Tako Tuesdays: Intelligent Life on Other Planets

Not many of you know this, but I communicate with alien life.  His name is Gorgelon, and he is a peaceful being sent from the planet Gliese 581g to learn and study our home planet of Earth, and report his findings to the Gliese 581g Science Council.  Naturally, he chose to begin his research with Duck football.  I told him that addictedtoquack.com is a great place to start, and since he arrived on this planet Internet-savvy, he asked me if he could write a recap of the BCS Championship Game.  I said, "Sure, none of us really want to do it.  Go right ahead."  Apparently I didn't explain the concept of Duck football properly, because instead of recapping the game, he recapped the game thread.  But, I am a man of my word.  After the jump, I give you Gorgelon's first-ever blog post: a recap of the BCS Championship Game...Open Thread.

The opening of the BCS Championship Game was met with a myriad of problems.  Most users seemed to have a problem with their keyboards, the O key in particular.  From what I can gather, the key was being pressed down, and would not come back up.  The U, C, K, and S keys were also a bit of a problem.  

Oregon won the toss, and the game began.  My research tells me football is played either on either natural or artificial grass, but this game was being held on some sort of slippery surface.  Curious.  

"Bad play calling" and a "baaaad punt" sent users into a panic.  The D key began to stick for a couple of users, but things seemed to calm down otherwise.  

DT, which I assume means human quarterback Darron Thomas, wasn't making very good decisions, and that caused many users to say "fuuuuuuck", which I am to understand is a human curse word.  I would give you an example of a curse word on my home planet, but reading it with your human eyes would melt your retinae.  Luckily, everyone's spirit was restored by CLIFFF!!!  I am of course speaking of human Cliff Harris, whose tentacled hair makes him resemble a carbunoidle, which is a creature on my planet similar to your squid.  

Unfortunately for Duck supporters, DT was still making bad decisions, which led to an "ANOTHER PICK ARE YOU SERIOUS."  But the Duck D turned things around.  Success is due to the fact that "someone forgot to tell the D they're too small to match up with Auburn."  Whoever was supposed to tell the Oregon D that is no doubt wasting away in a prison cell somewhere, as that breach of communication is simply unacceptable.  Auburn's defense near the end of the first quarter was "gassed."  They, like all humans, need oxygen to survive, so they began to "suck wind."

Things I did not understand:

• User omb said, "Love Barner's mohawk."  Why would Kenjon Barner have a member of a Native American tribe with him, and why is user omb so adamant that we love it?  Mystifying, you humans are fascinating.
• User webfoot73 said, "how surprised Cam was to see two guys in his hole."  Where was Cam's hole?  Did he dig it in the slippery field using your primitive human digging tools?  Was webfoot73 referring to Cam Newton's rectum?  
• User BoilerTMill offered this equation.  Naked Anna Paquin + beer > Beyonce.  I did some research, and I conclude that human beer must have powerful effects to make a pale, plain-looking girl like Anna Paquin more desirable than Beyonce, the "hottest chick in the game."

Quote of the quarter:

jtlight - Any fucking with this gamethread will lead to immediate banning.

jtlight strikes me as a particularly hostile human.  He may have to come back to my planet for further examination.

The second quarter began with the Ducks going ahead 3-0, despite Darron Thomas' best efforts to lose it.  After Cliff Harris intercepted a pass, then didn't intercept it, the Tigers scored because a coverage was blown and the Big Ten refs are terrible.  With comments like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING CHIP", "Took way to long for that to develop" and "That was the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen",  I can only assume next that Oregon head coach Chip Kelly ran onto the field of play and read an article written by human John Berkowitz  to the entire crowd, and read it very slowly.  Luckily, Jeff Maehl raised everyone's spirits.  A LaMichael James throwback touchdown and a 2 point conversion from Chip Kelly and his big balls swiftly followed.  

Cam Newton is more than proficient at football.  Despite human Kenny Rowe's best efforts, we can not stop Cam Newton on 3rd and 2 multiple times, before finally getting lucky when Cam throws an incomplete pass.  User jtlight seems to think Cam Newton is the most efficient QB in the nation.  This may be a case of human sarcasm, which I will never understand.  Why say something if it is the opposite of what you mean?  That seems wildly counter-productive.  

In a puzzling decision, the Oregon D decides to put their heads inside their own anus, and Auburn takes nine free points while the Ducks are incapacitated.  I wasn't aware humans could fit their heads inside their own anuses.  The human body is capable of so much more than I originally believed!

Oregon human Dion Jordan was hit by either an Auburn player or a piece of feces, it's unclear which.  

At the end of the second quarter, the Oregon supporters are split between optimism and frustration.  

Things I did not understand:

There was a lot of talk about "shit" in the second quarter.  From what I gather, humans are socially expected to expel their fecal matter in a special room, and never in public.  Why was there so much shit at the game?  Was there some sort of promotion going on?

Quote of the quarter:

OBrienSchofieldIsMyHero - Difference is the Ducks would have gotten it.

This refers to Cam Newton's lucky incomplete pass.  I believe this is what is known on Earth as a "Jinx."

The third quarter started with animal abuse.  User benzduck began to tackle eagles and feed them to improperly caged tigers, and user Bill Musgrave killed a Tiger Eagle, a beast which I have not found any information pertaining to its existence.  I can only assume user Bill Musgrave bred the animal specifically for slaughter.  I do not think I will be visiting users benzduck or Bill Musgrave, as they clearly come from a bygone era where mistreating another living being is permissible.  

Many users complained of puking, induced by nervousness, the Oregon offense, and interestingly, LeBron James.  

Auburn kicked a field goal to go ahead 19 points to 11, and then Nick Fairley began playing dirty.  This caused both teams to play dirty and accrue penalties.  User bkeagle718 finally filled us in on the makeup of the field: it was made of garbage.  For such an important game, you think they would use the regulation playing surface.  Perhaps that is part of the challenge?

User jtlight began screaming everything he was saying in the form of capital letters.  Many users followed suit, treating it as a good luck charm.  

Chip Kelly used his big balls again to excite the supporters, this time with a fake punt.  User emc503 notes that Chip Kelly's balls are made of brass.  Unfortunately, the Ducks fail to score, causing users to panic and blame the lack of points on those not using capitals.  Peer pressure sets in, and all users comply to regulations laid down by angry user jtlight.  The non-caps witch hunt seems to distract users from the game, and I am unclear as to how the third quarter ended.  I do that neither team added any points to their total.

Things I did not understand:

User Bill Musgrave thinks a number of things are "for pussies," including stupid penalties and field goals.  Are domestic cats fans of football, or is he referring to the slang for female genitalia?  And if that is the case, are female genitalia fans of football?

The game was having an effect on a number of user's digestive systems, causing them to "puke."

Quote of the quarter:

jtlight - CAPS LOCK OR BAN.  YOUR CHOICE.

In the fourth quarter, everyone was using caps under threat of banishment from the oppressive regime of user jtlight.  For good luck, user David Piper tried to start a Wheaton Wave.  During my short time at addictedtoquack.com, I have never seen a Wheaton Wave more poorly executed.  There were multiple typos and misquotes, and the wave only lasted two lines.  Would this serve as a harbinger of doom for Oregon in the fourth quarter?

The Oregon offensive line not only committed a costly penalty in the fourth quarter, but punched user Matt Daddy in the testicles.  That act seems both rude and distracting, given the circumstances.

It seems to be that a side effect of using all caps was hate.  Users were becoming angry at everything, from television commercials to other users. User kentroyal5 took the brunt of the anger due to a poorly timed comment about Oregon losing the game.  

The Oregon defense turned the energy from negative to positive with a stop, but THIS IS THE FUCKING DRIVE RIGHT HERE turned out to not be the fucking drive right there.  But Casey Matthews and Cliff Harris give the Ducks a break. And despite DT staring down his receivers, the mark of a terrible quarterback, and the Ducks failing to block Nick Fairley, the Ducks score a touchdown, and Jeff Maehl scores a two-point conversion to tie the game!  I would think Oregon fans would be happy, but many users can't bear to watch, and some users even begin to suffer medical problems with user gamedaytribe suffering a seizure and user Matt Daddy experiencing heart palpitations. 

Promptly at 9 PM Pacific time, user jtlight disrobed and spent the remainder of the game nude from the waist down.

Human emotions were torn about when the Oregon defense was unable to get an Auburn player completely down to the ground.  User QuackinAK's prayers to the human deity Holy Maurice Morris went unanswered.  And as user Matt Daddy reattached his pants to his legs, the game was over.  Users began to place blame on a number of things, including the defense, the offense, the offensive line, the referees, and the playing surface.  

Eventually, all users stopped using all capital letters.  

Quote of the quarter:

benzduck - THERE IS NOTHING TO BURN IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

Apparently it is human custom to set things on fire following a traumatic experience.  Perhaps it serves as a metaphor for their inner emotions.