In case you've been stuck in a Chilean mine for the last two months, Oregon is really good at football, and Washington is really bad. Rivalries are best when both teams are playing at the top of their game; otherwise, one team is envious and bitter, the other apathetic. But this is an opportunity for Duck fans: an opportunity to rise to greater heights, to show their dedication and support far beyond ordinary fans. Think about it: not only are Huskies fat dumb stupid-heads, but they're reeeeeeeally bad at football. It's like their faces are just hovering over a big pile of dirt, daring us to rub their faces in it. I'm ready to rub.
If you'd like to take a stroll down memory lane, you can find last year's HIHWD festivities HERE. This year, all events are devoted to the glory that is Uneven Competition. The day starts at midnight Saturday with the traditional recitation of the Happy I Hate Washington Day mantra.
I hate dawgs,
Shoot 'em in the head,
Set them on fire,
Cuz I hate Washington!
Then brush and floss your teeth. Good dental hygiene is important, even on a holiday. And get some sleep. 8 hours sounds about right. As you drift off to sleep, let the warm feeling of a #1 ranking wash over you, lulling you asleep like no bourbon, Lunesta, or Big Ten offense could possibly hope to lull.
8:00 AM - Wake up. Put on your Ducks jersey. Fix yourself a drink: coffee, beer, scotch, Dr. Delight, or one of each. Now you're ready to begin.
Happy I Hate Washington Day 2010 Events List (may be performed in any order)
- If you know a Husky fan with kids, take one of their kids out for an ice cream cone. Get him his favorite flavor, put sprinkles on it, splurge for the waffle cone. Hand it to him. Then, slap it out of his hand. Take a picture of that kid's face. This is exactly how Jake Locker feels right now, except his ice cream is $30,000,000.
- Watch the Appleby Cold Shoulder. Now watch it again. I bet he felt really good right then, huh? Now think about where he is now. Just another has-been with a yahoo.com email address and a terrible looking website. Aaron Brooks is one of the ten best point guards in the NBA. Feel free to giggle to yourself.
- Close your eyes. Imagine you are Washington QB Keith Price. You've thrown nine passes in your college football career. You have to make your first career start in Autzen Stadium, against the #1 team in the country. It's not your fault. You don't deserve this. It's not your fault. Now open your eyes. You are not Washington QB Keith Price. Holy crap, is it gonna suck to be that guy.
- As always, get your dog the hell out of the house. Your dog is like Keith Price. It's not his fault, but he deserves it. No treats, no tennis balls, no walks. He gets to pace circles around the yard, hopefully in the rain. When the clock hits zero, all is forgiven.
- Using popsicle sticks, cotton balls, and leftover Halloween candy, make your very own Chris Polk voodoo doll. Look at the doll. Focus on it. Feel the soul of Chris Polk enter your construction. Now get a pin, and poke your Polk. Poke your Polk! Get it? It's a homonym! Man, that's just good, old fashioned humor right there. Now set the doll on fire.
- Find the Washington football roster. Close your eyes, and randomly choose a Husky player. This player would not be anywhere near the Oregon two-deep.
- Print out a picture of Ryan Appleby's head. Using your voodoo doll-building experience, build it a body. Now bully it. Draw a moustache on it. Dunk its head in the toilet. Shove it in a locker (not to be confused with Jake's mom's tongue, which is shoved in a Locker). Put some underwear on it, then give it a wedgie. Finally, set it on fire. If you believe hard enough, a gas station attendant in Stanwood will spontaneously combust.
One of the great things about HIHWD is the innovation. Create your own rules and traditions! Celebrate as you see fit. Go Ducks.