Maybe it's the holiday spirit. Or that, combined with the enormity of tomorrow's Civil War. Whatever the case, I found myself motivated to express myself in an unusual manner. Some knowledge of common ATQ themes will be helpful, as will some patience with my prose.
In the name of all that is good, The Almighty Juju and Joe Shufelt, I give you: The Night Before Game Day
The Night Before Game Day
Twas the night before game day, and all through the town
Not a Duck fan was stirring, not even Ass Clown.
The jerseys were hung in the closets with care.
Green, white, black and yellow, each one was there.
The fans were all nestled down deep in their beds
While visions of T.J. Ward danced in their heads.
'manda in her teddy, and Joe in his drawers
Settled in for deep sleep, at least 'til Joe snores.
When out on the terrace there arose such a clatter,
Joe sprung from the bed to see what was the matter.
Straight to the window, loaded glock by his side,
Joe yelled, "I'm packin', so you'd best fuckin' hide."
But Joe did not shoot. There was simply no need to
For there on Joe's terrace stood the Almighty Juju.
He stammered and mumbled, staggered and stumbled
By the angelic glow, our young Joe was humbled.
She shimmered like lightning, with a sharp yellow hue,
But her words were soft spoken, enlightened and true.
Joe thought she looked hot, so he sucked in his gut.
She donned only a jersey once worn by one Blount.
Now fast on his feet, Joe suddenly was,
As he dashed to the kitchen, his mind still abuzz.
He knew only sacrifice would help his Ducks win.
Joe's gift was Ninkasi, aged whiskey, cold gin.
They talked and they joked, and Joe asked her to stay.
But The Juju declined. There would be no three-way.
As she rose to her feet, The Juju would say,
"I must go see V.D. He was quite bad today."
The Juju was pleased. She gave Joe as soft kiss.
Joe knew the next day, he would get his wish.
As The Juju climbed back on her magic, green Fat Boy
She shouted to Joe in loud tones of pure joy.
"Down Boilers, down Utes, down Bears and down Cougars.
Down Bruins, down Huskies, down Trojans and Devils."
"They trampled the Wildcats. They'll soon skin the Beavs.
Then it's on to The Roses, with tricks up their sleeves.
There they'll pound Pryor with the greatest of ease.
Your Ducks will send Buckeyes back home on their knees."
Joe waved to The Juju as she rode out of sight.
He went back to the bedroom and turned out the light.
As he lay next to 'manda, he thought with delight,
"I had beers with The Juju. What a fucking great night."