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Tako Tuesdays: A Rational BCS Discussion

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Level-headed discourse, between level-headed people.

John David Mercer-US PRESSWIRE - Presswire

USC Fan: FUCKIN' MATT BARKLEY 'N SHIT!!!

Oregon Fan: Oh my God, how did you get in here?!?

USC Fan: THE AIR VENTS! FUCKIN' MISSION IMPOSSIBLE STYLE!

Kansas State Fan: Somebody get him out of here!

Alabama Fan: I don't care who you are, that's badass. Roll Tide.

Notre Dame Fan: Yeah, someone escort that man out. This is a meeting for undefeated teams ONLY! The meeting room for teams who lost to inconsistent, middle-of-the-pack teams is down in the basement.

Florida State Fan: ...so should I leave too?

All: YES!!!

Alabama Fan: Roll Tide.

Oregon Fan: So we're here to talk BCS. Who wants to start?

South Carolina Fan: Well ya'll out west are having a real different conversation then we're having. We play in the SEC.

Florida Fan: SEC!!!

Mississippi State Fan: SEC!!!

Alabama Fan: That's right. If we go undefeated, we're in the National Championship. No questions asked. Ya'll can go undefeated if you want, but you're fighting for one spot. Your only hope is that we beat each other up.

Kansas State Fan: Which is possible.

Florida Fan: Oh definitely. It won't stay this way. Mississippi State isn't for real.

Mississippi State Fan: Hey man, I'm right here.

Florida Fan: You know I'm right.

Mississippi State Fan: Yeah, okay fine.

Florida Fan: We still gotta play South Carolina in a couple weeks.

South Carolina Fan: And we've got LSU on Saturday.

Mississippi State Fan: And Alabama could lose one too!

Alabama Fan: ...naw, that ain't gonna happen. We're gonna be undefeated in December. Mark that shit down now roll Tide.

Rutgers Fan: Okay, so let's take a look at the rest of the country.

Oregon Fan: I thought we only invited BCS conferences to this meeting.

Louisville Fan: ...we did. What's your point?

West Virginia Fan: His point is, what the fuck are you guys doing here?

Cincinnati Fan: The Big East is a BCS conference.

South Carolina Fan: HAHA! That's a funny-ass joke! Man, could you imagine? A conference with Temple and Syracuse, with the same standing as the SEC?

Rutgers Fan: It's not a joke, We're a BCS conference.

Kansas State Fan: ...wait, seriously?

Louisville Fan: Seriously! Why does no one think the Big East is a top-tier conference?

Oregon Fan: Because you suck at football?

Alabama Fan: Nailed it. Roll Tide.

Cincinnati Fan: Screw you guys, we're leaving.

Florida Fan: Thank you! It was starting to smell like a loss to Youngstown State in here.

Kansas State Fan: Is that what that is? I thought it was West Virginia Fan's beard.

West Virginia Fan: Watch it. Just you watch it.

Kansas State Fan: That actually leads me into a valid topic: where does the Big XII champ stand, provided it's the undefeated winner of the West Virginia-Kansas State game?

Notre Dame Fan: Kansas State has the better chance to impress late, with games against TCU, Baylor, and Texas to end the season. They could become the trendy #2 if they win out in style, and other teams look shaky. West Virginia ends against Iowa State and Kansas.

Florida Fan: And their defense is a steaming pile of garbage.

West Virginia Fan: Not true! We held Texas to under four yards per carry!

South Carolina Fan: ...and four rushing touchdowns.

West Virginia Fan: Irrelevant! We've got Geno Smith! If he keeps his place as the Heisman no-brainer, and we keep winning, we'll move up the polls. Still got games against K-State and Oklahoma too!

Oregon Fan: To that, I say this: our teams will always be compared because of how good our offenses are. And our defense is infinitely better. So if the rest of us are competing for one spot, as the SEC guys say, you better hope we lose, because you aren't passing us otherwise. And, we've got the best chance of all the undefeated teams left to stay that way.

Oregon State Fan: Yeah, but...

Oregon Fan: What did I say about talking out of turn?

Oregon State Fan: ...sorry.

Florida Fan: So what have we learned?

Alabama Fan: I'm not worried. We're better than everyone else on our schedule. Unless we pull a Florida State, which we won't, we'll be undefeated going into the SEC Championship game. Roll Tide.

LSU Fan: YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED! GEAUX TIGERS!

South Carolina Fan: Were you hiding under the table this whole meeting?

LSU Fan: I don't want to go down to the one-loss basement. It's scary, and filled with Clemson.

Florida Fan: Scoreboard, bitch! Get out of here!

LSU Fan: I'll be back in this discussion! And I'll be bringing USC and Texas with me!

Kansas State Fan: Anyway, back to business. The winner of the West Virginia/Kansas State game will have a shot, as will the South Carolina/Florida winner.

Oregon Fan: And the Ducks are in a similar situation to Alabama; win out, and you'll be one of the favorites.

West Virginia Fan: The Big East sucks, and it'd take a miracle for Oregon State or Mississippi State to enter the discussion.

South Carolina Fan: Did we miss anything?

Notre Dame Fan: I submit to you, for your consideration, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

Oregon Fan: ...fuck.

Notre Dame Fan: Hear me out. We've got a national championship schedule: @Michigan State, Michigan, @Oklahoma, and @USC to end the season. We've got the media bias on our side, a TV monopoly, and everybody loves a return to glory story. Manti Te'o? Great story. We have enough games against Pac-12, Big Ten, and Big XII opponents that voters can start comparing performances. The computers love us. We go undefeated, and look good doing it, we're in. I don't think there's a question about it.

Florida Fan: You know what sucks? He might be right.

West Virginia Fan: But you've only scored more than 20 points in a game twice this year!

Notre Dame Fan: Doesn't matter, we're Notre Dame.

South Carolina Fan: Your resume includes a three point home win over Purdue, and eventual games against Pitt, Boston College, and Wake Forest.

Notre Dame Fan: Doesn't matter, we're Notre Dame.

Oregon Fan: You don't play in a conference!

Notre Dame Fan: Doesn't matter, we're Notre Dame.

Alabama Fan: I hate this so much right now. Roll Tide.