clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Tako Tuesdays, Special Thursday Edition: Drunk Bowls, Part 2

Yeah, I took Christmas off. You gotta problem, sucka?!

Matthew Emmons-US PRESSWIRE

In case you missed Part 1, you can check it out here. My cocktail selections are currently sporting a 4-4 record, and rooting for Bowling Green, Cincinnati, and Baylor today. On to the rest of the bowls!

Alamo Bowl - Oregon State vs. Texas For our beloved Beavers, we have the Eager Beaver cocktail: rum, triple sec, and, interestingly, Kahlua. A very "out-of-the-box" concoction. On the other hand, the Liquid Longhorn is a variation on the Screwdriver (vodka and OJ), with 7UP and a dash of Curacao.

Winner: Texas. Some people may find rum and Kahlua appealing. I am not one of those people.

Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl - TCU vs. Michigan State The Purple Frog is a holy-crap mix of Jagermeister and tequila. I'm relatively certain drinking more than one of these will actually turn you into a human-sized purple frog. You will begin to eat flies, everything will look like a kaleidoscope, and Animal Control will be forced to kill you. A grim end to an otherwise questionable life. The Spartantini seems much more civilized. With the apple slice cut out to look like an S, it's downright adorable.

Winner: TCU. If I was a Pinterest user, I'd love the Spartantini. Instead, I'm a 25-year old prone to bad decisions. Let's get weird.

Music City Bowl - NC State vs. Vanderbilt You might think the Carolina Blue cocktail would be better suited for the Tar Heels, and you'd probably be right. But UNC is currently serving a bowl ban, and won't be found in this rundown. Instead, we're gonna sub out the blueberry juice for some strawberry juice instead (via our friends at the North Carolina Strawberry Association) and make it a Carolina Red instead. The Vanderbilt cocktail seems perfect for sipping while enjoying a game of lawn darts, or competitive giving to charity, or whatever the hell the seventh-richest family on Earth does when it gets together.

Winner: NC State. Brandy and cognac? Come on Vandy, that's just overkill.

Sun Bowl - Georgia Tech vs. USC The California Kool-Aid is a perfect USC drink; the vodka-cranberry base is a familiar taste for even the easiest of easy white girls, and drinking enough of them will make any USC student forget that their school is actually right in the middle of the 'hood. In the Georgia Tech fight song is the line, "Like all the jolly good fellows, I drink my whiskey clear. I'm a Ramblin' Wreck from Georgia Tech and a hell of an engineer." Now what exactly does the phrase "whiskey clear" mean? Now, clear whiskey does exist: whiskey gets its color from being aged in wood barrels. Clear whiskey is either whiskey that skips this step, or whiskey that is charcoal filtered after aging to remove the color. Since it was written in the South in the late 1800s, where moonshining and bootlegging were prevalent, Ramblin' Wreck most likely refers to unaged whiskey, though it could also mean simply "whiskey without anything else in it". Either way, whiskey is the drink representing the Yellowjackets.

Winner: Georgia Tech, though it's a mortal lock that Matt Barkley's drink of choice is something resembling a California Kool-Aid. It's either that or Zima.

Liberty Bowl - Iowa State vs. Tulsa Two natural disaster-based mascots, with drinks to match. The Cyclone is vodka, Grand Marnier, cranberry juice, grapefruit juice, and lemonade. A Hurricane is rum, more rum, OJ, lime juice, and grenadine. Both drinks could potentially leave you in pain, and without your house. It all comes down to personal preference.

Winner: Tulsa. For me, rum trumps vodka in most situations.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl - LSU vs. Clemson In this Tiger-on-Tiger matchup, we start by paying tribute to the Internet's favorite drug-addicted mascot with the 8 Ball cocktail; SoCo, rum, amaretto, and just enough pineapple juice and grenadine to make you forget you're drinking poison. And after a night of 8 Balls, you'll need to start the next morning with a Bayou Bloody Mary, with enough Tabasco, horseradish, and black pepper to numb every sense in your body. And just for fun, crawfish tails.

Winner: LSU, because if there's one thing that complements alcohol before 10 AM, it's floating seafood.

Heart of Dallas Bowl - Purdue vs. Oklahoma State The Boilermaker is a staple of binge drinkers everywhere, and is simple to make: drink a shot of whiskey, then chug a beer. Or, if you lack taste buds and are pressed for time, mix them together and go to town. Representing Stillwater, the Eskimo Joe's Barry Style. Eskimo Joe's is the place to go in Stillwater, OK for beers, cheese fries, and collectible T-shirts, and the Barry Sanders, a mix of a vodka-cranberry and a Jack & coke, came about the night Sanders won the Heisman trophy.

Gator Bowl - Mississippi State vs. Northwestern MSU's must-have fan accessory is honored here with the More Cowbell cocktail, oddly enough an Asian-inspired creation: shochu, peach liqueur, 7UP, and vanilla yogurt. The classic Chicago is predominantly brandy, with triple sec and a dash of bitters.

Winner: Northwestern. Yogurt? Really?

Capitol One Bowl - Georgia vs. Nebraska In Georgia's corner, the Bulldog: vanilla vodka, Coke, and peach schnapps. Bonus points for drinking this while sitting in a hedge. The Cornhusker Deluxe frightens me: Georgia moon corn whiskey, Wild Turkey bourbon, and a dash of Tabasco. It has been said Oregon WR coach Scott Frost drank these throughout puberty, giving him the steely eyes and sculpted chin he showcases today.

Winner: Nebraska, only because I'm scared the Cornhusker Deluxe will kick down my door and break my kneecaps with a tire iron if I say anything bad about it.

Outback Bowl - South Carolina vs. Michigan For all your South Carolina AM tailgating needs, the Gamecock mimosa; essentially a mimosa and a vodka-cranberry mixed together, it's sure to get you feel more numb than Conner Shaw after his pregame painkillers kick in. Since I'm limiting myself to alcoholic drinks, Brady Hoke's sideline beverage of Mello Yello and turkey gravy is disqualified. Instead, it's the Big Blue Meanie.

Winner: Michigan, because there's the added bonus of puking bright blue if you overdo it.

Rose Bowl - Wisconsin vs. Stanford In Wisconsin, they love the Old Fashioned, with brandy as the preferred liquor instead of rye or bourbon. The Stanford cocktail consists of Amontillado sherry, cognac, and bitters, perfect for sipping on while you check stocks and berate the Latino country club attendant for using the wrong shade of shoe polish. GOD DAMMIT SERGIO! I SAID BORDEAUX, AND THIS IS CLEARLY CORDOVAN! WHERE'S YOUR SUPERVISOR?

Winner: Wisconsin, for their extreme lack of pretense.

Orange Bowl - Northern Illinois vs. Florida State For the BCS-busting Huskies, I'm serving up the Underdog martini, which utilizes grapefruit juice, falernum (Caribbean spiced syrup), and a salted rim. And it's a double header for FSU. The Garnet and Gold cocktail consists of gin, cranberry, and lemonade, while the Seminole is a shot of Goldschlager and grenadine.

Winner: NIU, because shooting goldschlager is just no.

Sugar Bowl - Louisville vs. Florida The Louisville Slugger, with bourbon, blackberry brandy, and dry vermouth, packs a serious punch. The Gator Chomp is sweet and sugary, with the added bonus of looking like a martini glass full of 7-layer dip.

Winner: Florida. While I usually don't go for super-sweet drinks, the nickname for this drink is "Sex with an Alligator". And that's just I don't know.

Fiesta Bowl - Oregon vs. Kansas State With apologies to the Duck Fart, the only thing I would use to represent my Ducks is Ninkasi Total Domination, and I think most of Oregon's opponents in the Chip Kelly era will find this apt. And I know the drink comes from the Big Apple, but I'm still using the Manhattan to represent the Little Apple's powerful football team.

Winner: Oregon. Manhattans are delicious, but this shit is rigged. Get over it Wildcat fans.

Cotton Bowl - Texas A&M vs. Oklahoma The Aggies and their Heisman-winning QB bring the Texas A&M Breeze to the table: orange vodka, orange liqueur, OJ, and cranberry juice. And for Bob Stoops' crew, the Sooner Spirit: vodka, triple sec, and grenadine. Very similar drinks, much like the identical 10-2 records sported by both teams.

Winner: Oklahoma, but just barely.

Compass Bowl - Pittsburgh vs. Ole Miss Former Pittsburgh Steeler and Pitsburgh native Chuck Sanders came up with the Pittsburgh Fever Punch, featuring his Fever Stimulation Beverage, an energy drink slash aphrodisiac. Because if there's one thing you want to feel at a college football tailgate, it's horny. And when you tailgate at The Grove on the Ole Miss campus, your drinking experience starts and ends with bourbon, and must always be consumed from out of a red Solo cup, as to evade the authorities patrolling the normally dry county.

Winner: Ole Miss. Duh. Bowl - Kent State vs. Arkansas State The Golden Flashes may have missed out on a BCS berth, but they do have a shot named after them. The Golden Flash is a mixture of sambuca, amaretto, and orange liqueur. For the Red Wolves, we're mixing up a batch of Arkansas Hellraisers: Canadian whiskey, peach schnapps, and Dr. Pepper. All you'd need to do is add Sunny Delight, and you'd have an ATQ Hellraiser.

Winner: Arkansas State. I've had whiskey and Dr. Pepper, adding peach schnapps wouldn't make it that much worse. And it doesn't involve sambuca.

BCS National Championship Game - Alabama vs. Notre Dame Finishing out the bowls, this year's national title game is a clash of two traditional college football powers. The Crimson Tide will be drinking an Alabama Slammer, a mix of amaretto, Southern Comfort, sloe gin, OJ, and sweet and sour, and a hangover waiting to happen. For the Irish, it's the aptly-named Return to Glory: Irish whiskey, ginger ale, peach schnapps, and a splash of OJ. Based on how he throws the football, I'm pretty sure Tommy Rees drinks seven of these before every game.

Winner: When in doubt, skip the SoCo and sloe gin. The national championship goes to Notre Dame.