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The Tako Tuesdays Guide to Underage Drinking

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Please Note: addictedtoquack.com and its staff do not condone underage drinking. The opinions of Takimoto in no way reflect the opinions of this site, or any of the SB Nation communities. And no, addictedquack.com will not buy you beer. Even if you let us keep the change.

Most everyone has at least one story of drunken, college-era debauchery. It might be the run-of-the-mill, goes to their first party, drinks four Keystone Lights and pukes in a trash can story; the slighty juicier, drinks too much tequila and wakes up in a bush with no pants and a girl with a moustache story; or the, after too much whiskey your buddy convinces you it's a good idea to throw your roommate's bike in a creek story. And I'm sure there are many readers out there wear the badge of an MIP; it's a slap on the wrist, serving as a reminder not to be so stupid next time. In the wake of Tyson Coleman's recent run-in with Eugene's finest, I bring you a simple set of guidelines for proper college revelry.

  • Do it inside - The cops can't just enter any old house and bust you. So find a place to kick it, have your fun, and crash on the couch. It's when minors wander outside where things get dicey. Drunken adventures outside make it known to the public that you're drunk, and you're putting yourself on the cops' turf. Most of all, it usually leads to other illegal activities: trespassing, lewd conduct, or worse.
  • Do it quietly - It's not the drinking that gets the cops to a house party; it's the noise. And in an apartment, forget about it. You can't play loud music or have more than ten people in your place to play Flip Cup, or somebody in your building WILL call the cops. Yes, it is a lot of fun to get rowdy and yell a bunch. There is a place for that. It's called a bar. You'll get there soon enough. For now, keep it down.
  • Don't get out of hand - The more you drink, the harder it is to follow the first two rules. The urges to pee outside, sprint to Dairy Queen before it closes, or punch somebody become stronger and stronger with every drink. And if you reach that blackout point, it's a crapshoot, because you are no longer consciously in charge of your actions. No one likes a sloppy drunk, and no one likes a drunk who has to be cared for. Don't be that guy (or gal): keep in within reason.
  • Have a drink in your hand as little as possible - If confronted by a police officer, it helps the case that you haven't been drinking if you aren't holding a drink. If you're empty-handed, and you aren't visibly drunk, there's a chance you can get away with the "I'm the DD" defense. It's a longshot, but it couldn't hurt.
  • If you do get caught, don't panic - Yeah, you're gonna get fined. If you get caught on campus, you might have to attend one of those "responsible choices" classes. But you aren't gonna have a criminal record, you won't get thrown out of school, and your life isn't over. So just suck it up and take the punishment. And seriously, if you're gonna get caught, don't get caught with a Four Loko. What, was the 7-11 out of Smirnoff Ice Rockin' Raspberry? That's just embarrassing. Nate Longshore thinks you're a candy-ass.
So to sum up: if you drink with a small group of friends, indoors, don't make any noise, and limit yourself you one or two drinks apiece, you won't get caught. Sound super lame? It probably is. The only way to completely avoid an MIP is to not possess alcohol. The choice is completely up to you. And if you're currently a member of the Oregon football team, I imagine Coach Kelly's consequences will be a heck of a lot worse than the EPD's consequences.