The State Of The Union

Madame JTLight, Vice President butthol, Members of ATQ, and the American people:

Firstly, let me personally inform you of some recent happenings. I have overthrown former Ayatollah Grand Leader Avinash. He was weak. All he ever wanted to talk about was "football analysis" this and "in depth discussion" that. Didn't care about the true loves in this world, like eradicating Ducks fans. And nailing it. He was weak and felt it was OK to allow CGB North citizens to root for non-Bears. That era is over. No, now I alone have the right and privilege to speak before a Joint Session of both CGB and CGB North. YOUR TYRANT BOY-KING HAS RETURNED!

I am here to tell you that the state of the union is strong!

When I spoke here last, this vassal-state was facing the worst crisis since the Great Keith Allen Drop of 2004. Under the despotic leadership of "Addicted To Quack," ATQ had lost all of its global luster. Once viewed as a shining beacon of awesomeness, many now dismissed it as little more than a "shmohawk."

But then, us.

Legions greeted the blue and gold tanks of the CGB army as liberators. Liberators from the crushing pains of having to be Oregon fans. The masses cried out to be released from their unending pain of horrific uniform combos, disastrously timed knee injuries, and something called a RoboDuck.

We have worked hard on ATQ reform. We immediately outlawed RoboDuck, tried to introduce the colors blue and gold to the uniform combos, and fired Mike Belloti. We are not the first Pac10 blog to take up this cause. Who can forget Building The Dam's ill-fated 2001 Joey Harrington assassination attempt? It has now been nearly a century since Theodore Roosevelt first called for ATQ reform. We may have not been the first, but we will be last.

Unfortunately, what we have also seen in these last months is the same partisan spectacle that only hardens the disdain many Americans have toward ATQ. Instead of honest debate, we have seen scare tactics. Some have dug into unyielding ideological camps that offer no hope of compromise. Too many have used this as an opportunity to score short-term political points, even if it robs CGB of our opportunity to solve a long-term challenge. And out of this blizzard of charges and counter-charges, confusion has reigned.

Well the time for bickering is over. The time for games has passed. Now is the season for action. Now is when we must bring the best ideas of both parties together, and show the American people that we can still do what we were sent here to do. Now is the time to rid ATQ of Duck fans.

Some of people's concerns have grown out of bogus claims spread by those whose only agenda is to kill the CGB occupation at any cost. The best example is the claim, made not just by radio and cable talk show hosts, but even by Takimoto, that we plan to set up panels of bureaucrats with the power to kill off senior citizens. Such a charge would be laughable if it weren't so cynical and irresponsible. It is a lie, plain and simple.

No, the death panels won't be limited solely to senior citizens. The plan, as currently approved by the Tyrant Boy-King , is to kill off any and every Duck fan. These death panels will not discern between the young Duck fans and the old Duck fans.

There are also those who claim that our reform effort will insure illegal immigrants. There are many streaming from CougCenter, looking for a better life. For a defense who can stop the opponent. For a QB, who can complete a forward pass. And here, they can find at least 50% of that! This allegation, too, is false – the reforms I'm proposing would not apply to those who are here illegally. We would not want to kill those poor, poor CougCenterians. We will merely enslave them so that they can work the underground salt mines in your place. Otherwise, how will the grand citizens of CGB enjoy salt?

Our ATQ proposal has also been attacked by some critics who oppose reform as a "CGB takeover" of the entire ATQ system. That's because these critics are stupid. OF COURSE IT'S A CGB TAKE-OVER OF THE ENTIRE ATQ SYSTEM! We did that last year! Now, we're just kicking it up a notch. No longer will a dual system be allowed. No longer can the people of CGB North be allowed to root for the Ducks, when, obvi, they should, like, toads focus solely on the grandest of the grand, the California Golden Bears. Yet, many, many millions of CGB Northers labor under this delusional hardship.

We are the only advanced democracy on Earth – the only wealthy nation – that allows such hardships for millions of its people. There are now more than thirty million CGB North citizens who root for the Ducks. In just a two year period, one in every three CGB Northers will root for the Ducks at some point.

In other words, it can happen to anyone.

This is a serious situation. And it ends today.

I understand how difficult this CGB North sitch has been. I know that many in this vassal-state are deeply skeptical that government is looking out for them. Let me be clear:

It isn't.

It cares about one thing and one thing only. Pillage. And lots of it! I understand that the politically safe move would be to kick the can further down the road – to defer reform one more year, or one more election, or one more term.

But that's not what the moment calls for. That's not what we came here to do. We did not come to fear the future. We came here to shape it. And death panel the shit out of some Ducks fans. I know that may sound hard. But I still believe we can act even when it's hard. I still believe we can replace acrimony with civility, and gridlock with progress. I still believe we can rid this gorgeous area of the scourge of Addicted To Quack. I still believe we can do great things, and that here and now we will meet history's test.

Because that is who we are. That is our calling. That is our character. Thank you, Tedford Bless You, and may Tedford Bless the California Golden Blogs and the California Golden Blogs North! GO BEARS!

PS Good luck this week, guys. Duck fans are my fav fans out of all the Pac10 people. If we can't win the Pac10 (and believe me, we can't) I hope it's you guys. Go Bears! Go, to a much, much, much lesser extent, Ducks!

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