Addicted To Quack: All Posts by Matt Takimoto

Tako Tuesdays' Exhaustive Chip Kelly Retrospective, Episode I

2013-06-18T16:00:10Z

It's June. Spring practices have long been over. We're on the backside of the college football offseason. And Chip Kelly is definitely not going to be Oregon's head coach in the fall.

/pauses

/looks around

/checks DuckTerritory

/checks ESPN

/checks HuffPost Sports

/checks breasts for lumps

/checks pocket for cell phone

/panics when phone isn't there

/currently talking on phone

/feels like an idiot

Yep, definitely not coming back. Also, I don't have breast cancer. Thanks green tea and blueberries, you saved me a morning of walking 10K!

***

Chip Kelly came to Eugene in 2007 from New Hampshire, and proceeded to turn Oregon into an offensive behemoth. The Ducks averaged almost 43 points per game until Dennis Dixon's knee went kaput, and the Justin Roper-led Ducks hung 56 points on South Florida in the Sun Bowl. SInce that season, Oregon has been in the top 10 in points per game in every season, including being in the top 3 the past three years. The last non-BCS bowl Oregon played in? The 2008 Holiday Bowl. Pretty good work for a guy whose previous experience included coaching the secondary for Columbia University's freshman football team. Let's go year by year and look at the most impressive offensive games in Chip Kelly's Oregon coaching history.

2007 Honorable Mention

The Sun Bowl (56-21): 56 points (though 14 of those were scored by the defense), but this game was all Jonathan Stewart, rushing for 256 yards in his swan song in a Duck uniform.

@Michigan (39-7): GASP! This isn't the best game of the year?!? But it had the the Statue of Liberty, and the fake Statue of Liberty, and Derrick Jones doing something other than getting arrested?!? I know, I know, just hear me out.

The Best of 2007

@washington (55-34) : I happened to be at Husky Stadium for this one, and the noises made by the washington crowd throughout the game are something I'll never forget. On seemingly every drive, every time Oregon would run a zone read, you'd hear a loud cheer from the crowd as an Oregon player was tackled in the backfield. A second later though, the cheering would stop, as the crowd realized that another Duck was fifteen yards downfield with the ball. It was a magic act. Stewart and Andre Crenshaw eclipsed the century mark, Snoop running for 251, and Dennis Dixon added 99 yards of his own. When the dust settled, Oregon had run for 465 yards, averaging 7.5 yards per carry.

2008 Honorable Mention

The Holiday Bowl (42-31):If this were a list of "Most guys trucked/jumped over in one game" games, then the Holiday Bowl wins going away. Jeremiah Johnson and Jeremiah Masoli both ran for 100+, but by Chip Kelly standards, this is relatively pedestrian.

Arizona (55-45): The power of the wings propels Masoli to perhaps the best passing game of his career (21-26, 298 yards, 2 TDs), and Oregon scored points 46, 47, and 48 early in the third quarter.

The Best of 2008

The Civil War (65-38): Was there really any question? 65 points, 694 yards, and thousands of delicious Beaver tears. JJ ran for 219 yards on only 17 carries, including an 83 yard touchdown run*, and Masoli averaged 25 yards per pass completion. The most compelling statistic of the game? Oregon averaged 10.1 yards per play. For the entire game.

*perhaps my favorite part of that JJ touchdown run is the bloodcurdling screams it elicited from some poor Oregon State fan. When a football play makes someone make that noise, you know it's a classic. I'm sure some washington fan made that noise when Kenny Wheaton was at about the 35 yard line. With any luck, it was Berkowitz.

2009 Honorable Mention

@Arizona (44-41): The WIldcats contained LaMichael James and the Oregon rushing attack, so the Ducks took to the air. Jeremiah Masoli finished the game 26-47 with three touchdowns, including one to Ed Dickson with six seconds to go in regulation.

USC (47-20): James and Masoli combined for 347 yards rushing, and Oregon handed USC their worst loss of the Pete Carroll era.

The Best of 2009

California (42-3): I think what makes this game the best of the year is how surprising it was. In the three games prior to this one, Oregon had: scored 8 points in a loss to fBSU, needed overtime to beat Purdue, and squeaked out an ugly win over Utah in which Jeremiah Masoli went 4-16 passing. Cal entered the game ranked #6 in the country. The Golden Bears scored first, a field goal on their opening drive. Nobody was expecting the onslaught that transpired over the next few hours. Nobody was expecting Masoli to go 21-25 passing. Nobody was expecting Ed Dickson to catch three touchdown passes. And nobody was expecting this game to start an 8-1 conference record and a Rose Bowl berth.

2010 Honorable Mention

New Mexico and Portland State (combined 141-0): These don't really count, because they're against New Mexico and Portland State. But still, 141-0.

Every game at Autzen: The fewest yards Oregon gained in a home game in 2010? 522, against washington. The fewest points? 48, against Arizona. Wait, what? Really? Man, that team was good.

@USC (53-32): LMJ ran for 239 and three scores, Jeff Maehl made this catch, and Darron Thomas threw four touchdown passes. At the time, scoring 53 points in the LA Coliseum was pretty major. At the time...

The Best of 2010

Stanford (52-31): After being dominated in the first quarter by Stanford, Oregon roared back from a 21-3 deficit, outscoring the Cardinal 49-10 over the final three periods. LaMichael James rushed for 257 yards and three touchdowns, and thanks to YouTube user JMPasq, you can watch all 257 of them here. Oregon racked up 626 yards of offense against a Stanford defense that averaged only 322 yards allowed per game.

2011 Honorable Mention

@Arizona (56-31): Darron Thomas threw for only 101 yards, but on a night when LaMichael James breaks the Oregon single-game rushing record with 288 yards, everything else seems like it doesn't matter.

The Civil War (49-21): DT threw for 305 yards and four touchdowns, four players rushed for over 50 yards, and even Ayele Forde scored a touchdown! I don't remember this game being that impressive, but Oregon racked up 670 yards of offense. Now that I think about it, this was the game Oregon failed to convert, like, three or four fourth down conversions. And they STILL scored 49.

The Best of 2011

The Rose Bowl (45-38): This was a heavyweight slugfest that sports fans dream of watching; no team led by more than 7 points, the game was tied at 7-7, 14-14, 21-21, and 28-28, and both offenses were operating at near-flawless levels. Oregon averaged 8.6 yards per carry, and scored three touchdowns of 50+ yards. It seems fitting that Oregon wins its first Rose Bowl in 95 years by putting on an awesome display of the Chip Kelly way.

2012 Honorable Mention

The whole season: Oregon averaged 49 points and 537 yards per game, the highest numbers in school history in both categories. If you remove the Stanford Incident, those numbers go up to 52.6 points and 548 yards. Wut.

The Civil War: 430 yards and six touchdowns on the ground always deserves recognition.

@Cal (59-17): Marcus Mariota tells the Berkeley Voodoo to go fuck itself, throws six touchdown passes.

Colorado (70-14): I mean, this game was 56-0 at halftime. I know Colorado is atrocious, but still. 56-0 at halftime. Ten Ducks received a carry in this one. A silly game all around.

The Best of 2012

@USC (62-45*): This game featured a 300-yard passer (Mariota, 20-23 for 304 and 4 TDs), and a 300-yard rusher (Kenjon Barner, 321 yards, 8.4 yards per, 5 touchdowns). 730 yards of offense. The USC football program was established in 1888, when Civil War vets were sending their kids to college. No team had ever done something like that to USC. Ever.

*Fuck you Lane Kiffin, I'm not acknowledging that weasel-ass final touchdown. Take your whupping like a professional next time.

***

That wraps up Episode I of Tako Tuesdays' Exhaustive Chip Kelly Retrospective. Stay tuned all summer for Episodes II-whenever I get bored of this bit, as I am prone to do with any continuing series I've started and subsequently abandoned.

The Tako Tuesdays Most Terrifying List

2013-06-11T16:00:04Z

Disclaimer: My entire lifetime of Oregon Duck fandom spans only nine football seasons, from the fall of 2005 until now. There will undoubtedly be comments from many of you who lived through The Suffering who recall many the frightening individual, and I encourage you to regale us with stories of thunderous hits long past. So with apologies to any old Webfoots out there, this list is new-school.

The meteoric rise of Oregon football to college football's elite came about, primarily, by way of an elite and efficient offense. And there will be plenty of time to talk about them. But today is about defense.

When it comes to making the highlight reel in football, great catches, long runs, and perfect passes get ample time. But the play that really grabs YouTube views and retweets is a bone-crushing hit. Players like Jadaveon Clowney and Ndomukong Suh have earned college notoriety in the past few years for their sheer dominance on the defensive end of the ball, and for scaring the hell out of opposing offenses. And while an Oregon defender has never earned the Heisman hype that only a select few have gotten, there have been numerous Ducks that pass the "scary as hell" test. Now, what is the "scary as hell" test, you might ask? Here's mine.

For what do I remember this player*? For instance, Walter Thurmond III is not on my Terrifying List. It's not because he was a bad defender; he was quite the opposite. But I don't remember him as imposing of intimidating. I remember WTIII for two things: his backbreaking pick-six in the 2008 Civil War, and for being the owner of the title of "World's Greatest Modern Flattop" until he was usurped by Iman Shumpert.
Does he have a defining play? Because the Pac-12 is a messed up sumbitch and has purged YouTube of much of the wealth of its Oregon highlights, it is tougher to find plays from the earlier years of the Internet age of sports. But fans remember the great moments, and the players that have them make the list.
Intangibles count. Did the dude just LOOK scary as hell on the field? Did his name scream "I will mess you the hell up"? Because that stuff goes a long way.
Do I still talk about them to my friends in hushed and revered tones years after they've graduated? The mythology factor can not be overstated.

Let's start with a gimme.

Haloti Ngata - It's really tough for a defensive tackle to build up enough steam to create a highlight play. Their impact is felt in other ways; have you ever watched a game where one team simply can not create anything in the inside run game, but you don't really know why? It's because the defensive tackles are winning. But how I will always remember Haloti Ngata is as a freshman in the Oregon Marching Band, and seeing Ngata walk past me in the east tunnel at Autzen. He's simply the biggest person I've ever seen. He gets bigger every time I think about it. At this point, I'd wager he's somewhere between the Incredible Hulk and the Iron Giant in terms of sheer mass.

These next two guys go hand in hand.

JD Nelson and TJ Ward - Both safeties, both using initialed monikers, and both tackled with such raw violence and power it almost made you cringe. Everyone remembers Ward's hit on Zac Robinson in the Holiday Bowl, but my favorite hit of his was the one he laid on Cal's Verran Tucker in 2008, one of two or three huge hits he had in that game. And Nelson has a number of signature hits of his own, including this one against Stanford in 2006. The hit I remember most was this one against Fresno State. He whacked a receiver so hard, dude didn't even know to fall over, and just stayed standing for a couple seconds before tipping.

The rest of the crew

AJ Tuitele - Tuitele makes this list for one reason. I made the mistake of yelling something at him before a game, and the look on his face when he turned to look at me will haunt my dreams for decades. I'm getting chills just thinking about it. In my mind Keyser Soze looks exactly like AJ Tuitele.

Blair Phillips - Would have made this list solely for his FG block against Oklahoma, but he solidifies his place with sheer physicality. I mean, look at the guy. Note for all football players: if you already have gigantic shoulders, be sure to accentuate them with one of those neck collar things. See also: Dewitt Stuckey.

John Boyett - Boyett lived on the edge as far as timing (and legality) of his hits, but when both were synced up, it was magic. A knock on him as a tackler was his habit of going low, leaving him open to be hurdled. But it also provided for many a "hit the guys legs in midair and flip him over" hit that just looks so damn pretty in slo-mo.

Casey Matthews - One of the smartest Ducks to roam the middle linebacker position, and incredibly heavy hitter, Matthews should be remembered for one of the greatest defensive plays in BCS championship game history. God damnit...

Anthony Trucks - He's a physical freak. And he's got a great name for a guy that tackles people. His hits have, unconscionably, disappeared from the Internet. I'm very upset about this.

Nick Reed - All it takes is crazy eyes and a ratty gray workout T-shirt to scare me. I'm a big softy, and Nick Reed is a monster.

Who makes your list of terrifying Oregon defenders? Leave your picks in the comments!

Tako Tuesdays is Disappoint

2013-06-04T16:00:10Z

With the track and field championships this weekend, Oregon will close the book on the 2012-13 school year, a year that has to be considered among the best ever in Oregon athletics history. The football team won back-to-back BCS bowl games for the first time in school history. Men's basketball made a surprise run to both the Pac-12 Tournament title and the NCAA Sweet Sixteen. Women's volleyball advanced all the way to the national championship match. Women's indoor track and women's cross country won NCAA national titles, and Acrobatics & Tumbling added another major national championship. Softball and baseball both lived in the top 10 for much of the season, and both golf teams had strong seasons, the women's team making it to the NCAA championship tournament. And both outdoor track teams could provide a sweet finish to the year, as both have a shot at a national championship. Hell, even women's Ultimate Frisbee won a national title!

So why can't I shake the feeling that this year was, somehow, not a success?

Clearly, it was. All you have to do is look at the men's basketball team to know about the magic that took place in green and yellow this year. Picked to finish in the middle of the pack, or worse, in the Pac-12 this year, Oregon gelled around freshmen guards Dominic Artis and Damyean Dotson, and rebounding wizard Arsalan Kazemi to race to the top of the Pac-12 standings. After losing Artis to injury, and the basketball to the other team about 18 times a game, the Ducks missed out on the Pac-12 regular season title, and were in danger of losing their NCAA bid which seemed so secure in January and February. But the Ducks stormed into the Pac-12 tournament, and boosted by Jon Loyd, self-proclaimed owner of Las Vegas, ran away with the championship and the autobid to the Big Dance. And despite being handed an offensively low #12 seed, Oregon made easy work of higher seeds Oklahoma State and Saint Louis. Their Cinderella run ended at the hands of eventual national champion Louisville, but this was a huge step for a team who was supposed to be spending late March competing for a CBI or NIT title, instead of a national title.

But I'm still left with that nagging ache, that perhaps the Ducks left something on the table this year.

The feeling started as I watched Alabama demolish Notre Dame in the BCS Championship game. Multiple articles have been written on this blog about how hard it is to win a national championship in football. In many years, a team can do everything in their power to earn a chance to play for it all, and never get that chance. That wasn't the case when Oregon was outcoached and outmatched in their own building by Stanford. After scoring 191 points in their previous twelve quarters, Oregon's high-powered offense managed only 14 in four quarters and an overtime against the Cardinal. The Ducks played their worst game of the season against the best opponent they faced all year, and it cost them a chance to play for a national title against one of the worst title game participants in BCS history. Opportunities like that don't come around often. And Oregon missed that one.

Equally as disappointing were the finishes to both the baseball and softball seasons. A Pac-12 title for the women, and a school record in wins for the men are both commendable achievements, and I'm proud of both teams for their performances this year. But playoff losses always sting a lot more when you're the favored team, playing in your building. Both teams were among the top 8 seed in the tournament, but neither team could advance to the round of 8. Softball was outdone by an off-weekend from all-conference pitcher Jessica Moore, and silly mistakes that happened at the worst possible time, and baseball's lack of hitting in the first two games drained the pitching staff, who couldn't survive the heinous five-games-in-four-days format of the regional round. To put baseball and softball in perspective, softball would be like a #1 seed losing in basketball's Sweet Sixteen, and baseball a #2 seed losing in the Round of 32. Would Indiana, Kansas, or Gonzaga, top seeds that lost in the Sweet Sixteen or earlier this past March, consider their seasons a success? To be that highly ranked means you're expected to make a serious run at a national championship, no matter your past history of success. Neither team accomplished that this year.

What does this mean for Oregon athletics going forward? Oregon had 11 teams spend time in the top 10 in the country in their NCAA-sanctioned sport. This is unequivocally a good thing. But it's time to take the next step. In terms of national branding, funding, and performance reputation, Oregon has reached elite status, competing on a department-wide level with schools like Michigan, Texas, Stanford, Florida, and Notre Dame. Nearly every sports team on campus can be considered a contender, and numerous sports teams have national championship ability. And as long as the athletic department continues its high priority of excellence in all sports, some team will break through and win Oregon's first non-running national championship since 1939. But it didn't happen this year, and I'm allowed to be irrationally upset about that, because perennially contending for a title in any sport in which we compete is becoming more and more of a reality, and as much fun as it is to be the upstart, it's more fun to win.

Oregon-Nebraska Super Regional Preview and Game 1 Open Thread

2013-05-25T22:57:14Z

The Ducks continue their run at a second straight WCWS appearance against a tough Cornhuskers team.

ATQTube: Track Sweeps the Pac-12 Championships, Softball Grabs a National Seed

2013-05-14T22:00:05Z

Plus, women's golf makes the NCAA final, and baseball prepares for a HUGE weekend series against Oregon State.

ATQTube: Quick Quack Review - May 7th

2013-05-07T19:29:25Z

Baseball? Good. Softball? Good. Track? Good. All that and more!

Tako Tuesdays: Fun with Anagrams and MSPaint

2013-05-07T16:00:05Z

You guys are lucky I love the hell out of this blog.

The Warriors lost a heartbreaker Monday night. It was probably the best chance to steal a game in San Antonio, the Dubs were up 16 with four and a half to go, and they left fucking Manu Ginobili wide the hell open with four seconds left. Wasted a bottle of good red wine on that god damn choke job. Only two things are keeping me from running around in the street and throwing all the glass I can find: first, it could be worse. I could be a Blazers fan. Second, I'll always have silly shit to do on ATQ to take my mind off the fact that the Warriors can't close out a fourth quarter.

Anagrams are amusing.

So is MSPaint.

And Oregon football players have long and complicated names.

...

It'll do for today. Let's get to it.

Marcus Mariota = Maraca Tourism

DeAnthony Thomas = The Nasty Manhood

Bralon Addison = Rabid Salon Don

Ifo Ekpre-Olomu = Look, Free Opium!

Arik Armstead = Radar Mistake

Stephen Amoako - Poke Hot Seaman

Everett Benyard = Deny Vertebrate

Karrington Armstrong = Arrogant King Mr. Snort

DeForest Buckner = Turds Broke Fence

Dylan Ausherman = Ran Unashamedly

...you're welcome America. Happy Tuesday. Go Warriors.

Poll

Which one wins?

Maraca Tourism

3 votes

The Nasty Manhood

52 votes

Rabid Salon Don

0 votes

Look, Free Opium!

28 votes

Radar Mistake

8 votes

Poke Hot Seaman

5 votes

Deny Vertebrate

23 votes

Arrogant King Mr. Snort

8 votes

Turds Broke Fence

39 votes

Ran Unashamedly

7 votes

173 votes | Poll has closed

Tako Tuesdays: Progress

2013-04-30T16:00:10Z

My five years at the University of Oregon are the only years of my life spent living away from the San Francisco Bay Area. My last two years of high school coincided with the first two years of the Iraq War, and my English teacher graded anti-war essays, not part of our required curriculum, so we could declare ourselves conscientious objectors in the event of a draft. A transgender man was voted as our Prom King. I don't give the sexual orientation of my friends and family a single thought throughout my day, because classifying people along those lines has always seemed inane to me; I prefer to keep my company based on respect, empathy, friendliness, and whether or not they consider Varsity Blues to be one of the best sports movies of all time. But I am well aware that I have spent 100% of my 26.2 years on Earth in a particularly one-sided bubble of social criticism, and there are a lot of you out there who disagree with me on this divisive issue. I'm not here to shove my ideals down your throat, just as I don't expect to be belittled by others for thinking differently. This piece is not meant to spark social or political debate, it is meant to do exactly the opposite. It is a call to let sports be its own sacred ground, with its own legends to be told. It is a call to celebrate on-field accolades, and to let anyone with enough skill to play at the highest level of sport to be free to do it in their own skin.

This post is not a consensus opinion of the collective staff of Addicted to Quack, the members of which have wildly differing views on the cinematic merit of Varsity Blues.

*********************

You know why I hate Ryan Appleby?

It's because he played basketball for washington. It's because he made a lot of threes, and was really obnoxious as he did it. It's because of his elbow-length cotton T-shirt sleeves billowing from under his jersey, and his shaggy blonde hair bounding up and down as he jogged down the court, soaking up the Mac Court boos. It's because he was a whiny little snot when he wouldn't let Aaron Brooks bury the hatchet with a post-game handshake. If he had played for Oregon, I would've loved him, just as Garrett Sim would've bugged the shit out of me if he played for any other team.

You know why I don't care for Brady Leaf?

Because he wasn't very good at quarterback for the Oregon Ducks. When Brady Leaf had 20 or more pass attempts in a game, the Ducks were 0-6. As soon as the '05 Holiday Bowl ended on Leaf's interception in the endzone, he was a player Duck fans spoke about only in grumbles. Does he kind of get a bum rap for the late-season meltdowns in '06 and '07? Sure. But he still wasn't very good, at a time when Oregon was becoming very good.

You know why I like Barry Bonds?

Because he's the best hitter I've ever seen in person, and he played for my team. Bonds signed with the Giants when I was 5, and retired when I was in college; for my entire adolescence, he was the best player on my favorite team. I watched him hit hundreds of home runs, and set dozens of records. Were his accomplishments chemically enhanced? Probably. But that fact honestly doesn't alter the memory of a 12-year-old Tako watching Bonds hit one into McCovey Cove for the first time.

I hate Ryan Appleby, a guy who runs his own business (a basketball training academy) and has no visible character flaws apart from the lingering husky stench. I don't like Brady Leaf, a guy whose reputation got worse as Dennis Dixon's got better, and never got a chance at redemption due to injury. I love Barry Bonds, a man who most likely cheated his way through a half-dozen baseball seasons and a few major records. And if any of them came out as gay, my feeling about them would not change, not in the slightest.

And why should it?

Sports allegiance, especially in the professional ranks, is a fickle exercise. In our current age of free agency, one-and-dones, and constant transfers and trades, it's nearly impossible for fans to grow too attached to individual players. Loyalties lie with the team, and the players simply put on the uniform and go to work. And when those athletes are done with work, they're just guys with free time. Some use their free time for clubbing, drunk driving, and saying regrettable things on Twitter. But you know what? Plenty of non-athletes do the same thing. Other athletes ,and non-athletes alike, use their free hours and resources for community outreach, quality family time, and other good works. So why would we expect athletes to have any less variety when it comes to attraction? Testosterone level, hand-eye coordination, and physical size and strength have nothing to do with sexual orientation, so it isn't as though being gay puts you at an athletic disadvantage. According to census and poll data, roughly 3% of the developed world identifies as homosexual. Using that percentage, that means there are around 120 gay athletes in the four major US men's sports. At first glance, that number seems high. But what if it isn't? Would it be that unbelievable if there were 120 gay athletes among the 122 teams in the big four sports? Many of us know at least one person who identifies as gay; should our sports teams be any different?

I admire Jason Collins for his his willingness to be the first; as far as leaders and advocates go, gay athletes couldn't have picked a better ally than the articulate veteran center who is respected by practically the entire league. Collins won't be the last to go public with his sexuality; over time, gay male athletes that "come out" will be younger, more talented, and less afraid of backlash. But hopefully, the next athlete to go public will be able to do it with less fanfare, and more inward acceptance. Over time, men's sports will catch up to women's sports. I consider it woefully behind the times when a male athlete needs a Sports Illustrated feature to announce himself as gay when you compare it to Brittney Griner casually mentioning her sexuality in passing, and having it treated the same as if she'd said her favorite color was green, or Martina Navratilova, openly gay for decades, and her sexuality rarely discussed as something less than normal. But I personally can't wait until an athlete's sexuality is met with, "Okay fine, but can you return punts?" Over time, we'll come to realize that this was never a big deal, that straight players never had an issue sharing a shower with a gay teammate, that many players knew they had a gay teammate all along, and chose to keep the information amongst the safety of the locker room. Over time, we might even begin to wonder what the big deal was in the first place, and why this was ever any of our business.

Fans that cheer for pro sports teams are as diverse as the players that play the games. They represent the entire societal spectrum of this country, and it would be futile to try and get an entire sport's worth of fans to agree on anything overarching. Therefore, I propose a separation between life and sports. What I mean is this: what an athlete does with his life off the court shouldn't be held in the same realm as how he plays and who he plays for. For instance, I really appreciate what the Albert Pujols Foundation does to aid families affected by Down syndrome, and from what I can tell, Pujols is one of the better guys in all of sports. But when my Giants play the Angels, I want Pujols to strike out every time he comes to bat. While Oregon football was in the midst of its many misdeeds in the early part of the Chip Kelly era, there were numerous players who were less than perfect off the field. But when Saturday rolled around, and the players had the blessing of the program to take the field, they had my support. I think the off-field merit of an athlete should be judged by how he carries himself, how he gives back, and how he uses his wherewithal for good. But from a fan standpoint, I don't think you have to think anything about what kind of people play for your team. Remember, you root for the laundry. Whether the guy that wears the shirt is gay, straight, a douche, or a saint, it shouldn't matter.

Should it?