious FSM's face out of Macrame.. God of Ducks All we would have to do to reduce Pewby into a blithering rage is to say something like "Dick Cheney was the best Vice-President in history because he did everything he could to keep America SAFE! USA!".

3. You don't care about football. Dom even said so much in the comment section: "We love our Ducks, but we don’t take football all that seriously. " We wish you WOULD take your football a little more seriously. FSU fans have actually rooted for your sorry asses against Auburn and LSU, only to watch you fiddle-fart around and keep the SEC is Great narrative going. To discover that it's because you just don't CARE? Well, that's quite aggravating... However, now that attitude is quite good for us Florida State fans.... On the 1st, you can bet that FSU will be taking the game VERY seriously, and knowing that you would be just as happy filling your bongs and watching Rachel Maddow is just fine with us....We won't feel bad for you ever again.

4. Your uniforms. Just like a woman (misogynistic southerner!) , the Ducks need an extra wing on their locker-room just to hold their clothes. "We have NOTHING to wear!" they complain.... "OMG! We wore the Chrome-helmet/Safety-green double stripe pants, and Highlighter yellow sleeved top to the WAZZU game LAST year! We can't wear that again, we'd be so embarrassed!" That's the reason they've started going with so much GREY... The fans retinas have literally been burned out. Luckily, since they are also all stoned out of their minds, they can be easily conditioned to think those hideous Nike monstrosities are cool and look good. Any non-Duck fans who agree.. You may get an "I dig your uni's!" concession by some fans trying to be nice...well, they are high too.

5. Your "Whiteness". Sort of goes with the territory with you being a bunch of commies, but Oregon is about as lily white a state as you will find west of Iowa. Only 2% African American, and 1.8% of that number are players on the football and basketball teams at UO, Portland State and OSU, the Trailblazers, and LaGarrett Blount's illegitimate children. You feel you can hate on Jameis Winston, and make stereographic racial comments on "The South" since you voted for Obama, and are therefore "in the club". Sorry, but...No....Try a little diversity up there, why don't you. Let someone else into your gated community.

6. Marcus Mariota. ..Is it Marry-OH-tuh, or Marry-oh-TUH... or MAR-ee-oat-uh, something else? His glossophobia and agoraphobia will handicap him over the next week, perhaps even causing sleeplessness, nausea and severe anxiety. FSU's quarterback only suffers from atelophobia, which actually works in our favor. Your QB's wholesome goodness reminds us of Tim Tebow, which is unacceptable.... We're only happy he at least worships Mount Mauna Loa or something like that, since you only allow heathens in your state.

7. Your mascot. Any mascot uniform that is on loan from Disneyland is two thumbs down. It would be like Tennessee having some dude dressed up like Goofy instead of their dog, Smokey on the sideline. The only real ducks most people encounter are those horrid, wart-ridden, bread-begging Muscovies...Ducks are ugly I think you should go back to your old team name "The Webfoots", and give up on that Duck in the green jacket...What's his name, anyway? Huey, Dewey or Louie? Although I will say that if he had a recording of Daffy Duck saying "You're, You're, Detthhhhhh-picable!" that would be directed at their opponents, that would be pretty cool, although I'm sure all the student body would quickly form a protest and sit-in for having the insensitivity to make fun of speech impediments.

Anyway, bottom line, We hate you back! For all the right reasons. And to show you just HOW much we hate you, should by some miracle you pull out a victory on the 1st, every FSU fan will literally cheer their guts out for you in the Championship Game... . just to make you mad.... We just hope if that happens you take a game seriously for once!

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of SB Nation or the Addicted To Quack Moderators. FanPost opinions are valued expressions of opinion by passionate and knowledgeable Oregon fans.