I was having a conversation with a Cal fan friend of mine. It went like this:
Cal friend: Your coach looks like a used car salesman.
Me: I could see that. At least my coach doesn't look like a high school geography teacher, like yours does.
Cal friend: You're so right. Oregon is superior to Cal in every possible way. We suck, super bad. Where's my checkbook? I'm gonna go donate to the Duck Athletic Fund.
Okay, so I made that last part up. But still. It gave me an idea: if the Pac-12 basketball coaches weren't coaches, what other occupations would they have? You've seen two, let's meet the other 10!
Lorenzo Romar - Homicide Detective
He's just eighteen months from collecting his pension and pursuing his passion of building model trains, and he's not sticking his neck out for anybody!
Kevin O'Neill - Astonomer
The frizzy hair, the glasses, the bald head. You just know he's out there somewhere, being way too excited about a supernova 348,000 light years away.
Sean Miller - Sports Agent
It's the dark, greasy hair. It's the bushy eyebrows. It's the douchey, "that was your fault," look on his face. And maybe it's because he looks like a fat Drew Rosenhaus.
Herb Sendek - Assistant Manager at Wal-Mart
He's busy deciding if those bars of soap should be arranged in the pyramid or a cube.
Johnny Dawkins - Attorney
It's the power tie and the piercing eyes. You can just picture his cheap TV commercial now. "If you have been hurt and missed work, I will work for you to get the money you deserve. I'm Johnny Dawkins, attorney at law."
Ken Bone - Acting Coach
He is most famous for his portrayal of Chewbacca in the "Star Wars" films. After growing tired of being typecast as a strange-looking and creepy dad, he gave up the Hollywood life and decided to devote his life to teaching young people the craft of acting.
Craig Robinson - Howler Monkey
Ok, but seriously...
Craig Robinson - Food Critic
Ties just get in the way when you're trying to critique the lamb shanks at Café Décolletage.
Ben Howland - Tobacco Executive
Yellowing skin, dirty fingers, expensive-looking suit. And you can just tell he smells like he chain-smoked a pack of Marlboro Reds before entering the gym. There is no bigger slimeball in the Pac-12 than Ben Howland.
Jim Boylen (Utah) - Professional Bowler
And, judging from this picture, he moonlights as the guitarist for The Even Flows, a Pearl Jam cover band.
Tad Boyle (Colorado) - PGA Tour Caddy
Though he was the one that cost Padraig Harrington a two-stroke penalty for failing to take his extra gap wedge out of the bag before the round started.
What'd I miss? What'd I hit on the money? Holler at me in the comments!