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Tako Tuesdays: The New Employee Handbook

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Through an unnamed source, I was able to get ahold of this document. And might I say, it's too good not to post. I transcribed the first few pages, you can find the entire document HERE

Congratulations on being hired as an NCAA violations investigator! You've just joined a team of bright and talented men and women, all of whom want to serve and protect the sanctity and integrity of intercollegiate athletics. In this handy guidebook, you will find some helpful tips for the best way to use your time, as well as a sample daily itinerary as an example of how a normal day will generally go . Are you ready to get started? Great!

First, a couple things you should know up front:

  • We don't really have any real authority - As important as our job is, the rules and regulations we operate under make it very difficult to enforce anything. We can't subpoena witnesses, and we have no authority over anyone who isn't a student-athlete or athletic department employee. This includes family members, agents, high school coaches, and Deion Sanders, just to name a few. 
  • No one likes us - Athletic departments don't like us because we take up their time and money; coaches don't like us because an NCAA investigation can be a distraction, and closing loopholes and enforcing sanctions can hurt their team's performance; university alumni don't like us because we make it harder for them to influence their alma mater; agents and mentors hate us because we take money out of their pocket; and student-athletes don't like us because we take money out of THEIR pocket.

Sounds like a pretty crappy job, doesn't it? Don't worry, there are plenty of perks too!

  • We can do pretty much whatever the hell we want - Like I mentioned earlier, we don't operate under the same rules as the government. We don't have a crime to investigate and a whodunit to search for. Instead, we choose to pick a school and focus our attention on it to see if we can sniff out some infractions. If we get wind of a possible violation, we will investigate, and if that investigation turns up any new infractions we didn't know about, we'll just tack on those charges too! We can talk to anyone we want to, whenever we want to. Since we aren't the police or the government, they don't have to talk to us. But usually, they do because they think we have that authority. 
  • We can take as long as we want - We never have to close an investigation. If we don't find anything, it doesn't mean we won't ever find anything. So if you've got a dead end case, just leave that file somewhere you can find it if any new information comes up. Then, if a coach complains that you haven't announced that the investigation against their school is closed, you can tell him that it isn't and wipe that shit-eating grin off his face. 
  • No one likes us - But wait, you say, I thought that was a bad thing? Well, it's a good thing too! Just remember this: you aren't there to make friends. Therefore, you've got nothing to lose! Invade some privacy, pester some people, tie up some phone lines. The world is your oyster, and in order to make a pearl, you've got to agitate it.

Let me take you through a normal day at the NCAA Enforcement office:

9:00 AM - Arrive to work and check your email to see if you received any anonymous tips. Don't worry if you didn't, it almost never happens. But the one day it does, it'll be awesome.

9:15 AM - Bathroom break

9:19 AM - Get back on the computer, start fishing for leads. Usually it's best to start with the Big Four: ESPN, Yahoo!, Sports by Brooks, and Bleacher Report. If there's shit to start on the Internet, you will usually find it here first. Remember, you aren't looking for facts or hard information, just a jumping-off point.

9:32 AM - Call some athletic directors. There will be a list on your desk of athletic department phone numbers. Start at the top with Air Force and work your way down. If you can actually get them on the line, ask them if they have spoken to their Compliance department recently. If they have, ask them what they talked about. If they haven't, tell them, "It'd probably be a good idea if they did." Refuse to comment further, because you aren't allowed to discuss on-going investigations. This strategy accomplishes two things. First, it'll freak them out. Second, if they have violations to report, they will usually come forth with them because they think you're on to something. 

Make sure to only call about ten programs each day. If you do them all at once, you won't have anything to do tomorrow.

10:30 AM - Snack break. There are muffins in the break room. Make sure to get there early, or else there will only be bran left.

11 AM - Post-snack nap.

12 PM - Lunch. 

1 1:30 2 PM - Check email, play a couple games of Minesweeper, refill your coffee cup.

2:30 PM - Now is the time to call local news outlets. Your goal is to stir the pot enough to get these small-town rumor-junkies to do your research for you. Small-market columnists are interested in the big scoop as much as the Internet creeps are. They'll put their ear to the grindstone, report something flimsy, thereby giving you enough cause to open up a case. 

3:15 PM - Mandatory staff meeting/ping pong tournament. 

4 PM - See how many #2 pencils you can get stuck in the ceiling in 60 seconds. Steve in Marketing holds the record with 19.

4:03 PM - You're pretty much out of crap to do, and it's not like you're going to do actual research, so...I guess you can reorganize your desk? Go make copies of your butt? 

4:30 PM - Check email one more time, see if anything has come in with the subject header "ANONYMOUS TIP" or "VIOLATION" or anything in all caps like that.

4:35 PM - Tweet something cryptic. Something like "Had a Gr8 dat @ work. On the trail of something B1G...". Brady Hoke was about to leave the office. Now he's gotta go back and figure out what the hell you're talking about. He's gonna miss dinner. You know who isn't gonna miss dinner? You.

4:45 PM - Daquiris.

Did you find anything out today? No? That's okay, that's how most days will end. If the media isn't doing their job of fear-mongering and shit-starting, we can't do ours. Now go get hammered, you've got work in the morning!